Wishful Thinking, I Suppose

I know I should be working right now because I'm gonna be one broke-ass motherfucker for the next couple of weeks. Work is SO dead, and these morons are steady hiring MORE people.

*Facepalm*

But I want to blog right now instead of working. I'm excusing myself for this by saying I've got all damn night to work.


K.--who I need to give a nickname like Fangbunny's got, instead of just calling her "K." all the time--came over on Friday, and she just left about an hour or so ago. We worked a lot and then made no money. Then, we cleaned today. The living room, bathroom, and kitchen are clean now. :D She's coming back next week to help me do the bedroom, which is like a jungle. So I'm happy for that. Not just the cleaning, but being able to spend time with one of my bestest friends.

Also--totally random--but I got the Allegra, and it kicked my headache's ass. :D I just thought of it 'cause I was talking about K. because she went to Wal-Mart with me Friday night to get it.


Anyway, last night after the pay period ended, we were sick of working ourselves to death for zero money, so we decided we'd do something else. I actually had two Hello Kitty coloring books, one My Little Pony one, and one Disney Princess one sitting in the floor with a couple of boxes of crayons. And, well, let's be honest, you can't put two littles in a house together with coloring books and expect them not to color, LOL.

So we did. And we watched Alice in Wonderland. And talked about how we both regress. And how NOBODY freaking gets it.


I dunno, the little thing is something I'm not entirely sure I get about myself. Most people think it's some kind of roleplay that's cute for a little while, but starts to grate on their nerves before too long. And, yes, I *can* roleplay it. Whatever, you know?

But to a large degree, it's unconscious. I'll regress without realizing what I've done. Or if I realize it, I can't stop it. It just sort of happens. And I really hate when people are like, "Well, you're not *really* x years old." No, *physically*, I'm not. And I'm certainly not saying that I regress to worm out of responsibility or anything like that. But in a lot of ways my mind DOES work like a 5-year-old's. I think that's one reason that people often don't understand things that I say and do because my mind works completely differently.

I think I feel things completely differently, too. I think that's probably partly the reason I keep dwelling on the shit I'm currently dwelling on.


When K. and I were talking, we both decided we weren't really submissive. Not in the generally accepted sense of the term. I've tried. God knows, I've tried. Part of what wrecked relationships with people I cared about was me trying desperately to be a "slave" because I knew that was what *he* wanted. But I couldn't do it. I don't have it in me. And I end up being resentful because I'm treated like one.

I'm a little one. I want to be a good girl, but I fuck up sometimes (read: a lot). It's not that I want to be "punished" because that kind of thing pisses me the fuck off, but I need to be treated consistently and helped to *not* fuck up. I'm kind of a little princess, but I'll do anything--and I do mean *anything*--to make the people I love happy. I'm a fiercely loyal and devoted little princess, LOL.

I don't really like the whole Mommy/Daddy thing because it vaguely creeps me out, but I guess that's sort of what I need. A set of "big" people, male and female, who let me be little and maybe some other submissive types to sort of boss around like little girls do, LOL.

I need to love and be loved so much that I'll never, never, never be happy in a monogamous relationship. That much I know.


I guess that's one reason I'm so angry and hurt and sad right now. I basically *had* that. I mean, yes, when it was good, it was great, but when it was bad, it was awful. But the times when the good outweighed the bad was incredible, and I was so happy. I'm angry at myself for fucking it up, and I'm angry at him for his part in it as well. How can you lead me to believe things that weren't true when you KNEW that they were lies, and you KNEW that it'd ruin the one thing I truly wanted in this world?

I don't know that I'll ever get over it.


I dreamed about them last night. :(

It was a dream about me being little. I was wearing a little girl dress. My hair was long enough to put in pigtails. It was totally not sexual at all. I was just curled up in the floor with a pillow and my huge Hello Kitty who wears a pink dress, coloring, at her feet. Kitty was there, too. For some reason, she was wearing Kitty ears and alternating between coloring with me and sitting with them. And I was *happy*. And they were all happy I was there. And it wasn't like I was being showered in attention or anything. Everybody was sorta doing their own thing, talking to me sometimes and sometimes not. But when I finished coloring a picture, I held it up, and everybody told me how pretty it was and how much they liked it. Then, I'd giggle and blush a little and color another one.

After awhile, I got sleepy and put my head in her lap, and she ran her fingers through my hair and called me her babygirl like she used to. :( And he was being nice, too, and not trying to be like, "Oh, I think we should go tie the little girl up," like he does every five minutes in real life. *Eyeroll*


I know where the dream came from. Obviously, it was partly influenced by my being little with K. last night and partly because I can't get this whole thing out of my mind.

I know I need to do something. I just don't know what yet.