Well, The Truth Is....

I am overwhelmingly lonely today.

I've been trying to work, but it's too much. I'm behind, and I'm only managing to get even more behind, but I just can't do it today. I don't eat a lot anymore. Well, maybe every now and then I will. But mostly, I just pick at my food nowadays. Everything seems like it's just too much for me to manage.

There are various reasons for this and not a single one of them is pleasant.


I can't stop thinking about the mess I've made with the people that I love. ALL of them. It's not so much a self-pitying thing as a "Why do I always screw up, even when I don't mean to, even when I think I'm doing the right thing?" I suppose the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I thought leaving it to him to explain to her what was going on between us was the right thing to do. I mean, HE'S the one who's married to her, after all. And I *begged* him not to lie, begged him not to hide it, begged him not to put us all through the same old bullshit again...and what'd he do?

I should've known better than to trust him. He lies. He lies a LOT. You know, like how he told me she didn't want anything to do with me and that she'd never let me have another chance. And she told me that she would've been willing to give me another chance.

I'm an idiot for trusting without verifying. But I'm not a liar. At least, not intentionally.

And I DAMN sure didn't do it for his attention. I know she thinks I did. But considering the only attention I got from him--if you can call it that--was him showing up twice at my house when I was half-asleep (because both times he texted me when he was 5 whole minutes away from the house, waking me up and not really giving me the opportunity to say, "Uh, this is a bad idea") and staying for maybe an hour each time and talking on fucking Yahoo? Yeahhhh...that pain in the ass was definitely not worth what little "attention" I got.

I did it because I wanted to repair the relationship with EVERYONE. I thought the best way to do it was to talk to the one person of the whole group who was still speaking to me. And I trusted him when he said he was going to tell her. And he betrayed me.

Motherfucker.


No matter what, this situation makes me look bad. Regardless of how I DIDN'T--and I swear before God, I didn't--intend to set out to hurt or deceive.

He told me the last time I talked to him (post "I can't do this anymore" email) he desperately wanted everything to work out between all of us and that he wanted to give me everything I wanted and needed, if we could only find a way to do it without animosity and jealousy. He said he WANTED me to talk to her. He told her that our relationship was over. He told her he just didn't want to hurt me. He told me he wanted there to be a way to make it work.

So which is it? Or is it a little of both?


She's not what I thought she was. She's not a sociopath. She's a scared and insecure person in love with someone who lies to her and magnifies all her fears and insecurities. She's desperately trying to preserve a way of life that he's determined to trample all over.

It's not easy being in love with someone like that. Believe me, I know.


She thinks I lied to her to get what I wanted. She doesn't believe I'd ever tell her the truth again. But I was going to tell her everything--even BEFORE she found out. I'd already made up my mind. But then he had surgery, so everything got sidetracked.

I just wanted to talk to her. I STILL want to talk to her. I was going to offer her the opportunity to never have to *wonder* if he's lying to her again. Because, regardless of whether he walked away from me for good (or I walked away from him for good), that fear would always be in the back of her mind. And I wanted to alleviate it. I intended to do this the right way.

But I fucked it up.


But you know what? Now that I know without a doubt that he's been lying and playing us off against each other still, I don't even know that I still WANT anything to do with him. I love him. I do. And I'm perfectly aware of what an idiot it makes me. But I can't trust him.

But I didn't approach her solely for him. I may have framed it that way, but I was too fucking scared to tell the whole truth, that I missed her as much as I missed him.

I know I need to leave it alone. But I want so badly to apologize to her, so badly to set the record straight, so badly to get these things off my conscience. I wish she knew how I felt about her. I mean, REALLY knew. I wish she understood that it wasn't just *him* I was trying to get to. It wasn't just Kitty. It was her, too.

I just wish I could make her believe me, and I wish I could make her understand.


I love her. She'll never believe me. I hate myself for being such a massive fuck-up.

And that's where it stands right now.

Can I please have my triumphant return to alcoholism now?