Letters I Wish I Had The Balls To Send

Dear X,

I know that I should probably leave this alone...but I know in my heart that I can't. I hope you can forgive me for my inability to just walk away.

I have gravely misjudged you. I'm pretty sure I've never been so wrong in my entire life. I will never rest easy until I can apologize to you for that. And for listening to all the things your husband said and making the mistake of believing them.

You will never know how much you mean to me. I have said and done things that I never should've done, and I'm incredibly sorry. We got off to the wrong foot from the very beginning, and it only went downhill from there. There was much more going on behind the curtain than either of us knew. I should've known better, and I should've tried harder--much harder--to show you that you mean far more to me than a way to get to him.

We should've tried to be friends to start with. Then, there would've been a foundation underneath us when the shit hit the fan. As it was, there was too much mistrust on either side that was exacerbated by jumping into bed much too quickly. Without that foundation, it didn't stand up under the lies, the fights, and the betrayals on all sides.

I wish you knew how much I love you. It's completely separate from him. At the moment, I don't like him very much at all...but I still care very, very deeply for you. Would that there were some way that I could make you believe that.

As it is, though, I understand why you wouldn't.

I would love to make it up to you somehow. If I can't do that, I want to at least tell you to your face how sorry I am for how badly I misjudged you. I did you a grave injustice, and I doubt I'll ever forgive myself for that.

I jump headlong into things and say things that I don't mean or that aren't the right thing to say. I did that when I contacted you. I was wanting the opportunity to talk with you, and somehow, I ended up making it into far more than that. I don't blame you for turning me down. I made it sound like I was asking for "another chance," when that wasn't what I meant at all. I wanted to talk to you, to apologize, to explain my side of the story. I'm not a bad person. I make shitty choices sometimes, and I'm willing to take responsibility for them. But I'm not nearly as bad a person as this whole situation makes me look, especially given the new things that your email brought to light for me.

I wish we could talk. I wouldn't even tell you how much I love you if I didn't think you wanted to hear it. I wish I could have you in my life somehow, even if it had nothing to do with romance or sex or kink or anything. I don't blame you for not trusting me, but I wish I could show you that you can. I don't want you to be some sort of gateway to him for me. I want you to talk to me, and I want you to be my friend. If something else were to happen later, then fine. If not, I can handle it. What I can't handle is not having you in my life at all. The past 8 months have been hell, loving someone who didn't even want to speak to me.

Will you be my friend? Please? Even if this makes me sound like the most pathetic excuse for a human being alive?

~Bunny





Dear Y,

What happened? You've been my best friend, my confidante, my one true ally, my everything, basically, for the last 9 years. And now you're gone. If you believe that all the tears I've cried over this situation are only for X and Z, then you have no idea how wrong you are.

I'm sorry for all I did. I'm sorry for putting you through all the shit I put you through. I only wish you had told me years ago, so that I might've been able to fix it. Or I wish you'd let me try to fix it now. It's so hard to live knowing that I've hurt the one person in the world who, until recently, stood by me no matter what.

I'm sorry you thought I didn't care about you, thought that you were only incidental to my life. That was NEVER the case, I swear. I care about you

I'd hoped we could salvage our friendship. God, how I'd hoped. I don't know what I should do. I've tried to actively pursue fixing things, but I felt like I was annoying you or pushing you too hard. I've tried backing off to see if you'd make any motion to come to me. But I haven't talked to you at all in...probably a month now.

It makes me sad. For a lot of reasons.

But I feel like I lost you a long, long time ago, and I have no idea what to do to get you back. I don't know if you even WANT to be in my life anymore. The lack of word from you makes me think you don't, but maybe you've got your reasons, too.

I'll ask you like I asked X. Give me a chance. I don't blame you for being wary. I don't blame you for keeping your distance for awhile. But I want to make it up to you. Understand I've only been completely stable for about 6 weeks now. I was better after I got on my meds. I didn't have such huge mood swings. I had a floor and a ceiling, finally, but I was still rapid-cycling between the top of the ceiling and the bottom of the floor. But the last med tweak back at the end of May squashed that. And since then, a lot of things have changed in my mind.

I want to be honorable. I want to do the right thing, by you, by everyone. I want my best friend back.

Will you be my friend? Please?

~Bunny





Dear Z,

I don't even know what to say to you. You betrayed me. I don't...I don't even know how to react to that. You KNEW how I felt about X, and you sabotaged it, anyway.

I guess the problem with getting involved with liars is that everyone gets burned in the end.

And you know what? You ARE a liar. A fat, lying, balding sonofabitch. A fat, lying, balding sonofabitch who'd probably sell his own mother to the devil if he thought for a second that it'd save his ass.

I made the mistake of trusting you and believing you'd never lie to me. I guess I should've realized that if you'd lie to other people without a second thought, you'd eventually do the same to me. But I can't believe that you'd do it over something that you KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt was so important to me.

I never cared about all the bitches you fucked. Or the dudes. I knew about far more of them than you ever told me, but I honestly didn't give a shit. But the one thing I did care about? You destroyed it. Yes, I admit that I had my own part in it, but you destroyed it just as sure as if you'd doused it in kerosene and struck a match to it. I had a dream last night that I turned a blind eye while a man killed another man in the next room. I knew it was about to happen. But I let it happen, anyway. If that's not a metaphor for my letting you destroy any chance of a relationship with her because I desperately wanted to believe that you weren't a liar, then I don't know what is.

WHY? That's what I still want to know. Was it the undeniable thrill of the lying and the cheating, despite the inevitability of getting caught? Did you get off on knowing you had us all dancing like puppets on strings for you? Why were you so determined to destroy something you'd claimed to want for years? What would lead you to such abuses of power that would break the hearts of EVERYONE involved in this situation?

And you're lying still. I guess you'll never stop.

Who'd you lie to? Her when you said our relationship was over before she found out what was going on? Me when you said you wanted more than anything to have us both--or us all, if you count Y?

I don't recall our relationship being "over." I remember that we argued a LOT. And you know what we argued over? Your refusal to tell X the truth, regardless of how much you knew it was hurting me not to tell her, regardless of how much you knew it'd hurt her to find out. But "over"? No. It wasn't. Not until your ass got busted on your bullshit, anyway.

And as for our relationship being based on nothing but sex, who's to blame for that? I've tried for years to drag you out of bed to improve what we had together. YOU were the one who claimed to be addicted to me. I wanted to make it healthy. I wanted there to be more between us than sex and kink, and you KNEW that. You swore that there was, but apparently, from what you told X, there wasn't.

Do you remember how you told me, before she found out, that we needed to do something to make our relationship healthier? And I agreed and said I'd think about it. I told you that the sex was what was hurting it, and you said the sex should stop (not that we'd been doing much of anything since the fall). And I replied that I'd agree with you if I weren't convinced that it was only the sex that was even keeping you in my life? Oh, you disagreed vehemently. Blah, blah, we'll always be friends, I'll always love you, blah, blah, blah.

Well, now the sex is done. And where are you?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

I'm so angry at you. And what I hate the most about the whole thing is that YOU'RE the one who orchestrated all this bullshit. Oh, yes, I played my part. We all did. But we played parts that you wrote, scripted, and directed just for us. It was surely our faults for falling into them so easily without question. But you've got a lot to answer for yourself for staging the whole goddamn soap opera in the first place.

It hurts so much that you led me to believe things that completely wrecked my chances with X, someone I love more than she'll ever believe. You could've helped FIX it, but instead, you chose the other path. I hate that she thinks I'm an awful person because you were determined to keep up the charade 'til the end. I hate that YOU'RE the one who lied to her, but you let her think it was me because she desperately wants to believe the best of you, even after all this shit. I hate that it's ME she booted out of her life because of it. And I hate that you're the cause of all the shit, but somehow you managed to come out smelling like a rose like you always do.

YOU lied. You still have her. I did stupid things, like believe the shit you told me, and I don't still have her.

But you know the worst part? I still love you. I always will. Even though the veil has been pulled away, and I see you for what you really are, the thought of my life without you--without ANY of you--just makes my whole life seem not living.

~Bunny





Dear X, Y, and Z,

I don't know what to do concerning the three of you. I don't know what you WANT me to do. The answer probably IS that I should walk away. But, for the life of me, I can't. My heart keeps telling me otherwise. And I've never been able to tell my heart no when it tells me something. I've tried to stay away, tried to keep my distance, but I can't do it forever.

I'm not asking for a "relationship." I'm not asking for sex. I'm just asking you to not bail on me completely. Please. The loss of just one of you is more than I can bear. The loss of all three of you takes all the colors out of the world. I can only see in shades of gray now.

I love you. All fucking three of you. It's up to you to believe it or not, but I'd never pour my heart out like this if I didn't. I wish you all understood.

~Bunny