Agony

So I've been here at K.'s for three days. Mostly--because we're so outrageous (and so busy working)--it's been enough to keep my mind off things. At least, except when we talk about them. But K. usually goes to bed a couple hours earlier than me. I wish I could go, but I'm still an hour behind her time-wise, and I usually stay up until nearly daylight, anyway. And then I can't help but think. Even when I don't want to.

As a matter of fact, I'm sitting here working on some work shit for the express purpose of avoiding writing this blog. But I know I need to do it. Maybe if I put it on paper, it'll stop churning around in my fucking head. The good news is, I'm pretty sure no one reads this fucker anymore, so I guess I can by God say whatever I want to, yes?

I've been agonizing. Over many aspects of this massive pile of bullshit the Universe has dumped on me. And praying, too, if you can believe that shit. Not like, "Oh, please, please, let me have what I want," mostly because I don't know WTF I want anymore. It's been more like, "Please help me figure out what I'm supposed to do."

I know she doesn't want me to contact her anymore. And I know I should respect her wishes. I *know* this. But, on the other hand, I feel like there's a great cosmic wrong that won't be righted until I a.) apologize for misjudging her so badly, and b.) explain a few things.


The other thing I can't figure out is why in the name of hell he lied to BOTH of us. Well, I'm going on the assumption that it's him. He's the one with the worst track record here.

She told me that if I'd gotten in touch with her that we could've talked and tried to work something out. Now, she could've been lying. I don't know. But I feel like there would be no point in her lying to me if she thought she'd never talk to me again.

He told me repeatedly that she didn't want anything to do with me. When I asked if I should approach her, he said he'd handle it. (Shame on me for believing that shit.) He said she'd never go for it again, that there was too much that had already happened between us. And I repeatedly questioned if he thought that not telling her was the right way to handle it, and I got told he'd do it "when the time was right." That is to say, never.


There are other lies that it's obvious he's told from her email. I don't know which of us he lied to, or if he lied to us both. But that's neither here nor there. What I really want to know is how much of my dislike of her and how much of her dislike of me is either from listening to his spin on things or from judging a situation that he has obviously manipulated.

A lot of the things she knows about me, she got through him. A lot of the things she's heard about me saying came from him. And vice-versa. So how much of this stuff has been run through his filter and made both of us look bad to one another?

And WHY in the name of all things holy did he try so desperately to keep us apart this time when *I* was willing to give it another go--really, really WANTED to give it another go, actually--and *she* was willing to give it another go if I'm to believe the email she sent me (and I don't think there's any reason not to believe it)? What the FUCK did he hope to accomplish by doing that? When I motherfucking BEGGED him to tell the truth because I wanted the people I loved back in my life? What earthly purpose did all this shit serve?


I have my suspicions. But I'm going to keep them to myself until I've had more time to ruminate.


It just bothers me that I let him manipulate me into destroying something with people I love. It bothers me that she thinks I'm a liar. It bothers me that even if I tell her the God's honest truth as I know it, she's not going to believe a word I say.

Even if I told her how much I loved her and missed her and wanted her back and DAMN him because I don't even know if I want anything with him anymore, given how much he's betrayed me.