Meds: 12 pm
Sleep: 8 hours
Other: Met Kitty today for dinner. I think I'm going to stop tracking food and exercise. It just makes me feel like shit when I don't do it. Also, still depressed, still feel like shit. I'm starting to think I've got more problems than what I've already been diagnosed with.
I've decided that the older I get, the younger I get. Yes, that sounds contradictory, but I'm talking about in terms of the inner little girl I've mentioned before.
In addition to the whole S&M thing, I'm also fairly heavily involved in ageplay as a kink. I'm not sure if I've ever said that here or not. Well, anyway, I am. Not like it matters because I'm sure that the majority of my readers are people who already know this, anyway.
It used to be that pretending to be little was a fun thing to do while having kinky sex. Kinda hot, kinda dirty, and tapped into all the kidnap/torture/rape fantasies I used to have when I actually *was* little. Ok, cool.
I also used to think I was submissive. In some ways, yes, I am, but not in the kinky slave kind of way. All my attempts at living that way were just me trying to make someone else happy, and it made me miserable.
The longer I live, the more I realize I'm not submissive, but I'm little. It used to be a fun sex game, but it's gone so much farther now. I swear, I'm not going to turn into one of those "It's not a roleplay; it's a *lifestyle*" assholes. Really, I swear. It's just that it's no longer a sex game. The little girl inside is out, for better or worse.
Now, she just needs someone to take care of her. In more ways than just sexually.
Yeah...I'm not holding my breath, either.
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