Intimacy

Mood: -2

Meds: 12 pm

Sleep: 5 hours?

Food: Tried to have beef stew and salad for lunch, but I put too much salad dressing on the salad, and that made it icky. The stew wasn't really what I wanted, either. I ate the pickle and the yogurt and drank the diet Dr. Pepper and threw the rest out. Had a meat loaf sandwich on wheat, sweet potato chips, and leftover English peas from yesterday for supper. (Yes, I know, sounds terrible.) There was also Powerade Zero and a bowl of Special K.

Exercise: Feeling too shitty to exercise.

Other: I feel like hell. That's about all I can say.


My throat hurts SO fucking bad. It's not even the inside of my throat with that "sore" feeling. It's the fact that all the lymph nodes in my neck are swollen, and every time I swallow and engage them, they hurt. I can't get enough to drink. I barely made it to Wal-Mart and back today. It feels like my throat is swelling shut. I was going to work tonight, but I think I'm actually going to go to bed.

I was going to write something insightful tonight, but I don't know that I can. I'm going to try, and if it makes no sense, I'll try to clarify later.


Ok. Intimacy. The title of this post. Through a good deal of introspection, I've realized that this is kind of a touchy subject for me. Intimacy is something I want--need--badly. (And I mean it in the full scope of the term, not as a euphemism for sex.) But I'm scared to death of it, I guess because I've never really had it before.

There is a quote by Sylvia Plath that, I suppose provides a nice summation of the whole problem: "I have never found anybody who could stand to accept the daily demonstrative love I feel in me, and give back as good as I give."

Fuck. I'm too tired to give this subject the attention it deserves, especially with my not-brother texting me. Suffice it to say that I need that kind of closeness with someone--someones--but I have never been able to achieve it. I'm only capable of superficial interaction, or else, I am only capable of attracting people who are only capable of superficial interaction. Probably a little of both. And I end up sad and lonely because in the final analysis of all my relationships, they are sadly lacking in what I need.

I want to be able experience the sort of emotional closeness I have never had before in my life. I don't want to keep depriving myself of that. I don't want to die sad and lonely. I've tried to find other people with which to achieve this, and they bore me. So I guess the only option is to try to change existing relationships.

I don't know if I can do it. I don't know how. I feel like I have accepted superficial relationships for so long that that's what everyone expects of me. I don't know that they'd be willing to try to take steps to remedy the problem or if they even think there's a problem at all. And even if they do want to change things, I'm not sure I know how.

This may be one of those things that a.) needs to be discussed between other(s) and me, and b.) needs to be brought up in therapy.

I guess what I want is enough intimacy, trust, and overall emotional closeness that I feel safe enough to love without fear.