The Distance Between Love And Hate

Mood: 0

Meds: 12 pm

Sleep: I got about 7 or so last night/this morning, and then this afternoon, I promptly laid down and took a 3 hour nap, LOL.

Food: I didn't feel like fixing anything today, so I was bad for lunch. I went to Sonic. I got it together a little better for dinner. I had the rest of the leftover meatloaf, some leftover brown rice, and the rest of the leftover green beans. Also, more Powerade Zero and two sugar-free chocolate chip cookies. I plan to stay on the wagon for the rest of the week.

Exercise: None yet. My yoga DVD came today, though, and as soon as I finish this, I'm going to go do a section from it.

Other: Felt like shit most of the day, but after I was finally able to choke down some food, I felt better. I'm alternating between popping Advil and Tylenol. I know that's not good, but at least I can eat, drink, and work. Not that work has been very productive, but still. Going to my parents' this coming weekend for Easter, so I'm going to have to do all I can before Friday.


Ok, today's blog is about the distance between love and hate. Turns out there's not much of a distance between them at all, at least for this little bunny. Nobody believes me when I say this, though. It's always, "But, Bunny, how can you hate someone you say you love?" Or vice-versa.

It's easy, folks. People look at love and hate as if they lie on two different ends of the same spectrum. The more you hate someone, the less you supposedly love them, and vice-versa. Hell, people say the same thing about the supposed bipolar "spectrum." The more manic you are, the less depressed you are. Except that's completely not true because there are mixed episodes, which are HELL ON EARTH, but that's another story. I propose that love and hate lie along two different axes instead of the same one.

How most people think of love and hate:

How it seems to me that love and hate really are:

(Forgive the lack of red in the word "love" on the graph. Gimp was acting, well, gimpy and not letting me change the text color.)

Newton's Third Law of Motion says as much: "For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction." That's true enough for me. I tend to love and hate in proportionate amounts. I'm not sure that I'd say love and hate are "opposite" reactions, though. To me, they seem to go hand-in-hand.

I'm sure it's not healthy. I'm sure it's probably "bad" in some intrinsic way. But I really don't care. That's how it is. If you get enough of me that I fall in love with you, I'm probably going to hate you for it. Suck it up and deal with it.

There's a reason for posting this other than justifying my own actions, though. You see, I tend to love people who break my heart. Yes, "people," because I have a problem with monogamy. Every time they break my heart, I hate them a little more. It may not be healthy, but, by God, it never gets boring, either.

The flip side of this is that if I don't love someone, I don't hate them, either. It's INDIFFERENCE that's the opposite of love. Not hate. Indifference. In order for me to hate, I have to love and love intensely, else you're not worth my time. That's indifference.

I hesitate to give real examples here. Even here, I still don't want to reveal too much of myself. Which, if you think about it, is really silly. How is this supposed to help me with my true feelings if I won't even talk about them?

*Sigh*

There's someone I love very much. This person has hurt me more than anyone in the whole world ever has. This person has caused me more pain and loss and grief than probably everybody else in the world combined. I gave my love, albeit warily and fearfully, but I gave it. And I had it thrown back in my face more times than I can count. No matter what I did, it was never enough. In some ways, I believe this person took/takes a perverse, sociopathic pleasure in my pain. But I suppose I could be wrong about that.

If you ask anyone--me included--about how I feel about this person, everyone will tell you I hate this person. Passionately. As in, wishing a fiery death upon this person. And, yes, all that's true. But you haven't forgotten the other side of the coin so quickly, have you?

Part of the reason for the hatred is self-hatred. Why do I still care what this person thinks of me? It's been made abundantly clear that this person wants nothing to do with me. I am an abomination before the Lord in this person's eyes.

But the biggest reason is, I hate this person because I still love them. I hate this person for making me love them. And I most especially hate that this person is completely indifferent to me, despite the fact that my heart still bleeds from the injury. Just because I've stuffed it back in the closet, hoping that no one can see, doesn't mean that the blood's not still leaking out around the cracks.

The tell-tale heart, indeed.