Changes, Changes

Mood: 3 or so

Meds: 2:30 pm-ish

Sleep: 4 hours

Other: I'm a little nervous, as I am now out of Wellbutrin because my bag is floating around somewhere between here and DC. I did some research, and since the half-life is decently long, and I'm only on the lowest dose they give, anyway, I should be ok for a day or so. I hope they'll find my fucking bag by then. If not, I'm calling the pharmacy and begging them to fill it again, even though they just filled it. If they won't do that, I may be fucked. :(

In other news, I got the money to pay my cards off. I paid the cards and the collection agency today. I've got a few other things to take care of, but I honestly can't explain how relieved I feel. Sure, I have to take up payments on the loans, and, yes, the payments are only about $50 less than payments on the cards, but the interest rate is half what it was on the cards, so they'll be paid off in 5 years instead of, like, 35.

I called around today and ended up making an appointment with a therapist for Thursday. I'm scared shitless at the thought of having to talk about all the shit that's wrong with me to someone I've never met before. Hell, I don't even talk about this shit to the people who are closest to me. I even find myself editing a lot of the thoughts I have when writing this blog because I'm afraid of what people will think. Yes, I know she's a therapist and has seen it all, but I don't want her to be like, "Hell, no, you're too crazy for me to handle." That's pretty much what the rest of the world has done. I want someone not to give up on me. :(

Also, remember how I said growing up in an invalidating environment fucks you up? Yeah, well, try this invalidation on for size.

I was talking to my mother today about my emergency medication situation. I told her that I was out of Wellbutrin and only had a few days of Lamictal left. She seemed worried about coming "cold turkey" off the Wellbutrin, but I told her that because I'm on the lowest dose they make already, it's not going to, like, fuck me up irreparably if I have to stop taking it. I might go batshit, but there shouldn't be any physical problems because the dosage is already so low.

However, I did tell her that abruptly stopping 100 mg of Lamictal might very well cause me to have seizures. (No, I've never had a seizure before in my life, but it can happen if you just suddenly stop taking an anti-convulsant.) That's when I got this line: "Well, I think you were misdiagnosed, anyway."

Yes, because you know so much more than a fucking doctor and someone who has a psych degree. Just because I've never revealed much of anything to you about what I have to contend with on a day-to-day basis does NOT mean there's nothing wrong with me. (See what I said earlier about not telling people about it because I don't want to freak them out.) She's even told me before that there's nothing wrong with me. I just "act" crazy to get people to "leave me alone."

*Sigh* I know it doesn't sound like much in the grand scheme of things, but this is what I've had to deal with all my life. ALL. MY. LIFE. I am never right. I never know anything. I can never say or do anything correctly. And don't give me that "She's just trying to cope with having a mentally ill daughter" bit. No. She's not. She thinks that whatever is wrong with me--and, believe me, she knows practically nothing about it--is a sign of my inherent personality flaws: laziness, irresponsibility, being "antisocial" because I "think I'm better than everyone else," general selfishness, etc.

I bought into that fucking thinking for a long time, too. I honestly thought it was my own moral ineptitude that caused all this shit, not an illness. And that's what kept me from seeking treatment for SO DAMN LONG because I thought the problem was a lack of self-discipline and that if I just tried harder, everything would be ok. Yeah, not so much.

To make a long story short, don't be an invalidating asshole. You really have NO IDEA what someone else is going through.

Now, I'm going to finish the handful of work stuff I need to do, then drug myself and try to sleep. I hope I won't have any more of that sleep paralysis bullshit.