Meds: Lamictal at 4:30 pm; don't have Wellbutrin
Sleep: 12 hours
Other: I'm sick. I've got a cold or something. My throat hurts. My ears are full of crap. I ache all over. This sucks.
I desperately want someone to take care of me. I need someone to sit on the side of my bed with me and rub my neck because it hurts to hold my head up. I want to cling to a stuffed animal with one arm and wrap the other arm and the rest of my body around the person who's sitting in bed with me. I want to be talked to and petted and maybe given soup or something. Or a heating pad. I can't find mine.
But I know none of this is going to happen, and I'm going to have to tough it out like I always have to. Doesn't make it suck any less, though.
I'm realizing that I'm desperate need of human contact. I haven't been held or petted or touched in any way more than a perfunctory one in, what? Five months or longer? I need attention. :(
It's weird that I'm feeling this way because I am not, by nature, an affectionate person. I read somewhere once that some of the higher-functioning people with autism wear long sleeves everywhere they go to keep from being so jarred from other people touching them. I'd totally do something like that myself if I weren't convinced I'd sweat myself to death.
But on the other hand, I do need attention, and that includes physical touch. I think the very fact that I shun "normal" physical contact (shaking hands, hugging, etc.) means I actually need more touch on an intimate level because I don't get it from regular human interaction.
Guess I'm fucked on that front, though.
In other news, I talked to a guy last night. I'm sort of "meh" about it, but I can't decide if that's my own personal hangup or the fact that he just doesn't seem to be too quick on the uptake about certain things. I didn't talk to him today, and I honestly haven't decided if I want to initiate contact with him again or not. Especially since he made some comment about how quiet I was. Not exactly the way to endear yourself to me, dumbass. Especially since I was trying a lot harder than I normally try to be friendly and talkative.
God, I hate people.
They're supposedly coming to fix my cable tomorrow. Supposedly. I've got to hang around all day waiting for that. Yay. :|
I've also gotta see if I can lay hands on my bag somehow or at least get it in transit. I have no Wellbutrin, and I've only got enough Lamictal for a full dose tomorrow and a 75 mg dose on Thursday. I guess if I can't find out something concrete about it tomorrow, I'll call my pharmacy and beg for a refill.
I've also been raging inwardly about being so fucked up lately. It's not fair, goddammit! I know we all have our crosses to bear, etc., etc., but I'd have liked something that was, you know...NOT THIS. I realize this is a very childish reaction, but sometimes it'd be nice to just be able to get away from everything that's going on. But you can't, really, when the majority of it exists in your head.
I'm really nervous about going to see this therapist. I'm not good at talking about things, even to my friends, so what the hell am I going to do when faced with a stranger? I lead a very unorthodox life in so many different ways, and I don't know how said therapist is going to handle that. I know they're supposed to be non-judgmental, but it doesn't always work that way. My friend K. tried to talk to a therapist she used to go to about her interest in S&M. The woman told her that all she needed to do was "have normal sex" and everything would "be all right."
I mean, I suppose I could leave out all the things that might raise eyebrows, but I wouldn't be getting much out of it then, would I? All these things are so inextricably intertwined that it's going to hard to solve my problems while steadfastly ignoring relevant details.
Though I think my real fear is that I'll be told I'm too crazy, my life is too messed up, and I'm beyond help. Not in so many words, of course. A professional would sugar-coat it. But I've truly believed that in my heart for so long that I don't know that I could bear getting it from someone else.
I've been trying to put into words the way I feel, but I can't. Everything comes out so clichéd that it seems to lose its power somehow.
I wish he were here. I wish I could put my head in his lap and cry about how bad I feel, how sick I am, how I wish things could be different, how I wish we weren't so dysfunctional, how I wish I could get rid of the self-hate and the him-hate festering inside me, how I wish he didn't hate me, either, how it seems to me that I'll feel this way for the rest of my life, and how, most of all, I wish I were worthy of his love just once.
I don't think anyone knows how hard it is to live with a ghost, especially one who haunts you, even in your dreams.
I am still livin' with your ghost
Lonely and dreamin' of the
I don't wanna be your downtime
I don't wanna be your stupid game
With my big black boots and an old suitcase
I do believe I'll find myself a new place
I don't wanna be the bad guy
I don't wanna do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just wanna see some palm trees
Oh, we'll try to shake away this disease
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die
I am still dreamin' of your face
Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away
I don't wanna be your good time
I don't wanna be your fall-back crutch anymore
Walk right out into a brand-new day
Insane and risin' in my own weird way
I don't wanna be the bad guy
I don't wanna do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just wanna feel some sunshine
I just wanna find some place to be alone
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die
Oh, yeah, watch the world die
Yeah, yeah, watch the world die
Oh, yeah, watch the world die
Yeah, watch the world die....
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