Hope

Mood: 2...would probably be higher, but I'm about dead on my feet

Meds: 12:30 pm, 75 mg. of Lamictal was all I had left

Sleep: Very fitful and very fragmented. I laid in bed for a long time, but how much of it was sleep and how much was tossing and turning is anyone's guess.

Other: Went to the therapy appointment today. (More on that in a minute.) My bag is supposed to be here tomorrow. I sincerely hope it will be because I've got to get these damn medications. Still kind of sick-ish, but I'm better. I haven't been eating much, but I don't know if that's because of being sick or something else. Figured out a fairly simple way to get over the fear of being alone in a dark house. I always close and lock my bedroom door before I go to bed, of course, and I've been leaving the light in the not-really-a-room, not-really-a-hall thing on the last couple of nights. It doesn't make it too bright to sleep, since the light just comes in through the cracks between my door and the door frame and the floor. Oddly enough, not feeling like I'm in total pitch-black darkness has quelled a lot of the paranoia at night. Weird, huh? I don't know why I wasn't smart enough to think of it sooner.


Ok, therapy appointment. It wasn't nearly as bad as I'd feared. In fact, it went a lot better than I ever would've expected. The worst part of the whole experience was finding the damn parking lot, LOL. I had to circle the block 2 1/2 times to figure out how to squeeze up the little alleyway to park around back. But whatever, I made it. And early, too!

Anyway, it wasn't a doctor's office. It was one of those old converted homes on the east side of town that people have made into offices. Super cute.

I filled out my paperwork and didn't have to wait long. She took me back and was very nice. I was nervous, of course, but she told me that was to be expected. She was completely not what I expected. I figured I'd end up with another horrid, useless bitch like the one I tried several years ago. As a matter of fact, she looked oddly like my high school chemistry/physics teacher. (Yes, Virginia, I DID manage to stumble my way through both chemistry and physics. God knows how, but I did.) Luckily, she was sensible and not a total flake like that woman was. She was also very nice, and it helped put me at ease without any obvious "look at me, building rapport!" bullshit.

I like when people do their jobs so well that it appears effortless.

Anyway, I only barely scratched the surface of my problems, but the woman only had an hour with me. :p If I were going to talk about EVERYTHING on the first day, we'd probably still be there.

Mostly, we discussed some specific, concrete situations. She told me that I might find it helpful to make a sort of schedule to stick to as far as work and non-work life is concerned, since those two things overlap considerably with the whole work at home thing. I think it's a really good idea, personally, and plan on working on that soon. We also agreed that I need to learn to set healthy boundaries because if I don't, people will continue to take advantage of that because they CAN. She said that people with people-pleaser personalities like me have a lot of problems with that, but that she wants to help me. She didn't even get exasperated with me when I told her the problems I was having in that department like the other dumb bitch.

She gave me some ideas on how to handle certain situations in my life in light of doing better about setting boundaries. That helped considerably. See, I already knew without her telling me that I need to set better boundaries. But she helped me figure out some fairly painless ways as far as HOW to do it. That helped immensely, honestly. The last bitch would tell me what to do, but she had nothing in the way of practical ways to implement these suggestions.

We also talked about how I sort of feel isolated, what with almost all my friends no longer living here and my working at home and rarely ever going anywhere. She gave me several options that I might want to try out. Apparently, there's a countywide writers' group that meets in town. I had no idea, LOL. I'm going to look into that. She also suggested I try something related to horses, too, since I told her I liked them. I found a webpage for the center in the next county that uses horses for physical therapy for physically and mentally disabled people. They need volunteers, so I may give that one a go, too. I used to show there, so I know where it is. *Shrug*

She also gave me a CD of relaxation techniques to go through when I start to have a meltdown. The fact that I rarely go anywhere other than home helps me here. If I'm about to flip the fuck out, I'll be right here to listen to it. She said she does these exercises herself and that they do help. We shall see. I think I may actually try them here in a few minutes to see if I can get relaxed and sleep well tonight without having to drug myself.

I was impressed enough to make another appointment for next month. I may try to see her more often than monthly later, but I need to make sure I can afford it first. It's $95 a session, after all. That's the only drawback. :|

One thing I liked is that even though she basically told me things I already knew I needed to do, she gave me useful and helpful advice as far as how to go about doing those things. I mean, I literally told her that I had NO IDEA how to meet people when I'm not in school anymore and work at home. Hence, the writing club and the horse thing suggestions. I guess it's something I should've thought of on my own, but I guess it never occurred to me. Also, the plans as far as receiving fair treatment from others were nice. I liked that she made it as easy for me as possible and helped me realize that I don't have to be a bitch in order to demand what I need from people. I just have to be firm. If they don't want to hear me, that's their problem. Works for me.

But you know what the best part was? She gave me hope. Yes, I realize that sounds ridiculous. But she gave me hope that maybe I'm not as fucked up as I was afraid I was. Or, even if I am, that I'm still not beyond help. Maybe I've just been deprived of sensible people for so long that I desperately needed someone sensible to talk to. I dunno.

I feel like I can do this now. It's going to be hard, of course. But someone has faith in me, someone who's not telling me they have faith in me, all the while trying to trip me up. But, yeah. I have hope for the first time in a long, long time, and it's nice. That alone was worth every dime of the $95.


Also, I posted a little blurb on the message board that I post on (for kinky people) about how I went to the therapist today, and it went really well. I said that it made me feel hopeful that I wasn't beyond help, like I feared. I went back to the board a little while ago, and I had a nice private message from someone I rarely talk to. (It's not that I dislike him; we just don't really interact much because I don't interact with much of anyone from there anymore.) His message basically said that there was no way I was beyond help because I am too awesome and that he wished me luck and patience in achieving my goals.

I thought it was awfully nice, especially coming from someone I don't really talk to from there. So I suppose that even if the people in my REAL life don't give a shit if I succeed or fail, it's nice knowing that there are "strangers," so to speak, out there pulling for me.

On that note, I am going to bed. Night, all.