Thoughts On Easter

Mood: 2

Meds: 12 pm?

Sleep: 6-7 hours, I think

Other: I don't even know what I've eaten today. The only exercise I got was going shopping. I know I haven't updated like I should've, but I've been sick as a fucking dog. I went to the doctor on Friday, and I apparently have some sort of mystery illness. I'm pretty sure it's the fucking plague. I got antibiotics, but I don't think this is bacterial. The only good part about going to the doctor is that they told me I'd lost 11 pounds since my last visit, which was in December. I didn't ask about psych meds this time because my regular doctor wasn't there, and I didn't really want to talk about it to the other one.


It's technically Easter now. Easter is my favorite holiday. This is partly because I'm a fucking bunny. :p I also happen to love all the spring-related stuff--the pastel colors, the baby animals, the large number of stuffies, etc. But since this is a more serious blog, I should probably talk about the more serious aspects of my love for Easter here.

I'm not a religious person. I haven't set foot in a church in years and don't plan to anytime soon, either, unless maybe someone dies. Much like Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday in Tombstone, my hypocrisy only goes so far.

On the other hand, I have always felt a strong affinity for Jesus. Not in the "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?" sense. (Which, by the way, is the most obnoxious question ever. I'm pretty sure that a.) Jesus did not necessarily want to be referred to in that way, and b.) "personal" means it's none of your damned business in the first place.) I just think...I don't know. That Jesus understands things. He gets the way things are. Like I'd never have to explain myself to him because he just...gets it.

I dunno. I don't even consider myself "Christian" in the commonly-used sense of the term. I was raised Baptist, but...ugh. (Again, my hypocrisy only goes so far.) On the other hand, I'm not a fan of the pomp and circumstance of the more mainline denominations, either. I don't like the way people who call themselves Christians behave in regards to a lot of things. (Really? Someone is an abomination because they're gay? Your God made them that way. Are you saying he made a fucking mistake?) Besides, I have beliefs that aren't even rooted in the Christian faith--reincarnation being the biggest one--, so I'm pretty sure I don't qualify to ride the Christian wagon. Not that I care.

But for some reason, and it could just be the aforementioned Baptist upbringing, I've never had any problems believing in Jesus. It's kinda strange, I guess. I have issues with the Christian concept of God. MAJOR FUCKING ISSUES. Fangbunny and I have had conversations along these lines before. She thinks the story of Job is the one that embodies how fucked up the Biblical representation of God is. For me, it's the story of Abraham and Isaac. "Kill your son to appease me. No. Wait. Haha, Abe, I was just joking! Just wanted to see if you'd do it! No hard feelings, right?" That's fucked up.

Weird, huh? I dunno how I feel about God, but I know exactly how I feel about Jesus.

The one thing the Baptists did manage to get right, in my opinion, is the notion of Jesus as a friend. I dunno, I just feel like I'd be wasting my time trying to talk to God and convince him that I'm not a massive fuck-up. But I think Jesus understands. He was here. He was human. He knows how this shit works.

I've said this plenty of times before, but I don't think Jesus was the emo guy that most people paint him as. I think he was probably hugely charismatic to make people leave their lives for no other reason than TO FOLLOW HIM. No other reason. And he never even condemned the man who betrayed him. Not many of us could say that. I damn sure couldn't.

I see Jesus as this magnetic, larger-than-life personality who knew that even though he had a responsibility to mankind, he couldn't live his whole life with the weight of the world resting on his shoulders, or else he'd fail in his responsibility to mankind. If the whole point was for him to come, live as a human, learn to understand us so that he could later intercede on our behalves, and then die for some really twisted Old Testament reason that doesn't sit right with me and never has, then by sitting back and brooding, he'd never learn anything about being human. Thus, he wouldn't have any more unique a perspective than he did before he came in the first place, which would render the entire "sacrifice" part useless.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I always thought it was morbid to celebrate the death of the supposed Savior of all of mankind, even if the celebration is on the day that he was resurrected. But as I've gotten older, I've begun telling myself that it's not a celebration of death or resurrection or anything, but a celebration of Jesus's humanity.

A lot of times, I feel like no one in the world understands me. Yes, people will say that God understands me. Maybe they're right. But in my head, God is an incorporeal being who has only a passing interest in the daily lives of his constituents. He has other shit to worry about. But Jesus...he was here once. He understands. No matter how much I fuck up, he understands that it's not as cut-and-dried as it may seem. I feel like Jesus is accepting of one and all and is probably a really cool dude to hang out with.

I fully expect to drink with Jesus one day. I've said that for years. It's probably gonna be a matter of "Hey, Dad, this one's cool. She even brought boxed white zin. Come on and let her in."

So in honor of Easter and the humanity of the man who I have no doubt is the embodiment of the Eternal, whatever the fuck the Eternal is (because I still have my reservations about God the Father), I raise a glass of the very best white zin Walmart has to offer and leave you with this song. I figure it fits.



I ain't the kind you take home to Mama
I ain't the kind to wear no ring
Somehow, I always get stronger
When I'm on my second drink
Even though I hate to admit it
Sometimes I smoke cigarettes
Christian folks say I should quit it
I just smile and say, "God bless"

'Cause I heard Jesus, he drank wine
And I bet we'd get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine

Daddy cried when he saw my tattoo
Said he'd love me, anyway
My brother got the brains of the family
So I thought I'd learn to sing

'Cause I heard Jesus, he drank wine
And I bet we'd get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine

I'll fly away
From it all one day
I'll fly away

These are the days that I will remember
When my name's called on the roll
He'll meet me with two long-stemmed glasses
Make a toast to me coming home

'Cause I heard Jesus, he drank wine
And I bet we'd get along just fine
He could calm the storm and heal the blind
And I bet he'd understand
Understand a heart like mine
Oh, yes, he would