The Symptom

Mood: A very tired 2

Meds: 1:30 pm

Sleep: 9-10 hours. Weeks of not sleeping worth a shit have finally caught up with me.

Food: Grilled turkey-cheese-tomato sandwich with sweet potato chips, Diet Dr. Pepper, and a Granny Smith apple for lunch. I had a sugar-free ice cream bar after I got back from the grocery store, too. Snack was nut-encrusted Wheatables with a little cream cheese, a cube of colby cheese, a handful of cashews, and an eensy sugar-free candy (chocolate with coconut in the middle) with Powerade Zero. Supper was turkey breast (real turkey breast, not cold cuts), turnip greens, squash, and pinto beans with Powerade Zero and a peach yogurt for dessert. I may have a tiny snack before I crash, and I may not.

Exercise: None yet. Going to do yoga DVD when I finish this blog.

Other: I went to the grocery store today. It was past time, LOL. Got some good stuff, I think. I think I'm finally starting to get over the sleeping issue. I didn't have any trouble sleeping last night, and I don't think I'll have any tonight, either. *Fingers crossed*


Ok, this isn't going to be a very long blog because I'd like to go do my yoga and go the hell to bed. *But* I did want to talk about something that I found interesting.

I was talking to my friend K. earlier. She struggles with a lot of the same things as I do, crazy-wise. She was telling me how she can hardly work anymore because she's so anxious and nervous when she's logged in. I told her I knew exactly what she meant. That's why I have such a hard time working when I'm mid-episode. The performance anxiety is ridiculous.

I told her that mine is way more under control now that I'm on meds. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's not just work performance anxiety that's better.

I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder/social phobia several years ago. Up until fairly recently, I figured the majority of my problems were an offshoot of the social phobia. But ever since I went on meds for this bipolar shit, the anxiety has abated considerably.

When I have breakthrough episodes on the meds, which has happened a couple of times since starting the Lamictal in late December, the social (and generalized) anxiety comes flying back. When I'm truly depressed, I don't care enough about anything to be anxious, but as I've said before, my pure depressive states are few and far between. When I'm mixed...oh, Jesus. It's bad. It's so, so bad. I can't do ANYTHING.

But I think it's interesting that even though I'm not being treated for anxiety, it's still lessening. That tells me that the anxiety is actually a by-product of the real problem, the fucking bipolar.

When I'm stable, I'm still not exactly the life of the party. But I appear to be quiet and introspective rather than scared shitless or thinking that I'm too good to talk to people. I can make a few moments of small talk with strangers, and it feels far more organic than it has in the past. I don't feel quite as awkward, quite as wooden. I can even make my own telephone calls again, LOL.

It makes me wonder about other things in life. How many problems do we blame on one thing when it turns out later that those problems were merely off-shoots--symptoms, if you will--of a much larger, more insidious problem? A good many, I'd wager. I know it's certainly happened to me more times than I can count.

And on that note, I'm off to take care of a few more things and then go the hell to bed.