Mood: 2

Meds: 1 pm

Sleep: 5 1/2 hours

Other: I think my Wellbutrin finally kicked in. Yes, it's tipped me over into a hypomania-type thing, but it's a good and productive one instead of an ugly and scary one. I'm sure the Lamictal will wrestle it back down before and, if not, I'll up the dose a little. For now, I'm enjoying doing things that are worthwhile.

Unfortunately, I'm still sick. The lymph nodes under my jaw have swollen again, and it hurts to swallow or look down. Methinks I may have mono. It would make sense--sore throat, swollen lymph nodes, loss of appetite (I couldn't even finish a Lean Pocket at lunch!), exhaustion. I went to the grocery store today and thought I'd die before I made it back home. I had to rest for a minute after I brought them inside before I could put them up. Now, I know I'm fat and out of shape, but I don't normally have problems doing normal, everyday things like that. This shit is kicking my ass.

If it *is* mono, I have no idea where the hell I got it from. Well, not unless someone is coming in my room at night and secretly kissing me. Which is pretty much the only way anyone gets to kiss me. Ugh. Kissing. No. Just...no.

Either way, it hurts to swallow. :(

The bad news is, if it is mono, I'm going to feel like shit for awhile. I've been sick for a week now. I've got at least that much longer to go if that is what's wrong. Fingers crossed that it's not.


I decided I'd take advantage of the lack of appetite and try to go on sugar detox. Not *complete* sugar detox, but mostly. The problem with my metabolism and the way I store fat, etc. is that pretty much the only way I can lose weight is to cut out all white food--sugar, white flour, potatoes, corn, etc. I'm a carb addict from way back, so you can imagine how hellish this is. I thought that maybe since I'm not really that hungry, anyway, I won't go stark raving mad with my desire for a doughnut or something. Then, maybe by the time my appetite comes back, I'll have pretty well detoxed.

I went to the grocery store today and bought some food for this purpose. I already had a good bit of meat here, and I prefer brown rice to white rice, wheat pasta and bread to white pasta and bread, and so forth, so mostly, I just needed snacks, some non-meat protein sources, more produce, and some artificially sweetened drinks.

I spent way more money than I should've, but I oughta be set for awhile as far as food goes. I decided that since it was storming pretty badly, I'd cook instead of work tonight. That way, I'd have several things to choose from when I *do* work for the rest of the week. I'm most tempted to eat badly when I'm hungry RIGHT THEN and either don't have time or don't want to take time to fix something. So I figured if it's already ready, and all I need to do is pop it in the microwave, I should be able to do it, yes?

I fixed beef stir-fry for tonight. I bought a package of stew meat, since stir fry meat is stupid expensive, and it's basically the same damn thing. I halved the package (and will probably make something else out of what's left), put some rice on to boil, cooked the meat, cooked the veggies (the kind with the sugar snap peas and squash--yum), and poured stir-fry sauce all over the whole thing. It wasn't bad at all, and there's enough left over for another meal. While today's meal was cooking, I put on a pan of meatloaf for tomorrow (or some other time later in the week). Mmm, meatloaf.

I also made a rice pudding with brown rice and stevia. Haha! See? No white food! I was actually really impressed with the stevia, to be honest. I used to use Splenda for baking the last time I went off white food. It kinda sucked because it wouldn't disperse properly, and you'd get one really sweet bite and then one that was hardly sweet at all. The stevia mixed much better. So even though it's more expensive than God Himself should allow, if it'll let me bake, I'll be happy. :)

In addition to the cooking, I also chopped up a sweet potato into strips to make oven-fried sweet potatoes. They'd be gross and mushy if I fixed them and put them in the refrigerator, so I just got them ready to cook. Basically, I just have to pull them out, toss them on a cookie sheet, spray them with cooking spray, salt them, and bake them. I have a chicken breast marinating in lemon-pepper marinade, too. That's an easy fix as well. Just pop it in something and stick it in the oven.

I should've done more, but I'm about whipped tonight. Whatever this sickness is--mono or otherwise--it totally has "fatigue" right up there at the top of the list of symptoms.

Besides all this, I got a friend back today. <3 Redemption song?

I've been sittin' here
Tryin' to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin' for the payback
Listenin' for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me

And I feel like number one
And yet I'm last in line
I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills
It helps to ease the pain
I made a couple dollar bills
But still I feel the same

Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It's hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that's the price you pay
To be some big-shot like I am
Outstretched hands and one-night stands
Still I can't find love

And when your walls come tumblin' down
I will always be around

And when your walls come tumblin' down
I will always be around

People don't know
'Bout the things I say and do
They don't understand
About the shit that I've been through

It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone
I've been gone for way too long

>Maybe I forgot
All the things I miss
Oh, somehow I know
There's more to life than this
I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve

Still I ain't seen mine
No, I ain't seen mine
I've been givin'
I just ain't been gettin'
I've been walkin' that there line
So I think I'll keep a-walkin'
With my head held high

I keep movin' on
And only God knows why

Only God
Only God
Only God knows why
Only God knows why, why, why
Only God knows why
Take me to the river
Won't you take me to the river


Oh, Kid Rock. You play right into my white trash fetish, yes, you do. But, no, seriously. People don't know about the things I say and do because they *don't* understand what's happened in my life and even what goes on in my head now. And as much as I might not want to sometimes, the only real choice is to just keep walking. Nolite te bastardes carborundorum and all that.

I'm going to go collapse into bed now. Night.