Depressive Spiral Engaged

Mood: -2 and sinking

Meds: 12 pm

Sleep: 8 hours, I think? I dunno

Other: Not addressing food or exercise. I'm currently blowing it all to hell, as I feel like shit. I've managed to stay away from real sugar, potatoes, and corn, though. I've been forgetting to update lately because I feel so rough. Sorry.


Ok, massive pity party ahead. Don't read if you don't want to hear it.

I feel like nobody really cares about me or appreciates me. This is just part 15846023497 of the same old hang-up. It just seems like people only want me for what I can do for them, and then they toss me aside once they've bled me dry.

Another thing that drives me batshit and keeps the old wounds fresh is that I'm surrounded by people who refuse to talk about anything. I realize it's fucking EASIER to ignore it and pretend it never happened. But how can I be expected to "get over" anything when those things have never been addressed? If they're not addressed, I don't just forget about them. They just stay there inside, festering, getting worse, building resentment. And I feel like the more they're ignored, the angrier it makes me and the more worthless I feel. Like, I'm not worth doing something that might set my mind at ease because it might fucking INCONVENIENCE someone else.

God forbid.

I can't just let things go. I grew up in a family that prides itself on two things: 1.) The ability to never talk about anything, ever, and 2.) The ability to hold grudges for all eternity.

When I can't talk about how I feel about something--anything--, I feel invalidated, yet again. Which makes me feel a range of emotions--anger, sadness, isolation, etc. I can't just let things go. I need an apology, a heartfelt one. I need a pledge to do better in the future. And then I need the offer of "What can I do to make it better?"

I'm sorry, goddammit. Call me an attention whore, a drama queen, whatever. But I need to know that you care about me enough to do these things. If not, I feel, once again, like the doormat you wipe your feet on and then forget about. Good for what you need it for, but not worth a shit for anything else.

I don't want to spend my whole life like this. I really, really don't. I want to be valued for who I am, and I want people to do things for me just because they know it'll make me happy, and, most of all, I want to be loved.

So why does it never happen?