Fear Of Flat Affect

Mood: 0

Meds: 2:30 pm-ish

Sleep: 10 hours

Other: My boss sent me $50 through PayPal today. She owes me nearly $500, for the record. Asshole. I'd almost rather she not sent me anything than to give me that little slap in the face. I have to go to my parents' house tomorrow (well, technically today, since I forgot to update this blog until nearly 3 am, but whatever), and I really dread it. I do not want to cart my mother around to the dentist at ass o'clock in the morning, but I guess I don't have a choice in the matter. Still nothing from Sir Asshat, though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's not dead. Figures.


Ok, I have a weird thing going on right now. I'm not sure of the whys and wherefores, but I'm just going to put it out there.

I've been having trouble with my emotions lately. Ok, even though I titled this blog "Fear Of Flat Affect," it's actually not flat affect. I don't know what to call it. It's like, I don't feel things like I should. My emotions feel superficial. Well, everything except anger, like when I was pissed about my paycheck bouncing.

Nothing feels right. I feel weird in my own skin. My emotions feel stilted, wooden. There's a strange emptiness inside, and I'm not even saying that to be dramatic or whiny. I lack motivation, and I just feel...tired. I often feel like I'm disconnected from myself, almost like I'm watching myself from a couple feet away.

I know it's not a sign of me being finally "stable." I've been stable for 2 months now, and I've only been feeling this way for a couple of weeks or so. This is something different than stability--it's more like anhedonia, that's it not really even that, either. I guess it defies characterization or something.

I don't know if I'm, like, over-medicated, incredibly tired and stressed, or about to fall into a pit of depression, despite the meds. I don't think it's a case of over-medication. I wasn't stable on 75 mg of Lamictal, so it'd be sorta pointless to cut down on it. I'd just be batshit again. Incredibly tired and stressed is a distinct possibility. I'm so frazzled that even when I sleep 10 hours like I did last night, I still don't feel rested.

I sincerely hope it's not going to be another spell of depression. I'll up the fucking Wellbutrin if I have to, I guess. But I don't feel like dealing with all the shit that's going on in my life right now. Some sort of escape from reality, however short it might be, would be wonderful right now, but it doesn't look like I'm going to get off this merry-go-round anytime soon.

I'm wholeheartedly avoiding the desire to get shitfaced or hunt for random sex. I feel as if I need it so bad, but I KNOW what'll happen if I do it. Oddly enough, I don't even want any kinky shit whatsoever. I just want someone to be nice to me for a little while, for a change.

Sometimes, I think avoiding doing these coping behaviors uses more energy than just doing them and angsting about them later. I try not to think that way because I don't need to talk myself into just giving into to my own bullshit, but God.

Every blog post I write lately has "I'm tired" in it. It's not physical tiredness. It's a mental/psychological/emotional/spiritual tiredness that's bone-deep and stems from stress. And from how hard it is to try to work on personal issues, especially while it seems like everything else is going to hell in a handbasket. Just call me Nero; I feel like I'm sawing away at "Turkey in the Straw" while Rome burns down around my ears.

At the risk of being redundant, I'm fucking tired. I'm going to bed with the hopes that tomorrow will be better. Hope springs eternal and all that bullshit.