Current Issues

Mood: 0...meh again.

Meds: 4 pm-ish

Sleep: A very fragmented 7 or so hours

Other: Everything's pretty much all fucked up, but that's nothing unusual, yes?


I'm having some problems currently, and they're kind of bothering me.

You see, the way the diagnostic criteria for bipolar is written, psychotic episodes concur with mood episodes. This is how doctors distinguish between bipolar with psychotic features and the other psychotic disorders (schizophrenia, etc.). In other words, if you've got psychotic features (hallucinations, delusions, thought disorder, etc.) outside of manic or depressive episodes, you're something other than bipolar.

I'm a little worried because the paranoia is creeping back in. Skulking is probably the better word for it. It sneaks around and comes in the back door when I'm not looking, and then it seizes me in the dead of night, and I have no idea where it came from. Like, when we didn't have power last night, I couldn't go to sleep until it was light outside because every time I turned out the battery-powered lantern, it felt like something was creeping in closer and closer to my bed.

Yes, I am batshit. Why do you ask?

There are plenty of other examples, too, but I won't waste time talking about them. Let's just suffice it to say that the old paranoia is insinuating itself back in, albeit not as severely as before (at the moment, anyway).

I am completely aware of how irrational and ridiculous this is. I am also completely incapable of stopping it.

See, I don't think I've got a bout of mania or depression coming on. Doesn't *feel* like it, anyway. And that's what's worrying me. What if I'm crazier than previously imagined? I mean, I'm not at a completely "normal" place in my life, and the paranoia does seem to be transient and stress-related, but what does that mean?

On the other hand, I'm not entirely sure I'm capable of assessing my mood state correctly. I could be in the beginnings of a manic phase. I don't know. I don't have the racing thoughts and whatnot, but I'm starting to feel compelled to do the random sex thing again, and my rage is getting worse. Again.

So I don't know if I'm crazier than I thought or if these are just signs of me melting under the unrelenting stress or if I'm just not medicated heavily enough or correctly to take care of all the manic shit.

I guess we'll see soon enough. :|