Meds: 2:30 pm
Sleep: 10 hours
Other: Still have money coming in. My non-shitty boss approved my business plan. Fangbunny and I have come up with yet another money-making idea. So the work stuff is ok, but the rest of my life isn't. I shall elaborate.
****Disclaimer: Despite the title, I am NOT actually delusional. This is all a massive literary metaphor for my shitty life. Just sayin'.****
I am convinced I am in the midst of a huge production of Shakespeare's The Tragedy of Julius Caesar. This might be interesting to a lit nerd (and a narcissist) like myself, if not for one thing. I am apparently playing the title role here.
If you haven't read this play in awhile--or ever--let's review here. Julius Caesar, tragic hero, a man much reviled by those who, you know, were jealous of him, among other things. We also have our Brutus, Caesar's closest friend and confidant. Then, of course, we've got Cassius, the one who spreads false rumors of Caesar's non-existent plans to take over Rome and make it his and his alone, with the intention of sowing discontent among the ranks. And, finally, we have Mark Antony, the coolest of all of Caesar's friends, who, in the end, is the only one to remain loyal.
Much transpires behind the curtain as Cassius whittles away at Brutus's loyalty to Caesar. The Roman Senators eventually turn on Caesar, though Rome, of course, still loves him. Mark Antony suspects that there's something fishy going on here, especially after Caesar tells him that he doesn't trust Cassius as far as he can throw him and sleeps with one eye open when old Cass is around.
Once the Senators, including Brutus, decide they're going to off poor Caesar, Cassius suggests that they go ahead and ice Mark Antony as well, since there's a good possibility that Mark Antony will open up a can of whoop-ass and foil the plot. Brutus rejects the idea, but the plot against Caesar marches onward.
The next day (the Ides of March), the conspirators create a diversion to keep Mark Antony away, and they all basically corner Caesar and stab him to death. Caesar bravely looks Brutus in the eye and says, "Et tu, Brute?" to him, which roughly translates to "You bastard, I know you're gonna stab me, so at least have the balls to plant the knife in my chest instead of my back." Brutus stabs him; Caesar dies.
The conspirators manage to convince Rome that Caesar was out to fuck them all over before Caesar's funeral, mostly because the Roman citizens are all kind of a bunch of dumbasses who just blindly accept the least challenging position. So at the funeral, the citizens of Rome are talking shit, and ol' Cassius is gloating at his victory. Brutus goes all emo on them and claims that he was only doing what was best for Rome, that his heart bleeds because he had to strike Caesar down, that he still loves Caesar, Caesar was his best friend who was supposed to dance at his wedding and all that bullshit, only Caesar went batshit, so Brutus just did what he had to do, you know? Rome nods its collective head and agrees that Caesar was a horrible tyrant who needed to be deposed.
Enter Mark Antony, stage left.
Mark Antony, smarmy bastard that he is, gives Caesar a eulogy in which he condemns the conspirators by being a really sarcastic asshole. Seriously. Check this shit out.
"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interrèd with their bones.
So let it be with Caesar. The noble Brutus
Hath told you Caesar was ambitious.
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Caesar answered it.
Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest--
For Brutus is an honorable man;
So are they all, all honorable men--
Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral.
He was my friend, faithful, and just to me.
But Brutus says he was ambitious,
And Brutus is an honorable man.
He hath brought many captives home to Rome
Whose ransoms did the general coffers fill.
Did this in Caesar seem ambitious?
When that the poor hath cried, Caesar hath wept.
Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,
And Brutus is an honorable man.
You all did see that on the Lupercal
I thrice presented him a kingly crown,
Which he did thrice refuse. Was this ambition?
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,
And, sure, he is an honorable man.
I speak not to disprove what Brutus spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did love him once, not without cause.
What cause withholds you then to mourn for him?
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason. Bear with me.
My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar,
And I must pause till it come back to me."
Anyway, it goes along in this vein for awhile, until Rome, fickle, fickle bastard that he is, turns on the conspirators, calling them traitors, and remembers his initial love for Caesar. Mark Antony incites a riot--cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war and all that--, and the Roman citizens run Brutus, Cassius, and the rest of crew out on a rail. The play ends, as do all Shakespeare's tragedies, with bodies scattered everywhere, including those of Brutus and Cassius.
Mark Antony, naturally, goes on to become a notorious badass and womanizer who later ends up nailing Cleopatra on the regular. Rome finally comes to its senses to see Cassius for the snake in the grass that he really is (was?). Everyone sees that Brutus was duped, and Caesar's name is cleared. It all works out well, except for that whole Caesar being murdered part.
In this particular production of the play, I can tell you that I'm Caesar, and Fangbunny's Mark Antony. As to the identities of Brutus, Cassius, and Rome...well, I'll leave that to the reader to decide.
Caesar, to Antony, on the subject of Cassius:
Such men as he be never at heart's ease
Whiles they behold a greater than themselves,
And therefore are they very dangerous.
Very dangerous, indeed.
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