Meds: 5:30 pm
Sleep: 12 hours
Other: Same shit, different day. That's the easiest way of putting it.
Found this on my message board today and was amused.
Oh, if only it were really that simple.
Today's blog is something that's been rolling around in my head for awhile now. I'm hoping it might shed some light on a few things that go on in my brain and in my life.
What we have here is a tale of two bunnies.
First, we have a big bunny...a rabbit, if you will. The big bunny is me, or, if you prefer, the outward manifestation of myself and the sum of my experiences, blah, blah, blah.
And then, we have a baby bunny. The little bunny lives inside the big bunny, but is usually hiding where it can't be seen.
The little bunny is fragile, and the big bunny has taken it upon herself to protect the little bunny at all costs.
Ok, enough with the bunny analogies. I'm a fat, mentally ill 27-year-old who's got a little girl inside. And I'm not talking about my "inner child" or whatever New Age bullshit that pop psychologists spout. I mean, there is a part of my personality that is a little girl.
This little girl isn't a set age. She's usually anywhere from the ages of 3 to 7. The more stressful my life gets, the younger and clingier she becomes.
The big girl is me. I have always protected the little one inside at all costs. It's the reason I become so vicious when I've been hurt. A lifetime of hurts from people who take advantage of me constantly have helped to build up an elaborate defense mechanism to protect the little girl from the pain of being constantly surrounded by assholes.
It's rare that the little girl ever comes out. Mostly because it's rare that the big girl ever steps back far enough from her to let her poke her head out into the light of day. When she does, she is sweet and innocent and in need of the unconditional love she's never gotten from anyone in her entire life.
This, of course, makes her incredibly vulnerable to being hurt. And even when the big girl hides her behind tall, thick concrete walls with razor wire set in the top, sniper towers all around, and Great Danes with AIDS patrolling the outer perimeter, the evil of the world still manages to sneak through. Every mean, hateful, selfish, hurtful thing that someone does to the big girl, the little girl feels it.
That's why the big girl is so rabid about keeping people away. She does her best to fight them off, to attack viciously when someone's wounded her, to protect the little girl from more harm. The little girl needs to be protected, and the big girl knows that nobody else in the world will do it.
She hates herself for letting the little girl get hurt. The few times she's stepped back and let someone close to the little girl, that person has completely devastated the little one. So the big girl does everything in her power to keep it from happening again, including pushing away the ones she loves most because of the damage they've done to the little girl.
I am a profoundly fucked up individual. I don't think I can emphasize that enough.
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