Blind, Murderous Rage

Yeah, so much for sleep.

I'm so mad right now I could probably shank somebody.

B., the idiot I dated because I couldn't figure out how to say, "No, I'm not interested," is doing his "I need to take care of you because you're incompetent" spiel again. It's not out of any noble desire to help on his part. No, he and his girlfriend just broke up earlier in the week, and he's desperately trying to play "rescuer" in hopes of getting laid.

Today, he's trying to convince me I'm schizophrenic. Paranoid schiz, to be exact.

Ok, first and foremost, if I were schiz, I'm pretty sure the doctor would've caught it. Secondly, I have a degree in psych; I don't need him copying and pasting text from Wikipedia at me. I fucking know what schizophrenia is. I even took Abnormal Psych junior year!

He was like, "Well, you were convinced snipers were ready to shoot you."

I tried to explain that I was also manic/mixed, and the bipolar I diagnosis includes psychosis while you're in the throes of a mood episode. At first, I thought he was just genuinely confused because, yes, the schizophrenia, schizoaffective, and bipolar diagnoses have considerable overlap.

Then, I realized what he was doing. When I said that bipolar people can have psychotic episodes and that schizophrenics don't really have mood instability, he quickly changed tactics and said that he doesn't think I only have delusions during mood episodes. Number one, that's completely untrue. Number two, how the hell would he know? He's not in my head. Hell, I haven't even SEEN him since...last summer?

So when I shot that down, he decided to tell me that I hallucinate. Oh, really? I do? I must've missed that memo.

Then, he did what made me fly into this rage that's keeping me from sleeping. He claimed that just because I don't remember doesn't mean it doesn't happen because, after all, I don't remember a lot of things--I told him so myself. But HE remembers because I've asked him about "birds and whistling." (WTF? That would be some really stupid shit to hallucinate.)

He's fabricating this entire story to manipulate me for his own purposes and trying to prey on my fears about losing parts of my memory in order to do it. For his own purposes, of course, means that wants to scare me about my own mental state badly enough that I tell him to come down, and then he'll do his whole fake "Oh, you poor baby, I'm the only one who truly cares about you because nobody else attends to your needs like I do" schtick to try to get me to fuck him.

Yes. He's fucking with me in the worst possible way, by preying on my fear of my illness(es) and what it/they has/have done to me, to get me to fuck him. Way to gaslight the crazy person, asshole.

Oh, by the way, I was talking to Fangbunny online and asked her about this. She said that in the 6-ish months that she lived with me, I never asked her about "noises" and never acted like I was hearing anything. See, if someone other than him told me these things, I'd be more likely to believe them. But apparently, my own belief that I don't hallucinate is correct, and he's just a douchebag.

Also, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe part of the reason I'm suspicious of other people's motives is that I'm surrounded by people like him who'll play on my fears and insecurities to manipulate me into doing what they want?

Besides, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. If we're tacking diagnoses onto me in addition to bipolar, the most likely culprit is borderline. When I told him that, he shut the hell up.

I'm going to try again to go to bed, but I'm still mad as hell.


Editing to add what happened when I tried to get off Yahoo messenger and go to bed. Apparently sensing that he'd gone too far and pissed me off, he said, "You know I love you, right?" *Facepalm*

Do you SEE what I have to put up with?