Tuesday, June 14, 2011

This Is Gonna Sound Nuts, But...

...I have something to say.

You've been forewarned that it sounds crazy.

I've experienced a lot of pain in my life. I was born with this sort of deep, inner pain, I guess, that never really goes away. I've been through physical pain, lots of which was pretty rough because injuries are a way of life when you ride horses. I've lived with psychological pain my whole life because people inflict shit on me, and when there's no one around to do it for me, I do it for myself. Same with emotional pain. Then, there's that horrible spiritual pain where EVERYTHING hurts, and nothing you can do will ease it. The physical pain, funnily enough, is the *easiest* to handle.

But all this pales in comparison to psychic pain. It's a deep and empathic hurt that you feel when someone you love is in pain (usually emotional). There's nothing you can do to get away from it because it won't go away until they're happy again. And then it makes you feel like shit that there's nothing you can do for them, which increases your own emotional pain, and it's a vicious cycle from there.

At the moment, I'm feeling all 5. Physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and, worst of all, psychic. And the worst part of the worst part is that there's more than one person I love who's suffering inside. And there's really nothing I can do about any of it. And worst of worst of worst, it's all pretty much my fault.

I. Suck.

But in case those people are reading, I feel your pain. Literally.



I never could work miracles
There may be others who can do what I can't do
But no one else could be as good as me
At loving you

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