Why is it that I can think of things I want to say in this blog all day, but the second I sit down to write, my mind goes blank? It's really frustrating.
Story of my life.
Perhaps I should go back to writing in the morning again. I dunno.
I had a dream last night. Part of me thinks I should write about it, but once again, I dunno. The details are lost to me now. It was sort of weird, anyway. But I got the gist of it.
I dreamed about them. Both of them. I hardly ever dream about either of them, so it was damned crazy to dream of both of them at once.
I don't really know what to say about this dream, other than it highlighted a very painful fact that I've been trying to conveniently forget. It's not just him that I miss desperately. :(
I've been toying with the idea of contacting her lately, but I'm sure it's a terrible idea, which is why I haven't done it. First of all, I doubt I'll get any response, and if I do, it'll probably be a nasty one. I almost think a nasty response would be better than none at all. :(
There's no way she'd believe I'm not doing it to get to him. Let's be real, when have I ever needed her to get to him? Never. If that makes me an asshole for saying it, then so be it. But, as my Granny would've said, the truth'll stand when the world's on fire.
I miss her, even though I'm pretty sure there's never been a human being on this earth who's ever hurt me this much with perhaps the exception of the feline she took away from me. There were times when it was good, even though those times were few and far between. I remember once when he tied my hands together (can't remember if it was in front of me or behind me), and I sat in the floor in front of her while she fed me from a plate she fixed big enough for both of us. Nobody's ever really done that for me before. It appeals to the little girl in me.
And the little girl in me can't figure out why mommy and daddy don't love her anymore and why they took her pet kitty when they left. :(
I wish I could tell her that I'm sorry for everything. I know I'm a horrible person, and I hate myself for it. When I'm hurting, it's like I can't stop myself. I think I'm getting better about it, but every day is still a struggle.
But underneath all the hurt and bitterness and resentment is a lost little girl who's in love with someone who doesn't--and won't--love her back.
I feel incompetent around her. She's good at things, and I'm not. I feel like a clumsy idiot, and I'm sure she thinks the same. I somehow feel like less of a person because all the things that she is, that she's good at, just highlight all the things I fucking hate about myself. All I'm good at is hiding away from the world and navel-gazing. She can actually, you know, DO things. It makes me feel completely inadequate and like a failure.
I hate the fact that any gesture I make will be misconstrued as insincere, disingenuous, and manipulative. I hate the fact that I still love her, that she can still get under my skin. More than that, I hate that she'll never feed me from her plate or let me curl up in her lap ever again, like I did in that dream.
*Sigh* I'm a fucking masochist.
I was happy for a little while last night, then I woke up and realized it was only just a dream....
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