sta·bil·i·ty
[stuh-bil-i-tee]
–noun, plural -ties.
1.
the state or quality of being stable.
2.
firmness in position.
3.
continuance without change; permanence.
sta·ble2
[stey-buhl]
–adjective, -bler, -blest.
1.
not likely to fall or give way, as a structure, support, foundation, etc.; firm; steady.
2.
able or likely to continue or last; firmly established; enduring or permanent: a stable government.
3.
resistant to sudden change or deterioration: A stable economy is the aim of every government.
4.
steadfast; not wavering or changeable, as in character or purpose; dependable.
5.
not subject to emotional instability or illness; sane; mentally sound.
The mental health implications of these words aside (for now), stability is still not something I can offer.
I want to be able to jump ship and go do what I want to do without anything really tying me down. If I want to take my shit and move to Florida, I want to be able to do it. I don't necessarily like my job in the form it's in now, but I love the fact that it doesn't tie me to some shitty office in some shithole town I can't stand. I can't stand the thought of working *for* someone anymore. I'll work for myself, or I'll die. One or the other. I don't want to have the supposed American Dream life with the cookie-cutter house in the cookie-cutter suburb, surrounded by people *just like me*, completely clueless about the world around me and absorbed only in myself and my tiny little sphere.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I want to avoid responsibilities or consequences for my actions. This is not some manic "fuck the world, I'ma do what I want" phase.
The problem is, I guess I'm a selfish fuck. I've always valued my own independence and my own freedom above other people's desire for stability. Can't hang with me? Then get the fuck out. It's also the reason I'll never have kids. I might be selfish, but I'm not selfish enough to inflict my own selfishness on children.
Unfortunately, it makes for a very lonely life because what most people want is the same sort of stability that I loathe.
This isn't theoretical, by the way. I've tried it. And, honestly, in the famous words of Ludacris, "You can't turn a 'ho into a housewife."
On the other hand, while "stability" makes me want to blow my brains out, what I do have is consistency.
con·sist·en·cy
[kuhn-sis-tuhn-see]
–noun, plural -cies.
1.
a degree of density, firmness, viscosity, etc.: The liquid has the consistency of cream.
2.
steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.: There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.
3.
agreement, harmony, or compatibility, especially correspondence or uniformity among the parts of a complex thing: consistency of colors throughout the house.
It's a fine distinction, to be sure, but I think it's important. I'm unstable (mentally and otherwise), impulsive, rash, prone to doing shit for no reason other than because I can, instigative, motivated heavily by spite, and divisive, as a person. But one thing you can count on is that I'm consistent. (And tomorrow's blog will probably be about how *I* need consistency. But for now, let's stick with me *being* consistent.)
You may be asking how I can say I'm consistent, even though I'm unstable, impulsive, rash, etc., etc. Well, read definition #2 again. I'll wait.
In spite of my oft-erratic behavior, I have a set of principles that I stick to insistently. You may never know what kind of mood I'll be in, what kind of shit I've gotten myself into this time, or even what my favorite color might be at any given time (though it's probably purple, FYI), but you can always guarantee that when someone violates said principles, I'll be ready to fight.
When I was in college, I joined a sorority. As cheesy as this sounds, the beginning of our creed--and, yes, if you don't know me and you Google this, you'll know what sorority I was/am in, but fuck you, I don't care--has always pretty well summed me up from the beginning.
To the world,
I promise temperance and insight and courage,
To crusade for justice,
To seek the truth and defend it always
(Yes, I am a fan of block quotes today.)
Ok, so I suck on the "temperance" part. I burn hot or I run cold. I do things all the way or not at all. But as for the rest? Guilty.
You can count on me to (eventually) do the right thing, whatever the right thing happens to be in my mind. You can count on me to always be on guard against hypocrisy in myself, as I think it's the worst sin you can commit. I may not always succeed in not being hypocritical, but I try very hard. You can count on me to come to the rescue when nobody else will for no other reason than because I cared enough to. I will swoop in like an avenging angel (or a bat out of hell, depending on your perspective), wrap you in my wings, make my fantastic gesture, and fly the hell out again.
You probably can't expect me to give much of a shit about the daily grind (stability). But, by God, when you need me, you know I'll be there (consistency). The little things aren't my forte, but the grand gestures are.
It's just my nature.
You see, one of the things that's consistent about me is that I'm a passionate person. Yes, I will crusade for justice because if I don't, who will?
First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left to speak out for me.
Yes, I had to throw another block quote in there. Sue me.
No, I cannot offer stability. Even when I'm mentally/emotionally stable, I'll never be the rock that someone can cling to desperately to keep from drowning. But I am consistent, and I am passionate. I'm more like the anchor that you don't necessarily realize is there as you float around in the shallow waters of your life until you find yourself being sucked out to sea, and then you're relieved that my chain is wrapped around your ankle, preventing you from being pulled out in the open waters, where there's nothing but tankers and oil rigs.
That's all that I am. Take it or leave it.
This isn't exactly a tightly written blog post. I'm meandering, but I'm bad about that. It's more of a loose collection of thoughts, rather than something that has a point. There's only one more thing I want to say, though, and I'm done.
I'm guilty of burning things to the ground because of my instability, because of my passionate nature. I do it a lot. But the one thing people forget is that sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes, you have to slash-and-burn to get something worthwhile to grow up from the ashes.
And that's what I'm doing right now. I just hope I can make people understand....
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