Been struggling with some things of late. I'm going to go ahead and blog about it now because I sincerely doubt I'm going to be able to sit up on this desktop much longer. I didn't make it up early enough in time today to go get the desk out of storage, so I'm *still* sitting in the floor. My ass hurts. :(
Ok. Things I'm struggling with.
#1--Still lots of anger. Apparently, I'm bitter at the world. To some degree, it's understandable. I mean, you try having a genius-level IQ in a shitty small town where you're poor white trash with a batshit crazy family who instills in you that your ONLY worth is what you look like and how much you can give to people (in that order) and see if you come out perfectly well-adjusted. Yeah, not so much.
But I guess I should really get over it, after all this time. It's just really hard. I want to rage against every injustice that's been committed to me, especially, and to others. But I'm aware that that's equivalent to pissing in the wind. But holding it in and randomly exploding has done nothing but make me MORE bitter and MORE angry. I just haven't found acceptable alternatives yet. :|
#2--I'm having a hard time with certain situations in my life. I'm tired of always finding myself in places where *I* have to take full responsibility for everything that happens because, God knows, I'M the only one who's ever wrong. The rest of these perfect motherfuckers can do no wrong, so they heap all the blame on me. And I'm the dumbass who accepts it.
It must be nice to know that you've got scapegoat handy for every time you act like an asshole.
#3--I really want to just bash people's heads in sometimes. I mean, I'm sick of being made responsible for other people's feelings. I'm fine with being responsible for my own, but not YOURS, too, goddammit. If YOU'RE jealous, how the fuck is that MY fault? Own your shit like everybody else has to.
When I'm a bitch, I say I'm a bitch. I admit it. I don't run around going, "Oh, well, if SHE weren't here, I wouldn't be a bitch." No, I'm going to be a bitch regardless of who's around. Jealousy works the same way, assholes.
#4--I could keep going. I'm just...really upset that in order to even attempt to make a shitty situation any better, I'm going to have to shoulder every bit of the blame YET AGAIN. And then open myself up to criticism, to more shitty treatment, to more everything for something that, ultimately, is neither my fault nor my problem.
I'm sorry you hate me because you're jealous. What the fuck am I supposed to do about that? Why do I have to be punished because YOU have no control over your own emotions? And regardless of what people will say, that's always been the real problem. Why was I a bitch? I don't know, maybe because I was treated like the disposable maid and sex toy for so long. And why was I treated that way?
Because YOU were jealous.
But this is somehow MY fault.
Oh, that's right. Every motherfucking thing is my fault. I keep forgetting.
Might wanna rethink kicking me out of your life, then. God knows what you'll do when you don't have a scapegoat for your reprehensible behavior.
Also, it's nice that you think that it's ok for everyone else in the world to be miserable, so you don't have to face your own demons. That's fucking cowardice if I ever saw it. Cowardice and selfishness. "It's cool if other people are sad, as long as I get what I want."
But what can you expect from someone with an entitlement complex that's larger than MY ego?
In a similar vein, I hate myself for having those thoughts. But I can't help it. I WANT this to work. But I don't want to have to go back to the status quo for it to happen.
No, you know what? It's not that I don't want to. It's that I CAN'T. Not for the sake of my OWN GODDAMN SANITY. Which, I'm sorry, is more important than someone else's comfort. There's my selfishness. Have fun admiring it.
You know what? I'd walk away from this in a goddamn heartbeat if I thought I were the only one it'd affect. If I thought there'd be a party thrown if I left without a backward glance, I'd fucking go. But this affects more than just me, more than just her.
For someone who claims to love him so damn much, you sure do like to stand in the way of what makes him happy.
I can't do that. Do you think this situation is ideal for me? No. But I'd die before I'd tell him he had to choose between us. You know why? Because for whatever reason, you make him happy. And if I claim to love him, then WHO THE FUCK AM I to stand between him and what he needs to be happy?
Maybe your life would go better if you figured out the difference between love and ownership/possession. I'd douse myself in kerosene and light myself on fire if it'd make him happy. Not if it'd save his life. Not if it'd accomplish something for the greater good. I'd do it if only to AMUSE him.
And that's not "submission," honey. That's what love is. It's having someone else who's so much more important than you, than yourself, than your own pride, than your own ego, that you'd do ANYTHING for that person(s), regardless of how it impacts you. Anything less ain't really love.
He's a goddamn human being. Not a fucking trophy that you parade around, so you can show everyone you "won."
Wow...that did not go where I meant for it to go. But I think it's better for it to come out here than somewhere else. Maybe if the anger's out, I can come up with something productive.
Actually, I'm going to post something about jealousy tomorrow. It's an article that I read a long time ago, and I think it's great.
If you think I'm being an exhibitionist by saying all this here, well, I hate it. I need to work my shit out because I've got some things to handle soon. Better here, where it will harm no one, than somewhere else.
That's because I'm NOT an entitled bitch.
No comments:
Post a Comment