I. Feel. Like. Hell.
Whale shit on the bottom of the ocean is a good description.
It's coming. You know, the bottomless pit of despair I fall into every fall, only to be tugged out by a fucking mixed episode that's even WORSE than the depression it pulled me out of.
The last few days, I've felt mild depressive symptoms, which were fairly easily ignored while ChaosKitty was here. But she left yesterday, and now I do believe the depression has set in. It might be here to stay for awhile.
Depression sucks, but the mixed episode that's bound to follow sucks even harder. I can't even put into words how horrible it is. I can't control anything--my thoughts, my feelings, my words, my actions. I might as well be a character in a video game for all the control I have over what I do. I'm wound tighter than a fiddle string. My thoughts won't slow down, but I have all the depressive thoughts and behaviors. I get super-paranoid and delusional, and I start having thoughts that aren't my own, or at least don't seem like they are.
Fuck that.
I want to ward this off, somehow. I know I could up the Wellbutrin, which would stop the depression, but I'm afraid it'd just hasten the mixed episode, and I'd rather just be depressed, thank you very much. I've got plenty of Lamictal because I've got a prescription for 200 mg., but I only take 125 because it's all I need. But I'm afraid to up that because I don't want it to make the depression worse. And I'm afraid I really would go batshit if I upped them both at once.
I'm thinking I'm going to go to bed soon and see if I can get some real sleep tonight. The fucking neighbors on both sides kept me up all morning. Then, if I'm not feeling better by Monday, I may just call the doctor's office.
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