If The Grim Reaper Came, I'd Tip Him

I am officially in whiny, mopey bitch territory. You have been warned.

I hate this. I hate this fucking feeling. I slept 12+ hours last night, and I still feel like I've been hit by a bus. A particularly LARGE bus, at that. I haven't done a damn thing today but sit here on the Internet, reading about mental illness and convincing myself that I'm even more batshit than I thought. Which, while probably *true*, is probably not the best idea at the moment.

My whole body feels like it's made of lead, my brain included. I can't do...anything.

There are several things contributing to this. Two of them are stupid, and two of them not so much.

1.) It's sorority rush time. It's not that I want anything to do with it, really, because it's way too stressful, but it DOES remind me how fucking old I am. I pledged EIGHT YEARS AGO. I feel down anytime I think of how old I am. :( This is the first stupid reason.

2.) I had my hopes up about going to Florida, and now it looks like there's no way I can go, unless I go by myself because nobody wants to go with me. Considering that 3 or 4 days at the beach is all I look forward to all YEAR, this is kind of a major blow. But, yes, I guess it's a stupid reason, too.

3.) General life stressors: Work sucks, and not being able to function because of being batshit is not making life any better. My mother has skin cancer (big surprise there, huh?) and is going to see the surgeon on Wednesday. So whenever she has to go have the place on her leg removed, I'm going to, of course, have to go down there and cart her around. I hate being an only child sometimes. I'M the one who has to drop everything every time somebody so much as breaks a damn fingernail. Yes, I'm being selfish. No, I don't care. These people drive me batshit.

4.) I'm still suffering from the loss of the people I love. Even Kitty still doesn't talk to me unless I talk to her first, and even then, it's rare. I send texts, IMs, and emails that are never answered. My comments on her Facebook status are either not acknowledged or mysteriously vanish. I'm doing my best to not be an intrusive asshole, but I'd also like to see if we can salvage our friendship. I'm starting to feel as though she doesn't feel the same way, regardless of what she says.

As for the other two...well, he still needs to die in a fire. I've turned it over and over and over in my head, and I STILL can't come up with a good reason for what he did. How the FUCK could you push something so hard, say you wanted it so bad, and then sabotage it at every turn?

And they say I'M the self-destructive one. *Eyeroll*

I pray to God that she'll talk to me. I want to apologize and to get some things out there that should've been out there all along. I NEED for her to understand. I know that she'll probably think that it's some kind of ploy, but it's not. I wish we could come to some kind of understanding, so that we could be friends. Just friends. I have so few of them, and I love these people so dearly that it's so hard to live without them in my life.


I wish people understood the nature of my crazy a little better. I'd love a little understanding and sympathy. Not pity. God, no, not that. But if I had, say, a brain tumor that made me do crazy shit, people wouldn't blame me for it. But because I'm mentally interesting instead of physically, it's my fault.

I hate this. I hate my life. I hate being crazy. I hate everything.

Please, God, let this pass soon.



Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long-awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told, I tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me, "I told you so"

We all begin with good intent
Our love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone

But we carry on backs the burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
And the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I've held so dear

I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me, "I told you so"

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know

Oh, they turn their heads, embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it

And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed....

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me, "I told you so"

I've messed up
Better I should know
But don't come 'round here
And tell me, "I told you so"