Well, after a massive clusterfuck of a week--which I don't even want to talk about because I'm so sick of it--we've FINALLY gotten ChaosKitty some help. It took THREE different doctors. And I feel fairly sure that the only reason we got help this time is that I took her to MY doctor, who is freaking amazing and who actually *listens* to what comes out of your mouth.
<3 Dr. M.
Of course, we don't have her meds yet. I pay $42 for my 25 mg. Lamictal and, like $19 for my 100 mg. at the pharmacy where I used to work (my Daddy and the owner are really good friends). (Yes, I get two different bottles of it. Long story, LOL.) I didn't go there to get her meds today because I thought it'd be too hard for her to pick up and stuff, given how far away A/C is from the north side of Atlanta.
That was my first mistake.
Walmart wanted $198 for the exact same prescription that I get for $42. That's 150% markup, folks. I was like, "WHAT?!?!?!?!" when they told me the price. Then, I told them I couldn't pay that. I asked if they were sure that they'd filled it as generic, and they told me they did. That's when I said that I get MY Teva generic for $42, the exact same prescription, and the dumb bitch was like, "Well, do you have insurance?"
No, stupid. I'm smart enough to know that if I had insurance, that would explain the difference. *Headdesk* When I said that I don't have insurance and pay for it out of pocket, she was like, "Well, I don't know what to tell you."
So I said, "Well, I know what to tell you. I'm taking this elsewhere to get it filled," LOL.
God, I'm such an asshole.
So, anyway, I'm giving ChaosKitty some of mine until next week when I go home again, and then I'm getting her prescription filled there for her. Screw these assholes and their ridiculous prices. Independent pharmacies for the win!
I have to go home again next week for my mama's surgery. They biopsied some other places on her body and found skin cancers on BOTH legs. Apparently, they're bad enough that they're going to have to do skin grafts to fill in the spots they remove. :( But, luckily, it is an outpatient procedure.
Unfortunately, my mama's surgery and ChaosKitty's multiple doctor visits means no beach for me. :( BUT what kind of person would I have been if I had the means to help someone who needed help, and I didn't do it? ChaosKitty was all like, "Most people wouldn't have done it."
Yeah, well, most people need their asses kicked. Somebody needs my help--especially for a mental health issue, since I know how bad that is--and I'm going to give it to them. End of story. I'm not doing it for pats on the back or to make myself look good. I did it because it was the right thing to do. I may have fucked up a lot in my life and done a lot of questionable things, but I will NOT leave somebody who needs me. Never. Not in a million years.
That's just how I roll.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Exhaustion
I really want to write about all the shit that's going on, but I'm SO tired. I feel like I've been all over the South this week. To make a long story short, I've taken ChaosKitty to two different doctors already, and neither of them have helped her. So I'm tired of spending money on dumbasses who won't give her what she needs, which is a mood stabilizer.
So she's back at home with me right now, and tomorrow I'll be taking her to my doctor. I know she'll write ChaosKitty a prescription for a mood stabilizer because that's what she did for me.
I'll update with more details and all the other shit that's been going on later, but right now? Is bedtime.
So she's back at home with me right now, and tomorrow I'll be taking her to my doctor. I know she'll write ChaosKitty a prescription for a mood stabilizer because that's what she did for me.
I'll update with more details and all the other shit that's been going on later, but right now? Is bedtime.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Quick Update
Ok, well, ChaosKitty has a doctor's appointment for Saturday. I've been keeping her calm with a combination of being outrageous and giving her anxiety meds. She's a lot better today than she was when I got here. I hope that once we get her to the doctor and get her on some meds, she'll be better than that.
I won't lose faith. :)
In other, more embarrassing news: This bitch has me playing Second Life.
Yes. Second. Life.
I'm almost ashamed to admit it out loud....
I won't lose faith. :)
In other, more embarrassing news: This bitch has me playing Second Life.
Yes. Second. Life.
I'm almost ashamed to admit it out loud....
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Playing Messiah For A Minute
So I made a flying run to Atlanta today.
ChaosKitty is in REALLY bad shape. She's bipolar and unmedicated, and I think it's finally gotten the better of her. She's in the middle of a hellacious mixed episode, which is where I was about this time last year. And honestly? I was afraid to leave her by herself.
I'll be hauling her bodily to the doctor tomorrow. There's no sense in her going through this if she doesn't have to.
I guess people might say this is none of my business, but she's one of my best friends in the whole world. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't help her. God knows, when I was in this same situation, I could've really used a friend to sit with me and make sure I was ok.
Just because some people think it's ok to abandon crazy people when they're at their craziest--and thus, at the point where they need someone the most--doesn't mean I do. I KNOW what it's like. She needs someone who understands.
Thoughts/prayers would be nice, too, if anybody's reading.
ChaosKitty is in REALLY bad shape. She's bipolar and unmedicated, and I think it's finally gotten the better of her. She's in the middle of a hellacious mixed episode, which is where I was about this time last year. And honestly? I was afraid to leave her by herself.
I'll be hauling her bodily to the doctor tomorrow. There's no sense in her going through this if she doesn't have to.
I guess people might say this is none of my business, but she's one of my best friends in the whole world. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't help her. God knows, when I was in this same situation, I could've really used a friend to sit with me and make sure I was ok.
Just because some people think it's ok to abandon crazy people when they're at their craziest--and thus, at the point where they need someone the most--doesn't mean I do. I KNOW what it's like. She needs someone who understands.
Thoughts/prayers would be nice, too, if anybody's reading.
Stay Awhile And Maybe Then You'll See A Different Side Of Me....
All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
And all night
Hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for
A breakdown
And I don't know why
But I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough, you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
And dodging glances on the train
And I know
I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
But I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough, you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon, they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough, you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Yeah, how I used to be, yeah
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell
I'm just a little unwell
One Small Step For Bunny....
I'm working on fixing things with Kitty. It appears to be working. She doesn't seem as uncomfortable around me anymore, anyway. I REALLY miss having Kitty in my life, so it would be nice if this could be repaired. Baby steps.
Would be nice to have this chance with them--her especially. I mean, even just as friends. Maybe she will hear my appeal. I guess she really doesn't owe me anything, but it'd be nice if she let me try.
*Sigh* Baby steps.
Would be nice to have this chance with them--her especially. I mean, even just as friends. Maybe she will hear my appeal. I guess she really doesn't owe me anything, but it'd be nice if she let me try.
*Sigh* Baby steps.
Another Dear X
Dear X,
Happy Birthday.
If I had balls, I'd tell you myself. But I don't. So I hide behind my computer screen and write anonymous notes addressed to letters of the alphabet and think, somehow, I'm doing something worth a shit.
If you'd let me, I'd spend my whole life making it up to you and showing you how much I love you. :(
~Bunny
Happy Birthday.
If I had balls, I'd tell you myself. But I don't. So I hide behind my computer screen and write anonymous notes addressed to letters of the alphabet and think, somehow, I'm doing something worth a shit.
If you'd let me, I'd spend my whole life making it up to you and showing you how much I love you. :(
~Bunny
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
On Love
I've never understood it when people say shit like, "Just because you love somebody doesn't mean you can be with them."
That's bullshit.
If somebody says, "I love you, but I can't be with you," what it really means is "I don't love you enough to make it work."
ChaosKitty and I had this discussion the other day. When I love, I love forever. So does she. It is, apparently, a lost art.
But whatever. I don't care what other people do. The only thing I have to answer for is what *I've* done, and, by God, I've never--and will never--abandon someone I love.
My whole life, any ounce of love or affection I've been given has come with a shit ton of strings attached. Conditional love. "Love," as it were.
I'll never do that to another person. It's unconditional or not at all.
I just had to get that off my chest.
That's bullshit.
If somebody says, "I love you, but I can't be with you," what it really means is "I don't love you enough to make it work."
ChaosKitty and I had this discussion the other day. When I love, I love forever. So does she. It is, apparently, a lost art.
But whatever. I don't care what other people do. The only thing I have to answer for is what *I've* done, and, by God, I've never--and will never--abandon someone I love.
My whole life, any ounce of love or affection I've been given has come with a shit ton of strings attached. Conditional love. "Love," as it were.
I'll never do that to another person. It's unconditional or not at all.
I just had to get that off my chest.
Monday, August 22, 2011
If The Grim Reaper Came, I'd Tip Him
I am officially in whiny, mopey bitch territory. You have been warned.
I hate this. I hate this fucking feeling. I slept 12+ hours last night, and I still feel like I've been hit by a bus. A particularly LARGE bus, at that. I haven't done a damn thing today but sit here on the Internet, reading about mental illness and convincing myself that I'm even more batshit than I thought. Which, while probably *true*, is probably not the best idea at the moment.
My whole body feels like it's made of lead, my brain included. I can't do...anything.
There are several things contributing to this. Two of them are stupid, and two of them not so much.
1.) It's sorority rush time. It's not that I want anything to do with it, really, because it's way too stressful, but it DOES remind me how fucking old I am. I pledged EIGHT YEARS AGO. I feel down anytime I think of how old I am. :( This is the first stupid reason.
2.) I had my hopes up about going to Florida, and now it looks like there's no way I can go, unless I go by myself because nobody wants to go with me. Considering that 3 or 4 days at the beach is all I look forward to all YEAR, this is kind of a major blow. But, yes, I guess it's a stupid reason, too.
3.) General life stressors: Work sucks, and not being able to function because of being batshit is not making life any better. My mother has skin cancer (big surprise there, huh?) and is going to see the surgeon on Wednesday. So whenever she has to go have the place on her leg removed, I'm going to, of course, have to go down there and cart her around. I hate being an only child sometimes. I'M the one who has to drop everything every time somebody so much as breaks a damn fingernail. Yes, I'm being selfish. No, I don't care. These people drive me batshit.
4.) I'm still suffering from the loss of the people I love. Even Kitty still doesn't talk to me unless I talk to her first, and even then, it's rare. I send texts, IMs, and emails that are never answered. My comments on her Facebook status are either not acknowledged or mysteriously vanish. I'm doing my best to not be an intrusive asshole, but I'd also like to see if we can salvage our friendship. I'm starting to feel as though she doesn't feel the same way, regardless of what she says.
As for the other two...well, he still needs to die in a fire. I've turned it over and over and over in my head, and I STILL can't come up with a good reason for what he did. How the FUCK could you push something so hard, say you wanted it so bad, and then sabotage it at every turn?
And they say I'M the self-destructive one. *Eyeroll*
I pray to God that she'll talk to me. I want to apologize and to get some things out there that should've been out there all along. I NEED for her to understand. I know that she'll probably think that it's some kind of ploy, but it's not. I wish we could come to some kind of understanding, so that we could be friends. Just friends. I have so few of them, and I love these people so dearly that it's so hard to live without them in my life.
I wish people understood the nature of my crazy a little better. I'd love a little understanding and sympathy. Not pity. God, no, not that. But if I had, say, a brain tumor that made me do crazy shit, people wouldn't blame me for it. But because I'm mentally interesting instead of physically, it's my fault.
I hate this. I hate my life. I hate being crazy. I hate everything.
Please, God, let this pass soon.
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long-awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told, I tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me, "I told you so"
We all begin with good intent
Our love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on backs the burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
And the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I've held so dear
I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me, "I told you so"
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh, they turn their heads, embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed....
Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me, "I told you so"
I've messed up
Better I should know
But don't come 'round here
And tell me, "I told you so"
I hate this. I hate this fucking feeling. I slept 12+ hours last night, and I still feel like I've been hit by a bus. A particularly LARGE bus, at that. I haven't done a damn thing today but sit here on the Internet, reading about mental illness and convincing myself that I'm even more batshit than I thought. Which, while probably *true*, is probably not the best idea at the moment.
My whole body feels like it's made of lead, my brain included. I can't do...anything.
There are several things contributing to this. Two of them are stupid, and two of them not so much.
1.) It's sorority rush time. It's not that I want anything to do with it, really, because it's way too stressful, but it DOES remind me how fucking old I am. I pledged EIGHT YEARS AGO. I feel down anytime I think of how old I am. :( This is the first stupid reason.
2.) I had my hopes up about going to Florida, and now it looks like there's no way I can go, unless I go by myself because nobody wants to go with me. Considering that 3 or 4 days at the beach is all I look forward to all YEAR, this is kind of a major blow. But, yes, I guess it's a stupid reason, too.
3.) General life stressors: Work sucks, and not being able to function because of being batshit is not making life any better. My mother has skin cancer (big surprise there, huh?) and is going to see the surgeon on Wednesday. So whenever she has to go have the place on her leg removed, I'm going to, of course, have to go down there and cart her around. I hate being an only child sometimes. I'M the one who has to drop everything every time somebody so much as breaks a damn fingernail. Yes, I'm being selfish. No, I don't care. These people drive me batshit.
4.) I'm still suffering from the loss of the people I love. Even Kitty still doesn't talk to me unless I talk to her first, and even then, it's rare. I send texts, IMs, and emails that are never answered. My comments on her Facebook status are either not acknowledged or mysteriously vanish. I'm doing my best to not be an intrusive asshole, but I'd also like to see if we can salvage our friendship. I'm starting to feel as though she doesn't feel the same way, regardless of what she says.
As for the other two...well, he still needs to die in a fire. I've turned it over and over and over in my head, and I STILL can't come up with a good reason for what he did. How the FUCK could you push something so hard, say you wanted it so bad, and then sabotage it at every turn?
And they say I'M the self-destructive one. *Eyeroll*
I pray to God that she'll talk to me. I want to apologize and to get some things out there that should've been out there all along. I NEED for her to understand. I know that she'll probably think that it's some kind of ploy, but it's not. I wish we could come to some kind of understanding, so that we could be friends. Just friends. I have so few of them, and I love these people so dearly that it's so hard to live without them in my life.
I wish people understood the nature of my crazy a little better. I'd love a little understanding and sympathy. Not pity. God, no, not that. But if I had, say, a brain tumor that made me do crazy shit, people wouldn't blame me for it. But because I'm mentally interesting instead of physically, it's my fault.
I hate this. I hate my life. I hate being crazy. I hate everything.
Please, God, let this pass soon.
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long-awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told, I tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me, "I told you so"
We all begin with good intent
Our love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on backs the burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
And the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I've held so dear
I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me, "I told you so"
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh, they turn their heads, embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed....
Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me, "I told you so"
I've messed up
Better I should know
But don't come 'round here
And tell me, "I told you so"
Saturday, August 20, 2011
I'm Not Crazy; I'm Just A Little Unwe--No, I Guess I Am Crazy
I. Feel. Like. Hell.
Whale shit on the bottom of the ocean is a good description.
It's coming. You know, the bottomless pit of despair I fall into every fall, only to be tugged out by a fucking mixed episode that's even WORSE than the depression it pulled me out of.
The last few days, I've felt mild depressive symptoms, which were fairly easily ignored while ChaosKitty was here. But she left yesterday, and now I do believe the depression has set in. It might be here to stay for awhile.
Depression sucks, but the mixed episode that's bound to follow sucks even harder. I can't even put into words how horrible it is. I can't control anything--my thoughts, my feelings, my words, my actions. I might as well be a character in a video game for all the control I have over what I do. I'm wound tighter than a fiddle string. My thoughts won't slow down, but I have all the depressive thoughts and behaviors. I get super-paranoid and delusional, and I start having thoughts that aren't my own, or at least don't seem like they are.
Fuck that.
I want to ward this off, somehow. I know I could up the Wellbutrin, which would stop the depression, but I'm afraid it'd just hasten the mixed episode, and I'd rather just be depressed, thank you very much. I've got plenty of Lamictal because I've got a prescription for 200 mg., but I only take 125 because it's all I need. But I'm afraid to up that because I don't want it to make the depression worse. And I'm afraid I really would go batshit if I upped them both at once.
I'm thinking I'm going to go to bed soon and see if I can get some real sleep tonight. The fucking neighbors on both sides kept me up all morning. Then, if I'm not feeling better by Monday, I may just call the doctor's office.
Whale shit on the bottom of the ocean is a good description.
It's coming. You know, the bottomless pit of despair I fall into every fall, only to be tugged out by a fucking mixed episode that's even WORSE than the depression it pulled me out of.
The last few days, I've felt mild depressive symptoms, which were fairly easily ignored while ChaosKitty was here. But she left yesterday, and now I do believe the depression has set in. It might be here to stay for awhile.
Depression sucks, but the mixed episode that's bound to follow sucks even harder. I can't even put into words how horrible it is. I can't control anything--my thoughts, my feelings, my words, my actions. I might as well be a character in a video game for all the control I have over what I do. I'm wound tighter than a fiddle string. My thoughts won't slow down, but I have all the depressive thoughts and behaviors. I get super-paranoid and delusional, and I start having thoughts that aren't my own, or at least don't seem like they are.
Fuck that.
I want to ward this off, somehow. I know I could up the Wellbutrin, which would stop the depression, but I'm afraid it'd just hasten the mixed episode, and I'd rather just be depressed, thank you very much. I've got plenty of Lamictal because I've got a prescription for 200 mg., but I only take 125 because it's all I need. But I'm afraid to up that because I don't want it to make the depression worse. And I'm afraid I really would go batshit if I upped them both at once.
I'm thinking I'm going to go to bed soon and see if I can get some real sleep tonight. The fucking neighbors on both sides kept me up all morning. Then, if I'm not feeling better by Monday, I may just call the doctor's office.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
In Lieu Of Work, I Write
According to Facebook, tomorrow is Love a Bunny Day. I only know this because Fangbunny totally posted it on my Facebook wall this morning, LOL.
Unfortunately, no one will be loving THIS bunny tomorrow. It makes me really sad. :(
I Googled "unloved bunny" for an image, and that was the most tragic-looking one I found. Poor bunny. :(
In other news, my mother has a skin cancer lesion on her leg. Squamous cell carcinoma, I think? Which is sucky, but she's damn lucky it's not melanoma. She's seeing the surgeon on Wednesday, and, of course, I have to go home to drive her around when she has the fucker removed. But I won't know until late Wednesday evening when she's going to have it done, and there's the possibility that it'll have to be done that Thursday. *Headdesk*
And she wonders why I don't bake in the sun and in tanning beds like she does. Ok, it's mostly because I don't want to look wrinkly and leathery before my time, but it sounds better if I say it's because I care about not getting skin cancer.
Blech.
I've made a decision about contacting her. I realize that it's completely inadvisable. I also realize it's going to piss her the fuck off because she basically told me to leave her alone. But I'm going to do it, anyway. I'll never be able to rest easy knowing that I didn't apologize for painting her as the villain when, in truth, she really wasn't. Nor will I be able to look at myself in the mirror without getting some things off my conscience and setting the record straight.
Will it result in anything? I sincerely doubt it. I hope, more than anything in the world, I can get her to talk to me, just so I can apologize to her to her face. I want to look her in the eye and say I was wrong. I'd also like her to see me and see that I'm dead serious. Do I expect anything else? No.
I'm not asking for another chance. I'm not asking for anything, other than for the opportunity to give her the apology and explanation that she deserves. I wish we could be friends, but I'm not going to push it. Maybe someday. Other than that, I have no ulterior motives at this point.
However, because I am not a flaming asshole, I'm not going to contact her for another couple of weeks. I know her birthday is next week (Tuesday, I think, but I'm not looking at the calendar at the moment), and I think everybody's entitled to a happy birthday without having to worry about other people's drama. (God knows, I think MY birthday should be a national holiday.) So I'm going to wait until the week after her birthday.
That will give me plenty of time to think of what I'm going to say.
Maybe.
Unfortunately, no one will be loving THIS bunny tomorrow. It makes me really sad. :(
I Googled "unloved bunny" for an image, and that was the most tragic-looking one I found. Poor bunny. :(
In other news, my mother has a skin cancer lesion on her leg. Squamous cell carcinoma, I think? Which is sucky, but she's damn lucky it's not melanoma. She's seeing the surgeon on Wednesday, and, of course, I have to go home to drive her around when she has the fucker removed. But I won't know until late Wednesday evening when she's going to have it done, and there's the possibility that it'll have to be done that Thursday. *Headdesk*
And she wonders why I don't bake in the sun and in tanning beds like she does. Ok, it's mostly because I don't want to look wrinkly and leathery before my time, but it sounds better if I say it's because I care about not getting skin cancer.
Blech.
I've made a decision about contacting her. I realize that it's completely inadvisable. I also realize it's going to piss her the fuck off because she basically told me to leave her alone. But I'm going to do it, anyway. I'll never be able to rest easy knowing that I didn't apologize for painting her as the villain when, in truth, she really wasn't. Nor will I be able to look at myself in the mirror without getting some things off my conscience and setting the record straight.
Will it result in anything? I sincerely doubt it. I hope, more than anything in the world, I can get her to talk to me, just so I can apologize to her to her face. I want to look her in the eye and say I was wrong. I'd also like her to see me and see that I'm dead serious. Do I expect anything else? No.
I'm not asking for another chance. I'm not asking for anything, other than for the opportunity to give her the apology and explanation that she deserves. I wish we could be friends, but I'm not going to push it. Maybe someday. Other than that, I have no ulterior motives at this point.
However, because I am not a flaming asshole, I'm not going to contact her for another couple of weeks. I know her birthday is next week (Tuesday, I think, but I'm not looking at the calendar at the moment), and I think everybody's entitled to a happy birthday without having to worry about other people's drama. (God knows, I think MY birthday should be a national holiday.) So I'm going to wait until the week after her birthday.
That will give me plenty of time to think of what I'm going to say.
Maybe.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I Should Be Working Or Sleeping....
....But I'm not. I'm writing.
First of all, my leg hurts. I'm so fucking tired of it. My leg hurts, I've got calcium deposits popping up all over my damn face and spider veins all over my legs (yes, this is all relevant to this shit), and I may or may not have a fucking patch of it on my face. :(
I remember when I was 6 or 7 years old, when my parents were hauling me back and forth to Birmingham to specialists, the doctor said, "She's lucky she doesn't have it on her face. That's where a lot of people have it."
Ok, 1.) I didn't exactly feel lucky, 2.) That's kind of a shitty thing to say to someone, and 3.) What if the shit IS on my fucking face now? :(
Also, one of the big reasons I hate Birmingham? Being told at a very young age in that shithole of a town that I'd be deformed for the rest of my life, and, oh, sorry, we can't help you. Best of luck to you.
Sorry, I'm bitter today. I'm just tired of it hurting so much. It hasn't always. :(
Ok, changing to other news now. Chronic, incurable, untreatable disease talk is too depressing.
I've been cooking, making desserts, and (sort of) cleaning while ChaosKitty's been here. It's really satisfying, knowing that I'm making someone happy with even my limited cooking repertoire and completely random system of dessert-making. Yes, I love when people tell me how awesome I am and show their appreciation. Sorry, I love having my ego stroked.
But, at its core, it's more than just that. I love to do things for people that make them happy.
But I'm not submissive. *Eyeroll*
I'm not even going there today. I don't think I have it in me.
I had a lot of ideas of shit to write about, but I can't remember any of them now. But I guess it really doesn't matter. I write this for me, and it's not like anybody but ChaosKitty and Fangbunny read it, anyway, and then only occasionally.
Bed now.
First of all, my leg hurts. I'm so fucking tired of it. My leg hurts, I've got calcium deposits popping up all over my damn face and spider veins all over my legs (yes, this is all relevant to this shit), and I may or may not have a fucking patch of it on my face. :(
I remember when I was 6 or 7 years old, when my parents were hauling me back and forth to Birmingham to specialists, the doctor said, "She's lucky she doesn't have it on her face. That's where a lot of people have it."
Ok, 1.) I didn't exactly feel lucky, 2.) That's kind of a shitty thing to say to someone, and 3.) What if the shit IS on my fucking face now? :(
Also, one of the big reasons I hate Birmingham? Being told at a very young age in that shithole of a town that I'd be deformed for the rest of my life, and, oh, sorry, we can't help you. Best of luck to you.
Sorry, I'm bitter today. I'm just tired of it hurting so much. It hasn't always. :(
Ok, changing to other news now. Chronic, incurable, untreatable disease talk is too depressing.
I've been cooking, making desserts, and (sort of) cleaning while ChaosKitty's been here. It's really satisfying, knowing that I'm making someone happy with even my limited cooking repertoire and completely random system of dessert-making. Yes, I love when people tell me how awesome I am and show their appreciation. Sorry, I love having my ego stroked.
But, at its core, it's more than just that. I love to do things for people that make them happy.
But I'm not submissive. *Eyeroll*
I'm not even going there today. I don't think I have it in me.
I had a lot of ideas of shit to write about, but I can't remember any of them now. But I guess it really doesn't matter. I write this for me, and it's not like anybody but ChaosKitty and Fangbunny read it, anyway, and then only occasionally.
Bed now.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
OMFG
My crazy, cokehead former boss is pregnant by the crazy, cokehead (anybody noticing a pattern here?) clown-wrestler.
And she picked me to tell about it first.
*Headdesk*
....
There is no God.
And she picked me to tell about it first.
*Headdesk*
....
There is no God.
Monday, August 15, 2011
So Weird
So...I have this strange problem. Very strange, actually. It's a little embarrassing in its weirdness.
Ok, here's the thing: I've always had a *really* sensitive gag reflex. Probably because of years and years of post-nasal drip and chronically enlarged tonsils from my goddamn vicious-ass allergies. (I also flip out when I think something is constricting my breathing--whether it actually is or not--for the same reason. Necklaces with too-short chains, shirt collars that are too high and tight, anything on me that makes my face overheat, breath play sex games, etc. Ball gags are a two-for-one deal because they make me gag AND make me convinced I can't breathe.)
Anyway, despite having always had a hypersensitive gag reflex, I am now having even *worse* problems with it. The thought of certain things (usually bodily fluids) make me gag. The texture of certain foods in my mouth does it. And now, to add insult to injury, every time I try to brush my teeth, it nearly makes me vomit. I have some anti-cavity mouthwash that I try to use, but swishing liquid around makes me gag godawfully, too.
This is bad for two reasons. Number one, I am PHOBIC of being unclean in any way. I don' care how dirty my house is, but I will always have clean hair, a clean face, a clean body, clean teeth, and lots of deodorant. Number two, I am on meds that are unfortunately connected with tooth decay. :(
I read online in several different places that Lamictal use has been associated with a hypersensitive gag reflex. Oh, the joys of seizure meds. *Eyeroll*
It didn't start until a couple of months ago, which correlates with when my doctor raised my dosage. So yeah....
Seriously, it's so bad that if I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant. It'd have to be the Second Coming, though, because I haven't had a penis in the appropriate place for baby-making since October or November. Well, that and that whole Bunny not be able to spawn thing.
Yeah, so...incredibly random, inconvenient, and rather embarrassing side effect. Please, Lord, let this one be temporary.
Ok, bed now. I took a sleeping pill to try to get some well-needed and well-deserved sleep tonight. I'm only posting from my Kindle because I thought of it when I was in there gagging spectacularly while trying to floss, brush, and rinse before bed. Night.
Ok, here's the thing: I've always had a *really* sensitive gag reflex. Probably because of years and years of post-nasal drip and chronically enlarged tonsils from my goddamn vicious-ass allergies. (I also flip out when I think something is constricting my breathing--whether it actually is or not--for the same reason. Necklaces with too-short chains, shirt collars that are too high and tight, anything on me that makes my face overheat, breath play sex games, etc. Ball gags are a two-for-one deal because they make me gag AND make me convinced I can't breathe.)
Anyway, despite having always had a hypersensitive gag reflex, I am now having even *worse* problems with it. The thought of certain things (usually bodily fluids) make me gag. The texture of certain foods in my mouth does it. And now, to add insult to injury, every time I try to brush my teeth, it nearly makes me vomit. I have some anti-cavity mouthwash that I try to use, but swishing liquid around makes me gag godawfully, too.
This is bad for two reasons. Number one, I am PHOBIC of being unclean in any way. I don' care how dirty my house is, but I will always have clean hair, a clean face, a clean body, clean teeth, and lots of deodorant. Number two, I am on meds that are unfortunately connected with tooth decay. :(
I read online in several different places that Lamictal use has been associated with a hypersensitive gag reflex. Oh, the joys of seizure meds. *Eyeroll*
It didn't start until a couple of months ago, which correlates with when my doctor raised my dosage. So yeah....
Seriously, it's so bad that if I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant. It'd have to be the Second Coming, though, because I haven't had a penis in the appropriate place for baby-making since October or November. Well, that and that whole Bunny not be able to spawn thing.
Yeah, so...incredibly random, inconvenient, and rather embarrassing side effect. Please, Lord, let this one be temporary.
Ok, bed now. I took a sleeping pill to try to get some well-needed and well-deserved sleep tonight. I'm only posting from my Kindle because I thought of it when I was in there gagging spectacularly while trying to floss, brush, and rinse before bed. Night.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Mmm
Also, I made this yummy chocolate pie yesterday. This is the prettiest, fluffiest meringue I've ever made. AND it stayed fluffy(ish) once it cooled. I consider this a huge accomplishment.
A Good Saturday
Kitty came to get her birthday present today. Sure, it was a week late, but it was the thought that counted, right? I've actually *had* the thing for several weeks, but had no way to get it to her. But, anyway, she came today to get it. That's the moral of the story.
ChaosKitty's still here because both of us are completely broke, so she's stuck here until we get paid again. Not that I'm complaining. It's nice having company. Plus, we both seem to get more stuff done when we're working on it together.
But, anyway, the three of us were all here, and it was pretty great. :)
We didn't do anything special, really. Kitty opened her late birthday present. (I hope she liked it. I tried to pick out something nice that I thought she'd like.) Then, we went to the really good Chinese place in town and got something to eat and came home and hung out until Kitty had to leave. Oh, and Kitty and I colored a picture each out of a couple of my coloring books. That was basically it.
It was nice, though. We all had fun--or, at least, I know I did, and it seemed like the two of them did, too. It was almost like when the three of us lived in the house together. You know, like some of those days I really miss. :(
But, on the other hand, it was really great to have my best friend back. Even for just a little while. I hope, maybe, that the fact that we can still have fun together after all the drama and all the bullshit means that we can someday move past it.
I dunno, though. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.
And--if I can take this thought a little farther--that's really what I wish I could have with the other two. I mean, yes, ideally, I could be in a relationship with the three of them, but I could live with it if that never happened.
I just wish I could have them in my life, some way, somehow, in basically whatever capacity. Friends? That's fine. I could live with that. As long as I could have them near me and know that they'll be there, that's really all I care about. If there was never anymore sex, never anymore touches or kisses or snuggles, never a word ever spoken about how much I love them, that'd be ok.
I just need them...so badly. I'll settle for damn near anything just to have them in my life right now. I wish they knew that; I wish they understood.
But how the hell do you tell someone that?
ChaosKitty's still here because both of us are completely broke, so she's stuck here until we get paid again. Not that I'm complaining. It's nice having company. Plus, we both seem to get more stuff done when we're working on it together.
But, anyway, the three of us were all here, and it was pretty great. :)
We didn't do anything special, really. Kitty opened her late birthday present. (I hope she liked it. I tried to pick out something nice that I thought she'd like.) Then, we went to the really good Chinese place in town and got something to eat and came home and hung out until Kitty had to leave. Oh, and Kitty and I colored a picture each out of a couple of my coloring books. That was basically it.
It was nice, though. We all had fun--or, at least, I know I did, and it seemed like the two of them did, too. It was almost like when the three of us lived in the house together. You know, like some of those days I really miss. :(
But, on the other hand, it was really great to have my best friend back. Even for just a little while. I hope, maybe, that the fact that we can still have fun together after all the drama and all the bullshit means that we can someday move past it.
I dunno, though. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.
And--if I can take this thought a little farther--that's really what I wish I could have with the other two. I mean, yes, ideally, I could be in a relationship with the three of them, but I could live with it if that never happened.
I just wish I could have them in my life, some way, somehow, in basically whatever capacity. Friends? That's fine. I could live with that. As long as I could have them near me and know that they'll be there, that's really all I care about. If there was never anymore sex, never anymore touches or kisses or snuggles, never a word ever spoken about how much I love them, that'd be ok.
I just need them...so badly. I'll settle for damn near anything just to have them in my life right now. I wish they knew that; I wish they understood.
But how the hell do you tell someone that?
Friday, August 12, 2011
Do Your Ears Hang Low?
I feel like shit.
I know I whine all the time, but, honestly, August is almost always the worst month of the year for me. Something awful ALWAYS happens. EVERY. FUCKING. YEAR.
I'm also broke as hell again. I was supposed to get $200 per site for doing that guy's work, but instead I'm only getting $150. It really irritated me because I'd already budgeted for that extra $100 for those two sites I did, and then I ended up not getting it. So now I'm $30 short having enough money to pay my loan this month. *Sigh*
Also, work is slower than shit, so I've gotta dig up enough money for week after next to pay that goddamn speeding ticket. I don't need a warrant out for my arrest.
I think the worst of it all is that I'm not going to get to go to the beach this year. I don't think I can put into words how much this breaks my heart, so I'm not even going to try.
I fear that the old fall crash has returned sooner than usual. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should med tweak, but I don't know what to tweak. This shit always starts out as depression, but then it turns mixed, and I start imagining snipers outside my house again. :( Upping the Wellbutrin would make the depression better, probably, but it'd probably push me up far enough that I'd rapid-cycle between manic and mixed. Upping the Lamictal would keep the mania down, but I'm afraid I'd bottom out. I'm not brave enough to up them both at the same time. So I dunno.
I should care more. I know I should. But my life and everybody and everything fucking sucks, so I really, really can't bring myself to care that much.
I still wish they'd be my friends. But I guess I'm shit out of luck on that front. :(
I know I whine all the time, but, honestly, August is almost always the worst month of the year for me. Something awful ALWAYS happens. EVERY. FUCKING. YEAR.
I'm also broke as hell again. I was supposed to get $200 per site for doing that guy's work, but instead I'm only getting $150. It really irritated me because I'd already budgeted for that extra $100 for those two sites I did, and then I ended up not getting it. So now I'm $30 short having enough money to pay my loan this month. *Sigh*
Also, work is slower than shit, so I've gotta dig up enough money for week after next to pay that goddamn speeding ticket. I don't need a warrant out for my arrest.
I think the worst of it all is that I'm not going to get to go to the beach this year. I don't think I can put into words how much this breaks my heart, so I'm not even going to try.
I fear that the old fall crash has returned sooner than usual. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should med tweak, but I don't know what to tweak. This shit always starts out as depression, but then it turns mixed, and I start imagining snipers outside my house again. :( Upping the Wellbutrin would make the depression better, probably, but it'd probably push me up far enough that I'd rapid-cycle between manic and mixed. Upping the Lamictal would keep the mania down, but I'm afraid I'd bottom out. I'm not brave enough to up them both at the same time. So I dunno.
I should care more. I know I should. But my life and everybody and everything fucking sucks, so I really, really can't bring myself to care that much.
I still wish they'd be my friends. But I guess I'm shit out of luck on that front. :(
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I Couldn't Think Of A Title, Sorry
I'm pretty sure I've been flattened underneath this massive pile of shit I have to do.
I totally Googled "squished bunny" to try to see if I could get a good image for that, but unfortunately, no one has a squished cartoon bunny clip art. :(
I finished a massive project tonight, but I've still got a lot to do. I think as soon as I get this caught up, I'm going to take care of the personal stuff that's been plaguing me.
I'm scared to even try, but they've been haunting my dreams, and I just can't handle it anymore.
*Sigh* One step at a time.
I totally Googled "squished bunny" to try to see if I could get a good image for that, but unfortunately, no one has a squished cartoon bunny clip art. :(
I finished a massive project tonight, but I've still got a lot to do. I think as soon as I get this caught up, I'm going to take care of the personal stuff that's been plaguing me.
I'm scared to even try, but they've been haunting my dreams, and I just can't handle it anymore.
*Sigh* One step at a time.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Owieeeeeee :(
Ugh. I hurt so badly. Stupid fucking period is hitting me so hard this month. And I didn't even have the money to buy any PMS medicine today at Wal-Mart when ChaosKitty and I went to buy groceries. FML. :(
I've begun the migration away from the one job, and you know what? I'm already making money. Imagine that. As long as they don't catch me and fire me before I can leave, I'll be in good shape. I hope to be gone from that shithole within the next month or so.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I am officially a business owner. :D
Besides that, though, I can't say I have a whole shitload of good news. My mother called today and said they took my grandma off the fluids and shit they were pumping her full of. She's awake and responsive now (because I think they may have stopped the morphine). They're supposed to be sending her home on Thursday, I think? So who knows if she'll drink and eat when she gets home or will just waste away?
Even though ChaosKitty is here with me, I'm still incredibly lonely. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything not suck anymore. I'd give anything if I could snuggle down between the people I love and cry because I hurt so much. They'd rub my back and tummy and tell me what a good little girl I am and how much they love me.
I dreamed something similar to that the other night. (Wish fulfillment, anyone?) I was really happy. Should've known THAT could only happen in a dream. :|
Still going to do *something* about all the shit that's on my mind. I just have so much on my plate right now that I don't think I can devote the amount of time I need to devote to deciding what I'm going to do and then implementing it. It seems reasonable to me to wait until I can think it all through.
I miss them. I love them--all of them. No amount of work, drama, or time with friends can change that. :(
I've begun the migration away from the one job, and you know what? I'm already making money. Imagine that. As long as they don't catch me and fire me before I can leave, I'll be in good shape. I hope to be gone from that shithole within the next month or so.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I am officially a business owner. :D
Besides that, though, I can't say I have a whole shitload of good news. My mother called today and said they took my grandma off the fluids and shit they were pumping her full of. She's awake and responsive now (because I think they may have stopped the morphine). They're supposed to be sending her home on Thursday, I think? So who knows if she'll drink and eat when she gets home or will just waste away?
Even though ChaosKitty is here with me, I'm still incredibly lonely. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything not suck anymore. I'd give anything if I could snuggle down between the people I love and cry because I hurt so much. They'd rub my back and tummy and tell me what a good little girl I am and how much they love me.
I dreamed something similar to that the other night. (Wish fulfillment, anyone?) I was really happy. Should've known THAT could only happen in a dream. :|
Still going to do *something* about all the shit that's on my mind. I just have so much on my plate right now that I don't think I can devote the amount of time I need to devote to deciding what I'm going to do and then implementing it. It seems reasonable to me to wait until I can think it all through.
I miss them. I love them--all of them. No amount of work, drama, or time with friends can change that. :(
Monday, August 8, 2011
Most Ghetto Cake Ever
So ChaosKitty is here to visit again, and we decided we wanted a cake. Yes, I know I need a damn cake like I need a(nother) hole in the head. But whatever. So I decided to fix a red velvet cake. Then, I realized I didn't have any red food coloring. So instead we ended up with one blue layer and one green layer. Blue-green-velvet cake?
Fiesta cake: So tacky, it's cute!
Ok, I'm going to bed now. I just wanted to share. Yes, I'll post something more substantial soon. I just started last night, so I hurt like hell, and I'm tired to boot. Adios.
Fiesta cake: So tacky, it's cute!
Ok, I'm going to bed now. I just wanted to share. Yes, I'll post something more substantial soon. I just started last night, so I hurt like hell, and I'm tired to boot. Adios.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Haters Can Make Like Bees With No Stingers And Drop Dead
I had an inquiry about my SEO services today. First one! I'm supposed to talk to the guy tomorrow. It's going to be a HUGE project, and I don't know if I can handle it all by myself. *If* I get the contract, I'm going to have to recruit ChaosKitty to help me.
In other work news, I'm making the leap. I'm changing my best-converting site over to the new biller. If it works, I'll swap all the others over, too. My new "contractors" are going up, too, so it'll be me, ChaosKitty, Fangbunny, T. (the most fabulous designer in the world), and her two friends.
I'm really nervous. If this works, it's going to be the beginning of something that'll make ChaosKitty and I rich women. If not? I'm SO FUCKED because if I get caught, I'll surely be fired. But given the work atmosphere, I feel like I *have* to make this leap. The girls who worked with me before the buyout are all being choked out, and I feel like it's time for us to start scattering like rats off a sinking ship before something more drastic happens.
And, honestly, even if I'm caught and fired, I THINK I have enough alternative income to make it work. But, dear God, I'm scared shitless. If it crashes and burns, boy, oh, boy, I'll probably never work in this industry again because if I get caught, I'll be blacklisted for doing what I'm doing. Plus, even though I don't owe these assholes anything, it still pricks my conscious that I'm not doing this on the up-and-up.
But I guess we all do what we've gotta do, don't we?
On the other hand, though...this is what I've wanted to do for the last three years. I'm tired of bending over for these people to keep fucking me in the ass over and over. I also wanna help other people who've been fucked repeatedly by these assholes.
The narcissist in me even *wants* to be feared and hated to some degree. T. and I were talking today about reporting these asshats to the IRS for treating their ICs like employees, which would surely bankrupt them, and she was like, "Wow, we're really vindictive."
To which I replied, "Yes, yes, we are. I fully admit that I'm a crazy bitch, but I'm the crazy bitch you want to have on your side."
She laughed and said, "'I am a powerful ally.'"
Such a nicer way of saying that, huh?
This song has been my anthem since it came out, but doubly so now.
Ain't no way I'ma let you stop me from causin' mayhem
When I say I'ma do somethin', I do it
I don't give a damn what you think
I'm doin' this for me
So fuck the world
Feed it beans
It's gassed up if it thinks it's stoppin' me
I'ma be what I set out to be
Without a doubt, undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me
I'm tearin' down your balcony
In other work news, I'm making the leap. I'm changing my best-converting site over to the new biller. If it works, I'll swap all the others over, too. My new "contractors" are going up, too, so it'll be me, ChaosKitty, Fangbunny, T. (the most fabulous designer in the world), and her two friends.
I'm really nervous. If this works, it's going to be the beginning of something that'll make ChaosKitty and I rich women. If not? I'm SO FUCKED because if I get caught, I'll surely be fired. But given the work atmosphere, I feel like I *have* to make this leap. The girls who worked with me before the buyout are all being choked out, and I feel like it's time for us to start scattering like rats off a sinking ship before something more drastic happens.
And, honestly, even if I'm caught and fired, I THINK I have enough alternative income to make it work. But, dear God, I'm scared shitless. If it crashes and burns, boy, oh, boy, I'll probably never work in this industry again because if I get caught, I'll be blacklisted for doing what I'm doing. Plus, even though I don't owe these assholes anything, it still pricks my conscious that I'm not doing this on the up-and-up.
But I guess we all do what we've gotta do, don't we?
On the other hand, though...this is what I've wanted to do for the last three years. I'm tired of bending over for these people to keep fucking me in the ass over and over. I also wanna help other people who've been fucked repeatedly by these assholes.
The narcissist in me even *wants* to be feared and hated to some degree. T. and I were talking today about reporting these asshats to the IRS for treating their ICs like employees, which would surely bankrupt them, and she was like, "Wow, we're really vindictive."
To which I replied, "Yes, yes, we are. I fully admit that I'm a crazy bitch, but I'm the crazy bitch you want to have on your side."
She laughed and said, "'I am a powerful ally.'"
Such a nicer way of saying that, huh?
This song has been my anthem since it came out, but doubly so now.
Ain't no way I'ma let you stop me from causin' mayhem
When I say I'ma do somethin', I do it
I don't give a damn what you think
I'm doin' this for me
So fuck the world
Feed it beans
It's gassed up if it thinks it's stoppin' me
I'ma be what I set out to be
Without a doubt, undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me
I'm tearin' down your balcony
Thursday, August 4, 2011
THIS Is Why I Don't Date
This is a screenshot of an actual email exchange from some douchebag on a website. I doctored it up a little, but if you click on the smaller image below, you can see it in all its retarded glory.
And, yes, I totally blocked after this.
And, yes, I totally blocked after this.
Insert Clever Title Here
Ok, so I came home to work, but I didn't get a lot accomplished. I think sleep is in order. The last week or so of not enough sleep has caught up with me. So I'm going to go on to bed in a few minutes and hope that the asshole neighbor doesn't start up her bullshit in the morning or that some other idiot doesn't wake me up.
Talked to Kitty today. It was just about work stuff because I needed someone to advise me on how I should organize my business, but it was nice to talk to her. I really, really missed my best catfriend.
I hope it won't be long before I can confront some things and do some of the stuff I need to do and say some of the stuff I need to say. Life has to calm down just a little first, though.
Talked to Kitty today. It was just about work stuff because I needed someone to advise me on how I should organize my business, but it was nice to talk to her. I really, really missed my best catfriend.
I hope it won't be long before I can confront some things and do some of the stuff I need to do and say some of the stuff I need to say. Life has to calm down just a little first, though.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Big Developments, Y'all
Well, my grandmother made it through the night. Mostly, now they're just standing by. If nothing's changed before too long, I'm going back home. I need to work. I guess I should stay, but I'm a broke-ass motherfucker, and I damn sure can't work here.
I did at least get to pick up another month's worth of prescriptions and get my hair done. Had to get it done here, of course. I was looking forward to seeing S. today, but it just didn't work out. :( But at least I no longer have what was turning into a mullet. I'm also no longer blonde. I asked for dark blonde, but it ended up being more of a light brown. Sort of caramel-colored, only more ash than golden. But that's ok, though. I've got bitch hair now--asymmetrical bob, which, for the time being is laying fairly straight. I may have it lightened a little after it grows some more. Highlights, perhaps. Then, it'll be SUPER bitch hair.
T. messaged me last night on Facebook, saying that she now has written proof (an email) that the management of this dumbass company I work for is telling their dispatchers to take business away from our girls and send them to their girls. I mean, I knew it all along, but the fact that it can now be proven? Yeahhhhh.
T.'s going to make it public, too, which I find HILARIOUS. Why in the name of hell would you send an email saying that? I mean, I figured that was what they were telling the dispatchers, but I thought of it as kind of a gentlemen's agreement, so to speak. What kind of fucking moron puts something like that ON PAPER so that it can be used against them later?
God, do you see what kind of dumbfuck assholes I'm working for?
However...this is going to piss a LOT of people off. I've been making plans to bail for awhile, but I may take this chance to jump off the sinking ship. I think if I took my shit and left, it'd do a dent in their business.
T.'s already told me she'd come to work for me if I'll go ahead and change my billing over AND that she has a couple of friends who'll do the same. So with T., her two friends, Fangbunny, ChaosKitty, and I, we might be able to make this work.
Admittedly, in true narcissistic fashion, I'm going to make sure to drop word to some of my work friends, letting them know what I'm going to do, in hopes of leading the mass exodus out of that shithole.
Yes, Mosaic delusions. Fuck you.
So, as you can see, I'm gonna be busy for awhile. I hope it'll be enough to overcome the inevitable crash I always have in the fall. Probably going to up the Lamictal in a couple of weeks to compensate as well. If I'm going to be running a business--however accidentally I might've fallen into it--where other people are depending on me, I HAVE to be on top of my game. Plus, I fully expect backlash from this company. Not that they can really *do* anything, but they can be a pain in my ass. *I* have to be the one to take responsibility for the people working for me. Unlike B., our old owner, I am NOT going to throw the people who are counting on me to the dogs just because I suddenly don't feel like dealing with it anymore.
I did at least get to pick up another month's worth of prescriptions and get my hair done. Had to get it done here, of course. I was looking forward to seeing S. today, but it just didn't work out. :( But at least I no longer have what was turning into a mullet. I'm also no longer blonde. I asked for dark blonde, but it ended up being more of a light brown. Sort of caramel-colored, only more ash than golden. But that's ok, though. I've got bitch hair now--asymmetrical bob, which, for the time being is laying fairly straight. I may have it lightened a little after it grows some more. Highlights, perhaps. Then, it'll be SUPER bitch hair.
T. messaged me last night on Facebook, saying that she now has written proof (an email) that the management of this dumbass company I work for is telling their dispatchers to take business away from our girls and send them to their girls. I mean, I knew it all along, but the fact that it can now be proven? Yeahhhhh.
T.'s going to make it public, too, which I find HILARIOUS. Why in the name of hell would you send an email saying that? I mean, I figured that was what they were telling the dispatchers, but I thought of it as kind of a gentlemen's agreement, so to speak. What kind of fucking moron puts something like that ON PAPER so that it can be used against them later?
God, do you see what kind of dumbfuck assholes I'm working for?
However...this is going to piss a LOT of people off. I've been making plans to bail for awhile, but I may take this chance to jump off the sinking ship. I think if I took my shit and left, it'd do a dent in their business.
T.'s already told me she'd come to work for me if I'll go ahead and change my billing over AND that she has a couple of friends who'll do the same. So with T., her two friends, Fangbunny, ChaosKitty, and I, we might be able to make this work.
Admittedly, in true narcissistic fashion, I'm going to make sure to drop word to some of my work friends, letting them know what I'm going to do, in hopes of leading the mass exodus out of that shithole.
Yes, Mosaic delusions. Fuck you.
So, as you can see, I'm gonna be busy for awhile. I hope it'll be enough to overcome the inevitable crash I always have in the fall. Probably going to up the Lamictal in a couple of weeks to compensate as well. If I'm going to be running a business--however accidentally I might've fallen into it--where other people are depending on me, I HAVE to be on top of my game. Plus, I fully expect backlash from this company. Not that they can really *do* anything, but they can be a pain in my ass. *I* have to be the one to take responsibility for the people working for me. Unlike B., our old owner, I am NOT going to throw the people who are counting on me to the dogs just because I suddenly don't feel like dealing with it anymore.
It's Just One Of Those Days
I'm at my parents' house currently and will probably be here indefinitely. I stopped by the hospital, but my mother wouldn't let me stay long. She said there was nothing I could do and that I needed to get some rest if at all possible. So here I am.
I'm a terrible, terrible person, and I know this. But as I stood there, looking at the broken body of the dying woman, all I could think was "I hope God has more mercy on your soul than you've ever had on anyone else in your lifetime."
I know I'm horrible. But that was what came to mind. I was, at least, not enough of an asshole to say it out loud.
I feel bad about not feeling bad. And I feel bad for my mother. But other than that? I'm just blank.
I know my grandmother's other daughter is going to have a shit fit that no one called them, but the best advice I have for them is just to stay away. My mother does not need their bullshit on top of everything else.
And nor do I, for that matter.
I'm a terrible, terrible person, and I know this. But as I stood there, looking at the broken body of the dying woman, all I could think was "I hope God has more mercy on your soul than you've ever had on anyone else in your lifetime."
I know I'm horrible. But that was what came to mind. I was, at least, not enough of an asshole to say it out loud.
I feel bad about not feeling bad. And I feel bad for my mother. But other than that? I'm just blank.
I know my grandmother's other daughter is going to have a shit fit that no one called them, but the best advice I have for them is just to stay away. My mother does not need their bullshit on top of everything else.
And nor do I, for that matter.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Well, FUCK
My mother just called. In tears. Apparently, they don't think my grandma's going to make it through the night, so now I've got to drop everything and go down there.
Fuck me. This is going to suck so fucking bad.
I'm sure no one but Fangbunny and ChaosKitty give a shit, but the arrangements will be in the A/C paper if anyone is interested.
Fuck me. This is going to suck so fucking bad.
I'm sure no one but Fangbunny and ChaosKitty give a shit, but the arrangements will be in the A/C paper if anyone is interested.
Another Letter I Won't Send
Dear Y,
I was really excited for a minute to see I had an email from you today. I was hoping you'd finally decided that you wanted to talk or see how I was or just anything, really. Maybe you'd even decided that you were going to come visit like I'd asked you to last month.
Imagine my disappointment when I opened it, and it was an message asking for money on the cable bill.
I don't even know what to say.
~Bunny
I was really excited for a minute to see I had an email from you today. I was hoping you'd finally decided that you wanted to talk or see how I was or just anything, really. Maybe you'd even decided that you were going to come visit like I'd asked you to last month.
Imagine my disappointment when I opened it, and it was an message asking for money on the cable bill.
I don't even know what to say.
~Bunny
Coming Up For Air For A Minute
Between work, cleaning the house with K.--who is now henceforth to be known as "ChaosKitty" because I'm tired of just calling her K.--and dealing with various other drama, I haven't had time to post much. LOTS of work. I might've bought *ahem* five more sites on Saturday, so I've given MYSELF a ton of work, and I'm now getting some paid work, too! *Happy dance*
ChaosKitty and I have been killing it on the housecleaning, too. I can actually see the floor in my bedroom again, and most of my now-clean clothes have been put up. I'm finally getting to put the new stuff on my bed that I got for my birthday...in November.
See, I didn't wanna put nice new shit on my bed in the middle of a room that perpetually looked as if a hurricane had come through it. Lipstick on a pig, etc., etc. But now that it's mostly clean (and will be totally clean within the next few days), I think it's going to be super-cute! I opened everything to wash it today because if I don't, I wake up all broken out in hives. (Yes, I learned this the hard way several years ago.) Anyway, when I opened the stuff, I realized two fantastic things: 1.) The sheets are microfiber, like the one set of purple ones I love more than life and have been using exclusively since I got them, and 2.) The comforter is sort of satiny!
:heart:
Anyway, my house is going to be *perfect* in a few days, and I'm going to force myself to keep it that way, so I won't be ashamed to have company over, LOL. Of course, the only company I have nowadays is ChaosKitty, since Fangbunny went north, but maybe I'll make some friends one day....Or not.
In other news, work is going well. I finally bought some sites for our "company," and I've been sorta working on those. As soon as they start bringing in enough money to make it feasible, Fangbunny, ChaosKitty, and I are all bailing on our current company. I'm going to continue the freelance writing and the SEO shiznit on the side and continue working for T. because she is the most amazing boss EVAR, and she gives me free rein to do whatever the fuck I want AND pays me more than everyone else for it, LOL. But I'm hoping within the year that I'll be making more money with my OWN businesses than with everyone else's. *More happy dance*
In more somber news, my mother's been keeping me posted on my grandma. The prognosis goes from bad to slightly better to worse and back again. Yesterday, there was a 50/50 chance she was going to make it, supposedly. Then, this morning, they were talking about a feeding tube. Then, this evening, they've started her on a constant morphine drip because it's the "humane" thing to do.
So I'm figuring it's not going to be long now. In my experience, the morphine hurries the end along because of the respiratory depression, etc. But, honestly, I think it's better that way. I expect to have to go home within the next week or two.
I sorta feel bad that I don't feel bad about it. I mean, I'm sorry in that abstract sort of way that you feel sorry when you hear of the loss of any human life. But other than that? I'm blank. I guess that's bad, but it's honest.
I don't really believe in lying about my feelings, you know? Even if it would make someone else feel better for me to do so. I once tried to convince myself I was in love with a man I wasn't in love with. I told him I loved him. I tried to act like I loved him. I might've even fooled myself into believing it for a second. Probably not, but maybe. And I felt horrible inside and hated myself every minute that I kept up the charade.
So I don't do that shit anymore.
So, yeah, probably going to have to go home for a funeral soon. I dread it. ChaosKitty said she'd come with me. She'll probably be the only one who'll show up *just* for me. Call me selfish, but that's always one of the saddest things to me about funerals and visitation at funeral homes. Other people have friends show up in solidarity for them, even if they didn't know the deceased. Me? I just stand around awkwardly and follow my mother's every step because a.) I know NO ONE is there for me, and b.) having that many people crushed in near me makes me incredibly anxious, and I end up having claw marks on my neck because I've convinced myself that I can't breathe because of the crowd closing in.
Ugh. I dread the shit out of this. I've also been combing my closets trying to find nice and sedate-looking dresses (read: not ho dresses) that still fit me to wear to both funeral home and funeral. I'm trying to decide if it's tacky to wear the dress I wore to my cousin's wedding to my grandmother's funeral. ChaosKitty and Fangbunny say no, since it's a darker purple color and is pretty simple-looking. I tend to agree with them. As long as no one remembers it's the same dress, I should be fine.
Also, ChaosKitty and I are going to B'ham on Wednesday to get our hair done by my friend S., who is in cosmetology school at Virginia College. She works in the student salon on Wednesday evenings, so I'm going to have her shape my hair up and do something nice with the color. I'm thinking a dark ash blonde, maybe? I don't know yet, though.
Ok, going to put the new stuff on my bed and probably have a snack and then go lay down in my nice, newly pimped-out bed. Also? New Disney Princess night light. Just sayin'.
ChaosKitty and I have been killing it on the housecleaning, too. I can actually see the floor in my bedroom again, and most of my now-clean clothes have been put up. I'm finally getting to put the new stuff on my bed that I got for my birthday...in November.
See, I didn't wanna put nice new shit on my bed in the middle of a room that perpetually looked as if a hurricane had come through it. Lipstick on a pig, etc., etc. But now that it's mostly clean (and will be totally clean within the next few days), I think it's going to be super-cute! I opened everything to wash it today because if I don't, I wake up all broken out in hives. (Yes, I learned this the hard way several years ago.) Anyway, when I opened the stuff, I realized two fantastic things: 1.) The sheets are microfiber, like the one set of purple ones I love more than life and have been using exclusively since I got them, and 2.) The comforter is sort of satiny!
:heart:
Anyway, my house is going to be *perfect* in a few days, and I'm going to force myself to keep it that way, so I won't be ashamed to have company over, LOL. Of course, the only company I have nowadays is ChaosKitty, since Fangbunny went north, but maybe I'll make some friends one day....Or not.
In other news, work is going well. I finally bought some sites for our "company," and I've been sorta working on those. As soon as they start bringing in enough money to make it feasible, Fangbunny, ChaosKitty, and I are all bailing on our current company. I'm going to continue the freelance writing and the SEO shiznit on the side and continue working for T. because she is the most amazing boss EVAR, and she gives me free rein to do whatever the fuck I want AND pays me more than everyone else for it, LOL. But I'm hoping within the year that I'll be making more money with my OWN businesses than with everyone else's. *More happy dance*
In more somber news, my mother's been keeping me posted on my grandma. The prognosis goes from bad to slightly better to worse and back again. Yesterday, there was a 50/50 chance she was going to make it, supposedly. Then, this morning, they were talking about a feeding tube. Then, this evening, they've started her on a constant morphine drip because it's the "humane" thing to do.
So I'm figuring it's not going to be long now. In my experience, the morphine hurries the end along because of the respiratory depression, etc. But, honestly, I think it's better that way. I expect to have to go home within the next week or two.
I sorta feel bad that I don't feel bad about it. I mean, I'm sorry in that abstract sort of way that you feel sorry when you hear of the loss of any human life. But other than that? I'm blank. I guess that's bad, but it's honest.
I don't really believe in lying about my feelings, you know? Even if it would make someone else feel better for me to do so. I once tried to convince myself I was in love with a man I wasn't in love with. I told him I loved him. I tried to act like I loved him. I might've even fooled myself into believing it for a second. Probably not, but maybe. And I felt horrible inside and hated myself every minute that I kept up the charade.
So I don't do that shit anymore.
So, yeah, probably going to have to go home for a funeral soon. I dread it. ChaosKitty said she'd come with me. She'll probably be the only one who'll show up *just* for me. Call me selfish, but that's always one of the saddest things to me about funerals and visitation at funeral homes. Other people have friends show up in solidarity for them, even if they didn't know the deceased. Me? I just stand around awkwardly and follow my mother's every step because a.) I know NO ONE is there for me, and b.) having that many people crushed in near me makes me incredibly anxious, and I end up having claw marks on my neck because I've convinced myself that I can't breathe because of the crowd closing in.
Ugh. I dread the shit out of this. I've also been combing my closets trying to find nice and sedate-looking dresses (read: not ho dresses) that still fit me to wear to both funeral home and funeral. I'm trying to decide if it's tacky to wear the dress I wore to my cousin's wedding to my grandmother's funeral. ChaosKitty and Fangbunny say no, since it's a darker purple color and is pretty simple-looking. I tend to agree with them. As long as no one remembers it's the same dress, I should be fine.
Also, ChaosKitty and I are going to B'ham on Wednesday to get our hair done by my friend S., who is in cosmetology school at Virginia College. She works in the student salon on Wednesday evenings, so I'm going to have her shape my hair up and do something nice with the color. I'm thinking a dark ash blonde, maybe? I don't know yet, though.
Ok, going to put the new stuff on my bed and probably have a snack and then go lay down in my nice, newly pimped-out bed. Also? New Disney Princess night light. Just sayin'.
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