Hola. Me llamo Bunny.
And that's about the extent of my command of the Spanglish language, ladies and gentlemen.
Anyway, I'm Bunny. I'm 27 years old. I have degrees in psychology and English, and I'm a freelance writer and marketer. All things considered, it shouldn't really be surprising that I decided to make a blog about being crazy, huh?
As I state in my profile over there to the right, I'm writing this blog for several reasons. First and foremost, it's to help myself sort out the problems I'm having by charting my mood, contributing factors to my mood, and my thoughts and feelings about particular things. The second reason is to help the people I care about realize what's going on in my head and hopefully learn not to take my psychodrama personally. Thirdly, I hope that if anyone else finds this blog, they'll find it useful, too. If I can help other people with mental illness and people who love those with mental illness, that would make me very happy indeed.
I've been diagnosed with Bipolar I and Social Anxiety Disorder. The social phobia diagnosis is older than the bipolar diagnosis, and given the fact that the bipolar medications seem to have helped considerably with my social phobia, I'm inclined to think that it's simply an outgrowth of the bipolar. I also suspect that I probably have more issues than just those things, but that speculation can wait 'til later.
Currently, I'm on 150 mgs. of generic Wellbutrin XL for the black, black depressions that I sometimes fall into. Despite the fact that Wellbutrin supposedly causes anxiety, it's helped my social anxiety problem immensely. There's research out there that says it's good for social phobia, but not for other anxiety problems; I'm just too lazy to dig it up. I've been on the Wellbutrin long enough that I don't really have any side effect issues, except the occasional fine tremor. They can take my Wellbutrin when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
I'm also on 100 mgs. of generic Lamictal as a mood stabilizer and neurological protector of sorts. (When I read that each time someone with bipolar cycles up or down, a part of their brain is destroyed, I knew I had to do *something*. Luckily, there's data out there that says anticonvulsants protect your brain against further damage and can possibly regrow damaged portions of gray matter.) It's generally accepted that Lamictal is better for bipolar depression than bipolar mania, but it's kept me on a fairly even keel since I got up to the 100 mg. dose. The Lamictal messes with my ability to speak and write correctly. I get tongue-tied a lot and often can't come up with the right words, and I forget what I was saying mid-sentence pretty regularly, too. I have issues using the correct words and spelling properly when I write as well, so if I screw up in the writing of this blog, forgive me. I'm not as enamored with Lamictal as I am with Wellbutrin, but it seems to be working, so I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
I once thought I was rapid-cycling, but now that I'm stable, I realize my episodes last a lot longer than I believed in the past. I'm pretty sure I had a manic episode that lasted from sometime in the spring of 2010 until late January 2011. Well, it was mania until September 2010, when it turned into the ugliest mixed episode I ever experienced, which is what ultimately led to me seeking treatment in November 2010.
I was given Wellbutrin, which tipped me over into the first and only euphoric mania I've ever had. I rode it until it turned ugly and went back to the doctor in December 2010. I was slapped with the bipolar diagnosis and given the Lamictal then. More problems ensued until I hit the 100 mg. dosage, but it finally put a stop to the nearly year-long manic/mixed episode in January.
My roommate and I have decided that the long manic and mixed spells tend to make people think that it's actually my personality. So instead of other people thinking that certain things about me are a result of my illness, they tend to think I'm just an asshole. >.<
Because I'm self-employed, I don't have insurance, so I have neither psychiatrist nor therapist. My family doctor is the one who prescribes my meds.
For awhile, I believed that my medication would solve all my problems, but now I realize that that's not the case. I know I need therapy, but I don't have the money for it. I've dealt with the sliding-scale county mental health agency before, and I want no part of them again. I'm going to try to save money to attend some sessions with actual therapists, but in the interim, I spent my last $10 on a DBT workbook for my Kindle. (DBT was originally meant to treat Borderline Personality Disorder, but they've found that it has efficacy for other diseases as well. Besides, most people think borderline is a disease that sits on the bipolar spectrum, and I'm not entirely sure I don't have at least some borderline issues myself. So I think this will help.) I've already read it, but now I intend to work through it slowly. Part of the reason I opened this blog is to have a place where I can do the DBT exercises that I can easily access later when I'm in crisis mode and need to calm down.
Anyway, I've prattled on enough now. If you're at all interested at this point, I invite you on a journey down the rabbit hole with me. The trip may be a lot of things, but boring ain't one of 'em.
I'm Not Crazy; I'm Just A Little Unwell
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