Meds: Shit, I haven't taken them yet...one second...ok, about 12:30 pm
Sleep: 10 glorious hours
Other: Finally got some real sleep. It might've involved Benadryl. Got paid for some blogs I wrote last week. Got a Valentine's card from my mother with a ballet-dancing bear with a tutu and toe shoes on the front and a $50 bill inside yesterday. Went walking yesterday with roomie, who will henceforth be known as Fangbunny because I'm tired of just calling her roomie, and I imagine she will factor into this blog fairly regularly. Hope we'll walk again today, too, but I've gotta find some shoes that don't make my feet hurt to walk in them. Fangbunny got some really bad news yesterday, which made me feel really bad for her and totally useless because there was really nothing I can do. Hoping she feels at least a little better when she gets up. If she's agreeable, I think I'm going to take her to Golden Corral when she gets up. I'm craving it, and I know she likes it, too. Still not entirely sure if things are cool with Kitty, but I'm going to act as if they are until further notice. Still nothing from him, naturally.
Ok, as promised, I'm going to start going through some of the exercises in the workbook. I'm actually going to cram several of them into this post, otherwise it'll take forever to get to the important parts.
I'm going to do the exercises and possibly comment on some of them. If there's anyone who's reading besides Fangbunny, you don't have to actually read this shit unless you want to. It's more for my own personal edification than anything.
First thing is the Mood Disorder Questionnaire. This is actually the same one my doctor had me fill out and answer when I went to see her. Yay for the earning of a diagnosis! *Eyeroll*
Sorry it's not any bigger. It's small in the Kindle, too. You may be able to click on it to make it more readable. My answers are in blue to make it at least a little more readable.
Anyway, in order to be diagnosed, you have to answer "yes" to 7 of the 13 in the first section. As you may notice, I answered "yes" to 12 of the 13. My doctor took one look at the sheet and said, "Oh, yes, we have a problem." You also have to answer "yes" to question 2 and indicate either a moderate problem or a serious problem in question 3. As you can see, I did all these things. I think the one the doctor gave me also asked about immediate family members being diagnosed with a mental illness, too, but it was just to see if there could possibly be a genetic link or not.
****Crazies, please note. This questionnaire isn't the be-all and end-all of diagnosis. My doctor was convinced just from what I told her before I took it that I was bipolar. She just had me fill it out as a formality. For God's sake, don't diagnose yourself from this. Go to the damn doctor if you're worried.****
There's not much to say about this. I'm crazy. The end.
So moving right along to the next one. There's a section in the beginning of the workbook that discusses depression. This is the depression checklist, which looks wonky because you can't copy and paste; you have to screenshot and work with it as an image. Part of it was on one page and part was on another, so I had to mash it up as best I could. Sorry 'bout that.
Not a lot to say about this one, either. I don't have all these symptoms every time I'm depressed, but it does say to check all that you've *ever* had. So. Yeah. Depressive symptoms. Those are the ones I've experienced at various times in the past.
Next in the book comes a section on mania. This is the mania checklist, which I imagine is going to look just as wonky as the depression one. Again, sorry about that.
Those are the manic symptoms I've experienced in the past. Unlike the depressive ones, most of those tend to occur together, depending on the severity of the episode. It should also be noted that I've only had one euphoric mania ever, and that was drug-induced when I started the Wellbutrin. All the others have been the scary, ugly kinds of mania.
Even though there's not a worksheet for it, there are sections on both mixed episodes and psychosis. Since I've experienced both these things, I should at least comment on them.
Mixed episodes: Where you've got depressive and manic symptoms at the same time. Scariest thing ever. The last one I had, which started in October 2010, is what prompted me to get help. I felt like shit, hated myself, was convinced the rest of the world hated me, too. But instead of just lying around and being in a funk, I was full of nervous, restless energy. I was always on the verge of panic and hysteria. My sleep schedule was all over the place, which made it worse. I couldn't work, and my emotions changed at the drop of a hat. The rage, which is ever-present, anyway, was awful. I was preoccupied and obsessive and had delusions (which I'll talk about in the psychosis section in a minute).
The worst part was the conviction that the world would be a better place without me. My thoughts were racing and often seemed like they were hijacked by someone who wasn't me. I started being afraid to drive because I kept feeling compelled to drive into a tree or into oncoming traffic. Kept looking up how many of "X" drugs it would take to OD without really realizing what I was doing. At the end, I finally got scared to stay by myself because I wasn't sure what I'd do while I was out of my mind.
Psychosis: Yes, please. I don't hallucinate, and I thank God for small favors there. But delusions? Yes. Only when I'm in the midst of an episode, though. When I feel "normal," I don't have them. In the mixed state I mentioned in the previous two paragraphs, I was consumed with paranoid delusions. It was more than just the general "someone's out to get me" feeling that most people think of when they think of paranoia.
I have a rather suspicious nature under the best of circumstances. I've been fucked over left and right my whole life, and people have to prove to me that I can trust them. I think of it as a healthy distrust of people when I'm feeling ok. My crazy hijacks my normal suspicion of humanity when I'm in an episode, though, and it runs with it.
In my last episode, I was convinced that everyone hated me. I thought everyone but Fangbunny and my friend/old roommate K. were all involved in a vast conspiracy to make me look like a fool and fuck me up in the worst ways they possibly could. Why Fangbunny and K. were exempt from this, I have no idea.
I couldn't sleep at night because I was afraid someone was going to break in my house. Both doors were locked and latched, and all the windows were locked. This is not a bad neighborhood. But despite that, I was afraid someone would come in and probably try to kill me in my bed. So I would wait up until daylight before I'd sleep because, for some reason, I thought nobody would bother me during the day. If I was so sleepy that I couldn't stay up til daylight, I would turn the lamp on beside my bed and go to sleep. There were two reasons for this. 1.) So anyone outside the house who might want to come in would see that there was a light on and think whoever was inside was still awake, and thus be discouraged from bothering. 2.) So that if someone *did* come into my bedroom, I'd at least be able to see them.
I should also mention that I have some weird hobbies. One of those is reading about conspiracy theories. Most of the time, I just find them amusing. There are some that I at least somewhat buy into, though they're usually the milder ones that have been found to be at least partially true.
While I was nuts this last time, I was reading about all these conspiracy theories again, mostly on Wikipedia. I got afraid to be alone in my house because I was convinced someone was monitoring my computer usage and might try to "get rid" of me because I put it all together and now "knew" too much. (Yes, because we all know that Wiki publishes state secrets. *Eyeroll*)
I'm really ashamed to admit this, but I was afraid that there might be snipers outside my apartment, waiting for the right time to assassinate me. (Notice that it would've been an assassination in my mind instead of a murder because I was obviously THAT important.) If I heard anything outside, I'd lay down on my bed, so no one outside could see my outline in the window. Half the time, I'd walk crouched over to the bathroom and the kitchen for the same reason.
Now, in my defense, the remaining rational part of me kept saying, "This is the stupidest thing ever." The crazy argued back, though, and said it was possible. I argued with myself over it constantly, and it was exhausting. I guess the only good thing about that is that even in the grips of some of the worst psychotic episodes, my mind is still there enough to tell myself I'm being a dumbass.
Also, let me make it clear that ALL those delusions are gone now. Fangbunny moving in helped a lot. Then, three days after I hit the 100 mg. dose of Lamictal (you have to go up slowly; it took about a month, and that was me rushing it along), the racing thoughts came to a screeching halt. There hasn't been anything even remotely resembling a delusion since early January. That's because I'm not cycling anymore. That alone is enough to make the stupid cognitive problems that Lamictal causes worth it.
Ok, I swear, I'm about to end this. I'm just trying to get through all the preliminary stuff at once, so that I can get to the useful things. There are some questions about various things that have already been covered in the mania and depression sections, so I think I'll skip those. There's a life chart, but I don't remember enough about when I cycle up and down throughout my life to do that, and I don't think it's really that relevant, anyway. There's also a mood chart, but I'm doing my own version of that at the beginning of my daily posts, anyhow, so I'll skip that, too. I'm going to copy some of the other questions to get through the first chapter. Not much longer, I promise.
Self-Examination
~Has your performance at school or work suffered recently? Yes
~Are you having trouble with concentration or memory, which may be impacting your work? At the moment, no, but in the past, yes.
~Has your behavior caused problems in your relationships at school or work recently or in the past? Not really.
~Have you lost jobs or been kicked out of school because of these behaviors? Kicked out, no. Had to withdraw, yes.
Relationships
~What symptoms have you experienced that have been problematic and have led to relationships ending or being damaged? Rage. Paranoia. Rage. Irritability. Rage. Anxiety/panic. Rage. Racing thoughts (when communicated). Have I mentioned rage?
~Have you lost relationships because of how you behaved? Yes.
~Do you communicate with the people you care about? I try to, but I don't do it well.
~Do you have a tendency to push those people away? Yes.
~Do you have healthy relationships in your life? No. (Not counting friends.)
~Are you satisfied with the quality of relationships in your life? No.
Substance Abuse
(There's a whole thing here about whether you use alcohol/drugs to cope with your illness or whether your alcohol/drug use is a symptom of your illness. Then, there are questions that determine which it is.)
Substance Use As Coping Mechanism
~Do you drink or use drugs to help yourself feel less depressed? Yes. Alcohol only, though.
~To help with problems sleeping? Rarely.
~In an attempt to calm yourself down? Yes.
~To try to slow your thoughts so you can think more clearly? Yes.
~Because you're having difficulties in relationships and the substances help you feel better about the problems and yourself? Yes.
Substance Use As A Symptom Of Illness
~Do you tend to have the urge to use drugs or alcohol more often when you're in a manic episode? No. I do it occasionally, but I mostly do it when depressed or mixed.
~Are you using drugs or alcohol because you want to live on the edge or have more excitement in your life? Ew. No.
~Are you drinking or using drugs because life seems dull and you're trying to spice it up? God, no. My life is never dull.
~Are you drinking or using drugs because you want to hold on to the euphoric feelings that often accompany a manic episode? No. Also, I don't have euphoric manias.
My answers to these questions clearly indicate that my periodic binge-drinking is a coping mechanism, rather than a symptom of my illness. Of course, I already knew that and talked about it in an earlier post. But there it is.
Ok, I think that wraps it up. Thank GOD. That was LONG. Fangbunny's up now, so I'm about to hop in the shower, so we can go eat. I may update later today, but I may not post anything else until tomorrow. No idea.
If you've read this post in its entirety, you absolutely deserve a gold star. So here you go. ****
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