On Alcohol

Mood: 0, about as level as I'll ever be

Meds: Around 10 am

Sleep: 7ish hours, approx. 2 am-9 am, had to wake up to see if my check had deposited, so I could pay the phone bill, so it wouldn't be turned off *eyeroll*

Other: Headache. Got my check today and paid my phone bill, so that's a worry off my shoulders. Nothing from the boy, but not surprised about that. Kitty (best friend/a whole host of other things) still not really saying much to me. No idea what I've done wrong with either of those two. Valentine's Day. Not sure if this makes me happy or sad. Love the holiday itself, but since all my relationships are up in the air, I have no one to share it with. Woke up with this song stuck inexplicably in my head. If I get sleepy before roomie wakes up, I may go nap for a couple hours. It's warm enough to go for a walk again today, like we did yesterday.


Today's post is about drinking. I should go ahead and say, first and foremost, that alcohol is my only vice as far as controlled substances go.

I make alcoholic jokes all the time, but I'm not. I never have been. I'll go months without drinking anything at all. Or I'll only have a drink or two occasionally with friends. I don't *need* to drink, so I'm fairly sure that exempts me from alcoholic status.

But--and you knew there was a "but"--I do tend to use it as my crutch when I get overwhelmed. My life is normally screwed up, but when it gets beyond my ability to deal with it (only happens maybe 3-4 times a year), I reach for the bottle.

Rum is usually my poison of choice. It's got all the lovely benefits of clear liquor, and it doesn't make me batshit the way vodka does. Whiskey is usually my other poison, but it doesn't get me drunk. It just makes me boneless until I fall asleep. I don't care for tequila or gin, and if you want to get drunk, there's no sense in wasting your time on beer (which I don't like, anyway), wine (most of which I don't like), wine coolers (most of which are too sweet for my tastes), or those sweet, girly dessert liqueurs. So rum it is.

I had one of those days on Friday. I woke up feeling like shit to start with, then I had one thing after another thrown at me until I was curled up in a ball, sobbing on the couch. My roommate took pity on me and dragged me out to eat with her last little bit of money. Then, we came home and drank. A lot.

See, the thing about my using alcohol as a crutch is not that I drink. If I were just having a drink or two to unwind, it wouldn't matter. No, when I feel that badly, the goal is to get completely drunk as fast as possible and sustain it until such time as I stumble into bed and fall asleep.

Even being drunk occasionally isn't bad. Nor is the number of times a year that I do it bad. (I was drunk far more often in college, but wasn't everyone?) The only real problem is that binge-drinking is my desperate attempt to make my life not suck, and, as we all know, it doesn't actually work.

I made the disheartening discovery Friday night that the only time I really like myself is when I'm drunk. It's not just because I forget my problems, either. It's not that they actually go away. It's just that when I can shut up that "you'll never be good enough for anybody or anything" voice, they don't seem like they're that big of a deal. I'm happy, uninhibited (which I never am sober), and generally at peace with the world.

After waking up feeling like shit on Saturday and remembering Friday night's little revelation, I realized I have to do something. I don't WANT to only like myself drunk. I want to like myself ALL the time. That was part of the reason I decided to start this blog, to try to help myself along with that lofty goal.

So for now, the bottle is staying far away from me. The fact that roomie and I killed most of the rum Friday night just makes it that much easier. I'm not supposed to drink on the Lamictal, anyway.

Learning to like myself sober is probably going to be the hardest thing in the world. But I feel like if I don't learn how to do it, all this other stuff I'm trying to do will be for naught.

I may post something again later today, an exercise from my DBT workbook or something. For now, though, I'm signing off. Adios.