The Good And The Bad

Mood: (Scale of 10 to -10, 0 being perfectly level) -2ish, down, but not to the point that it impairs my ability to function

Meds: Took around 11:30 am

Sleep: 7 or so hours; rudely interrupted by the neighbors around 10 am

Other: Kinda dehydrated. Tired. Still broke because my boss didn't pay me on time *again*. Grand total of 4 cents in the bank. Man I love still not speaking to me, and I still don't know why. Best friend still only giving me one-word responses when I try to talk to her. Still shocked that great-uncle has brain cancer, though he is doing better after the surgery to remove the tumor. My mother brought me my Valentine's Gift today, which was sweet. Also, Cee-Lo Green's performance on the Grammys was amazing, as was the Eminem and Dre performance, though I'm annoyed that Arcade Fire beat out Em for Album of the Year. Who the fuck is Arcade Fire, anyway?

I think I'm going to do the above rambling every day, even if I don't say anything else. It'll probably help me chart my mood.

Because I'm so exhausted, I don't think I'm capable of a fully thought-out blog post. So instead, I'm going to do a list of my good points and bad points and use it as a reference later to see if I've improved any. Then, I'll be taking my ass to bed.

The Good

~When I compare myself to other people who have my disorder to the extent that I have it (two words: paranoid delusions), I realize I'm far better off than most of them. Never been arrested, never gone bankrupt, never been married/divorced/pregnant, never been on government assistance, never been hospitalized for psychiatric problems, never been in any physical altercations, never attempted suicide, never self-injured, etc., etc., etc. Even though my life has always kinda been a mess, I've done pretty well for myself.

~My level of self-control is amazing. With all the shit that I have wrong with me mentally (and my crazy environment), I have basically held it together for 27 years without medication. That's some serious willpower.

~I'm loyal to those I care about, no matter what.

~The depths of my love for people is amazing and unconditional.

~I'm smart, not unattractive, and funny, at least to me.

~I'm passionate and never do things halfway, ever.


The Bad

~I'm crazy.

~I'm full of rage that simmers right beneath the surface and never really goes away.

~I'm hypersensitive about things.

~Because I'm crazy, full of rage, and hypersensitive, I fly into explosive rages pretty regularly, and I tend to take it out on the people I love the most.

~I have abandonment issues, commitment issues, never-feeling-good-enough issues, and an inability to set limits and boundaries.


Those are the only things I can think of off the top of my head, but I'm sure there are more. I intend to explore it more in-depth later, but I'm about to pass out currently. Luckily, at the bottom of the rabbit hole, there's a hutch waiting for me to crawl into. Night, all.