On Sadism And Masochism

Mood: 0...just kinda meh

Meds: A little after noon

Sleep: 8 or so hours

Other: Not much else to say. Gotta work all weekend. I'm kind of tired of having to work harder and harder to keep making the same amount of money. No, I'm not going to go get a "real" job. I hate when people say that. My job pays real money, doesn't it? So that makes it "real." I think I'll do some research on new SEO stuff. My house needs cleaning so bad, but I feel like if I'm up, I need to be working on work stuff. I need a break from reality, I think. I'm supposed to go to New York with Fangbunny in March, but I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. :( Gotta come up with the money to pay taxes somehow. Nothing from him. My friend L. is moving to Huntsville from all indications, so it's just gonna be Fangbunny and me in this town now. It's not that I dislike where I am; it's just kinda lonely. Sorry I'm kind of a downer. There's just not a lot going on right this second.


I doubt anyone other than possibly Fangbunny and Kitty reads this blog, but I'm going to put this disclaimer out there. If you're offended, disgusted, or otherwise annoyed by discussion of BDSM, then you'd probably better sit this one out. I'm not going to go into extreme TMI detail of my sex life or anything, but it *will* be an in-depth look at the thought processes behind it. Well, at MY thought processes, anyway. I don't presume to speak for every pervert out there.

As you've probably figured out by now, I've been kinked to the point of fucked-up-ness for as long as I can remember. I've only been acting on it with other people for 7 or 8 years now. In some ways, yes, it's a coping mechanism for all the other shit in my life, but mostly, I consider it as much of a sexual orientation as being bisexual and having a problem with monogamy.

There are aspects of it that I'm still trying to figure out, but I've pretty much got the sadomasochism parts down. So that's what I'll be talking about today.

The masochistic aspects of me are pretty clear-cut. I'm both physically and emotionally masochistic. When I can indulge these parts of me in healthy ways, things work out fine. When I'm denied the ability to do so, I WILL seek out whatever ways possible to get it, and those ways tend to be self-destructive.

It's a double-edged sword. In some ways, indulging my masochistic side serves as a form of release for negative emotions. It's as if making the outside hurt as much as the inside does gets rid of all the inner turmoil through osmosis or some shit. On the other hand, I do a lot of ridiculous things--like lashing out at people--to get the urge satisfied when I can't get it any other way.

The sadistic part of me is a little more complicated. I've decided it really isn't sadism at all. I should probably point out that I tend to be fairly empathic. Not in the woo-woo "I'm psychic" sense, just in the "I'm sensitive to social cues" way. So I've kind of decided that my sadism is actually more masochism by proxy. Which is yet another aspect in my lashing out at people.

I'm working on these things, but it's incredibly hard to change ingrained behaviors. I'm honestly craving a maso fix right now, and I'm having to wrestle with the urge to get it in an unhealthy way. Right now, I've got a handle on it, though.

To be honest, I still have a lot of hang-ups even revolving around this part of my sexuality. I hope that one day I'll be able to work through those, too.

Ok, going to Pizza Hut with Fangbunny. I'm starving, and we need to hurry up and get back here to work tonight. Bye-bye.