Ok, I'm going to try to write down all the shiznit that's on my mind, but I'm not sure I'll be able to get it all at once, simply because there's so damn much of it.
When I went to my grandmother's funeral, I cried a lot. I'm still not really sure why. Was it because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do? Do I still have unresolved issues? Am I just nuttier than a fruitcake? I expect that the answer to all those questions is "Yes."
There are lots of bad memories connected with the church where her funeral was held, for one thing. I was twitchy the whole time I was there, like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. That was part of it, I'm sure, that uneasy feeling. Then, I know that part of me was mourning the fact that I was never good enough for the old woman. And, I suppose, I was mourning the grandmother she could've been. And, as crazy as it sounds, I guess I grieved over the fact that despite how fucked up she was--how fucked up all of us are--she was still gone.
I got a thank you card in the mail today from my mother (God knows why). On the inside, it said, among other things, "Up until the last few weeks, she always asked me about you. She may have had a strange way of showing it, but she did love you." I had to go hide and cry when I read it.
Story of my life. I am only worthy of being loved in fucked up ways.
I've also had a lot of time to think about hypocrisy. This was begun by those assholes who are NOT my family. I have a deep loathing of hypocrisy for many reasons, most of which began with them. They ran my mother crazy and broke her heart and for what? To make themselves look good? Jesus fucking Christ.
But I can't help but to extend it farther. What else can one call it but hypocrisy when a person does things like, I don't know, go and help tornado victims to make himself look good (and perhaps make himself feel better about being a flaming douchebag as well), but doesn't help someone he claims he loves when that person most needs it? And completely ruins another person's hopes and dreams for no real reason at all? And throws someone else to the wolves, someone who didn't really deserve to be there, to save his own ass?
You see, I made a lot of mistakes. I know this. But the thing is, I will own up to them. He can spend the rest of his life trying to hide his skeletons in the closet; I, to paraphrase G.B. Shaw, will simply make mine dance.
Besides, the mask will only hide the truth for so long. People will eventually see through him. Just ask my grandmother's other daughter and her husband and kids.
Of course, in the way that it does, death has made me think. What if I died tomorrow? There are things on my conscience that I need to get off of it. There are things I need to say, apologies I need to make, and truths that need to come out. I'm done playing the game for someone who always makes me take the fall. It's not worth it anymore.
I feel as though my friendship with Kitty is strengthening. I know there's a lot I have to do, a lot I have to repair, but I hope this trend will continue. I only wish it could be that way with her, too. No ulterior motives, no bullshit. Just...some way to have her in my life. I know she'll probably never believe it, but I really do love her. :(
Ok, that was probably the most fragmented post ever. I know there's more I want to say, but I can't really figure out what to say or how to say it. So I shall leave with this.
It never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow, you've got everybody fooled....
No comments:
Post a Comment