Mission At Least Somewhat Accomplished

Tooth is once again fixed. No charge, either.

Apparently, I have some kind of weird bite that makes me be rougher on the broken front tooth than the other front tooth. He said that was probably what caused the veneer-thing to snap in half. He used a different bonding agent this time--and I can tell that it's thicker--but said that if it happens again, he's probably going to have to do some work on my bottom teeth to keep me from breaking the veneers.

There is no such thing as me having an easy fix for anything. I'm convinced of this. It runs in the family, LOL.

So much to say. So much to do. So tired.

Stress, Stress, Stress

Flying run to my mother's tomorrow to get my tooth fixed. Then, back to work because I've been dragging my feet and haven't gotten a damn thing done since...Friday?

Ugh, this job is going to be so stressful. I wonder how long it'll take before my hair starts falling out. Or before I pull it out of my own accord.

Now What?

The madness in the House of Bunny has slowed a little. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, the inquiries keep rolling in. I'm going to have to hire people to help me if this shit doesn't cool off a little. Not that I'm complaining (much).

I really am upset that email has had no reply. I REALLY wanted to apologize for all the things I've done--not to try to ingratiate myself, but just because I thought she deserved to hear that from me because I truly am sorry. I don't know if she's just ignoring me or if she's blocked my email or if she just hasn't checked it or what. No matter the reason, it's still disheartening.

Like I said, she deserves to hear my apology. On the other hand, I think I deserve to have the opportunity to make it, too. Even if nothing else ever comes of it.

I don't know what to do. :(

Great...Just Fucking Great

You know that tooth I broke a couple of weeks ago? The one that was supposed to be fixed? Yeah. The front part of the goddamn veneer just fell out.

FML.

You Might Be A Narcissist If...

...this statement ever comes out of your mouth.

I was talking to ChaosKitty on Yahoo and said, "As soon as we get paid, we're going somewhere. I want to dress up, do my hair, put on makeup, and go out. I don't care where. I just want to be looked out."

I must *reek* of narcissism when people pass me on the street....

Excuse Me If My Head Is Too Big For This Building

New feedback from new client who seems really particular about how she wants things done:

"I'm very pleased with your work and turnaround time."

To quote my perennial favorite, Eninem....

People don't usually come back this way
From a place that was dark as I was in
Just to get to this place

Now let these words be like a switchblade to a hater's rib cage
And let it be known from this day forward
I just wanna just say thanks
'Cause your hate is what gave me the strength
So let them Bics raise
'Cause I came with 5'9"
But I feel like I'm 6'8"!

The countdown until I leave that shithole company is on, motherfuckers.

Unhappy Bunny

*Sigh*

I tried to do the right thing. But I've gotten no response. It's really gotten me down now, and even though I have way too much shit to do, I really just want to go hide in bed now. I just...I wanted to tell her so many things. I thought it was the right thing to do. I wasn't doing it with any ulterior motives or to try to "get to" him or any of that bullshit. I don't *want* him.

I want her. :( At least to talk to me, if nothing else.

But I suppose I've been blocked.

This is not how I wanted it to end. Not at ALL.

I Have No Title

I'm really glad I've got a lot of work to do. It keeps my mind (somewhat) off of what I did Thursday night. Was it a good idea? Maybe, but probably not. I can't help but think of it and worry. I need her to know how deadly serious I am.

It's so hard for me to sleep at night, for thinking about it. :(

Please

Please read it. And please believe me. Please see the truth that lies beneath the words.

That's all I need right now.

:(

Wowowow

I am both overwhelmed by the massive amount of work we've got in store for us and amazed by our good fortune. I'm trying not to get too excited about it because it almost always seems like if I ever start counting on something, it always falls through. But, God, if it works out, this is our big break. There will be money to pay bills, money to finish school, and money to invest in the business....

This is probably the most hopeful you will ever hear me be, but...I sincerely hope that this is the Universe's way of making it up to be for having been shit on and given the short end of the stick my whole life. I feel like I've worked hard, played fair, and done everything I could to get to this point. So maybe this is my reward for not having a complete and total meltdown before I turned 30?

Is it too much to hope for that a reconciliation with the people that I care about might eventually be in store? Just as friends. I mean, it's slowly happening with Kitty, the rebuilding of trust and the making of reparations. Is it possible?

Please, God, please let it be possible.

And now for a little Gnarls Barkley, since I'm pretty sure that with the mountain of work we're about to be buried under, I'll soon look back at this day and say, "I remember when I lost my mind."

OMFG

So...T., my designer, has just made me a very busy woman. Me AND ChaosKitty. T. works for probably the biggest and richest company out there now. They're in need of writers. I told her, yeah, sure, we'll do it, thinking we'd make an extra $50 or so here and there, right?

Uh, yeah, no.

I just got finished talking to the owner of the company, and it's looking like ChaosKitty and I are going to be writing 15 pieces each, per week, at $20 a pop. So that's $300 a week for EACH of us, not counting what we're making with our other ventures. Oh, and she said she had enough stuff to keep us busy at LEAST through January.

Christ on a crutch. I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to leave the house again.

But...I'm finally going to be able to tell the despots at my old company to take their rules and their shitty pay and their bullshit and shove it up their collective asses. I'm going to make quite an exit because I've been wanting to do it for a long, long time.

Then, I can take the extra money and put toward our own little "company" that we're working on, too. We're gonna have more shit to do than we've ever had in our lives, but being COMPLETELY independent is going to be worth it...right?

I can't believe this shit. I guess somebody, somewhere, finally decided to have mercy on us.

Just So You Know....

Dear X,

I'm doing this for you. Not him. YOU.

~Bunny

What Began As A Thought Turned To A Prayer

No matter how it sounds, regardless of how angry I am at him, I hold no animosity towards her anymore. I'm *convinced* that she behaved toward me the way she did for two reasons.

1.) She was doing what I was doing, acting off the bullshit he was feeding her.

2.) She was also reacting to the things I did, when *I* was acting off the bullshit he fed me.

Neither of these things were really her fault. I mean, yeah, I guess you could say she's responsible for her actions either way, but I tend to absolve people of responsibility when they're working off false information.

I HAVE to tell her I'm sorry. I have to apologize for believing the worst of her, even when there were signs that it wasn't all as he said it was, for no other reason than because it was what I *wanted* to see.

I miss her desperately. I want her to talk to me. Please, God, let her talk to me. That's all I need. I just NEED to say these things to her.

If there's some way that I can do with her what I did with Kitty, begin slowly repairing a friendship in order to have her in my life in some capacity, please, God, let that happen, too. That is what I truly want. I miss her so much, even though I don't ever show it. It's got nothing to do with him at this point. I just need to tell her this stuff, and I would love to try to be friends again. :(

Please, God, if she's got any feeling for me at all left, let this happen. *Sigh*

Oh, And...

I've got another bone to pick.

It chaps my ass that I was basically told, "Oh, well, I decided I couldn't be with you because I thought your crazy was contagious."

Gee, thanks, asshole. If that shit gets airborne, the whole human race is fucked, isn't it?

Furthermore...you say you struggle with "depression"? But that she can "pull you out of it"? Well, I've got news for you. If another person can "pull you out of it," it's not fucking depression. It's self-pity, which is something completely different, and it's downright fucking insulting for you to act as if it's not.

Secondly, don't you know that regardless of how crazy I am, I'd still have done anything in the world to make you happy? Do you not realize that I function best when I feel like I have a purpose? And if that meant taking care of you when you're down, then don't you think I would have done it? I'd have put aside any of my own bullshit to deal with yours because it's what I've always done. That's what you do for someone you love.

Thirdly, whether or not you end up old, bitter, and alone has nothing to do with whether you ended up with me or not. It's your lying, your backstabbing, and your hypocrisy that will leave you old, bitter, and alone, not my presence.

Ok. I'm done now.

I Finally Feel Up To Writing All This Down

Ok, I'm going to try to write down all the shiznit that's on my mind, but I'm not sure I'll be able to get it all at once, simply because there's so damn much of it.

When I went to my grandmother's funeral, I cried a lot. I'm still not really sure why. Was it because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do? Do I still have unresolved issues? Am I just nuttier than a fruitcake? I expect that the answer to all those questions is "Yes."

There are lots of bad memories connected with the church where her funeral was held, for one thing. I was twitchy the whole time I was there, like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. That was part of it, I'm sure, that uneasy feeling. Then, I know that part of me was mourning the fact that I was never good enough for the old woman. And, I suppose, I was mourning the grandmother she could've been. And, as crazy as it sounds, I guess I grieved over the fact that despite how fucked up she was--how fucked up all of us are--she was still gone.

I got a thank you card in the mail today from my mother (God knows why). On the inside, it said, among other things, "Up until the last few weeks, she always asked me about you. She may have had a strange way of showing it, but she did love you." I had to go hide and cry when I read it.

Story of my life. I am only worthy of being loved in fucked up ways.


I've also had a lot of time to think about hypocrisy. This was begun by those assholes who are NOT my family. I have a deep loathing of hypocrisy for many reasons, most of which began with them. They ran my mother crazy and broke her heart and for what? To make themselves look good? Jesus fucking Christ.

But I can't help but to extend it farther. What else can one call it but hypocrisy when a person does things like, I don't know, go and help tornado victims to make himself look good (and perhaps make himself feel better about being a flaming douchebag as well), but doesn't help someone he claims he loves when that person most needs it? And completely ruins another person's hopes and dreams for no real reason at all? And throws someone else to the wolves, someone who didn't really deserve to be there, to save his own ass?

You see, I made a lot of mistakes. I know this. But the thing is, I will own up to them. He can spend the rest of his life trying to hide his skeletons in the closet; I, to paraphrase G.B. Shaw, will simply make mine dance.

Besides, the mask will only hide the truth for so long. People will eventually see through him. Just ask my grandmother's other daughter and her husband and kids.


Of course, in the way that it does, death has made me think. What if I died tomorrow? There are things on my conscience that I need to get off of it. There are things I need to say, apologies I need to make, and truths that need to come out. I'm done playing the game for someone who always makes me take the fall. It's not worth it anymore.


I feel as though my friendship with Kitty is strengthening. I know there's a lot I have to do, a lot I have to repair, but I hope this trend will continue. I only wish it could be that way with her, too. No ulterior motives, no bullshit. Just...some way to have her in my life. I know she'll probably never believe it, but I really do love her. :(


Ok, that was probably the most fragmented post ever. I know there's more I want to say, but I can't really figure out what to say or how to say it. So I shall leave with this.



It never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow, you've got everybody fooled....

Shit!

I've been working my fat white ass off the last couple of days, trying to get everything caught up from when I was MIA last week. I think I've finally got it, but DAMN, I'm tired now. Thank God Kitty came to visit yesterday. It was a lot of fun, and I damn sure needed the distraction.

I think I'm going to pop a sleeping pill and go to bed. I need to start sleeping more than 6 or 7 hours a night if I want to kick the mini-mania in the face. I've felt guilty about sleeping when I had so much to do, but now that I'm finished, I don't have to feel that way...right?

*Sigh* Then, I get to start all over tomorrow. A bunny's work is never done.

Yay!

Kitty is coming to visit! Yay!

Fuck. My. Life.

Why does it hurt so much?

Great, Another Short Night

My mama's surgery is at 6 am. Yes. SIX O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING. It's also about 30 minutes away. And she wants to leave at fucking 5:15.

FML.

I didn't sleep worth a damn last night, and I won't tonight, either. Now, I also don't know if I'll be able to go home tomorrow. I REALLY need to. I need to go work, dammit. Plus, tomorrow is ChaosKitty's birthday, and I'm going to feel like a huge asshole if I miss it. :(

*Sigh* I'm tired, but I don't think I can sleep. I have a lot on my mind and no time or inclination to write about it here. I can't wait until my life slows down a bit. All this shit is going to wind up with me in the nuthouse otherwise.

Mission Accomplished

Tooth is fixed. :)

It took me longer to drive down there than it took for him to fix it, LOL.

In addition to patching up the crack that I put in it the other day, he also smoothed out the chip on the other side of the tooth that I've had since I was in, like, the second grade. So now that tooth looks just like the other one. Woo!

Oh, and he did it all (visit yesterday, repair today) for less than $250, and me with no insurance. :)

Does this mean things are looking up....?

No. Probably not. *Eyeroll*

Ugh :(

I'm up at this ungodly hour to go have my tooth fixed at 9. FML. This had SO better be worth it because I didn't sleep for shit last night. I tossed and turned and had crazy dreams and woke up every 30 minutes from 1 am until about 7:45, when I got up. Oh, and the best part? I get to do it all over again tomorrow, only probably earlier.

Please, God, let the next couple of days go by fast. I can't wait to go home and sleep in my own bed for as long as I want. If I can make myself stay awake, I'm going home tomorrow after her surgery.

Speaking of staying awake, God, I hope I don't fall asleep on the way down to the dentist. :(

One Thing, Real Quick

Went to the dentist today. They were short-handed, so he couldn't fix my tooth today. But I'm supposed to go back at the ungodly hour of 9 am tomorrow to have it fixed.

The next two days are GOING TO FUCKING SUCK. A 9 am dentist's appointment tomorrow and an even earlier surgery to take my mother to on Thursday.

God, I can't wait to go home and sleep in my own bed for as long as I want.

Drained

I'm exhausted (again). I was in bed at 7:30, reading, knowing I was going to pass out soon. I was almost there when I heard someone knocking on the front door. I tried to ignore it, but they wouldn't go away. My mama was asleep in the den, which is in the back part of the house. The bedroom I sleep in is right beside the front door.

So, eventually, I had to get up and go answer it. It was someone to see my daddy, who wasn't home at the time, so I sent this guy to our barn to look for him because that was the last place I'd heard he was headed. And I'll be DAMNED if he didn't come back within 20 minutes, checking to see if Daddy was here yet.

Thank God, he was just walking in the door. I don't think I could've handled it otherwise.

So now I'm just awake enough to not be able to go to sleep. I'm still exhausted, but I don't think I can sleep yet. I've got a lot on my mind, but I'm pretty sure my brain's so fried that it won't be able to turn them into words right now. Those will have to come out on paper later.

Now, my mama and daddy are sitting in the living room talking to this guy. I'm hiding in the bedroom, partly because I'm only half-dressed and partly because I just don't think I can handle one more person in my space today. But even if I wanted to sleep, I couldn't now. These two rooms share a wall, and I can hear them talking.

FML.

Tomorrow's got to be better...right?

Day One

The massive clusterfuck is half over.

The funeral home was tonight; funeral at the church tomorrow. Because of the holiday and the weird way A/C does their newspapers, the obit won't be published until Tuesday. Which makes less than NO sense. But whatever.

The part of the family we don't claim came to make a big show in front of everyone. Which, of course, was totally fucktarded and 100% expected. I don't think they're fooling nearly as many people as they think they are, though. Most of the people who were there showed up for my mother, my father, and me. ;)

That whole story has yet to be told, though. That whole powder keg's going to blow soon, probably before the old lady is cold in the ground.

I have many other thoughts and observations, but I've been going wide open since I left home last night. I'm nearly dead on my feet, so I'll be saving those for later. I will say this, though: What I may lack in quantity of friends, I more than make up for in quality. While none of my friends could make it on such short notice, I know they've all been there in spirit. They've been nothing but wonderful: Kitty, Fangbunny, ChaosKitty, my work friends, and many others.

Besides, while most people may have a few friends here and a few friends there, I've got people praying for me all over the Western Hemisphere! And that's not something just anybody can say. ;)

My job may suck, but the people I work with don't. <3

Ding-Dong....

The old woman died.

Now I have to get my shit together and go down there and deal with my stupid fucking family, and I am SO not in the goddamn mood. I'm sorry that I'm such a selfish fuck, but that's the way I feel.

If anybody gives a shit, the arrangements will be in the paper at home, I guess.

Now I have to go get my shit together and go, I suppose. This is going to suck so bad. God help me.

If I Live A Million Years, I Will Still Never Understand

Why did you do this to me?

You KNEW I wanted this more than anything in the world. Why would you manipulate me and deliberately sabotage it? Why'd you lie to me? Why did you do the one thing you promised you wouldn't do?

Why did you let her believe that I'm the one who did this? I begged you over and over to tell her the truth, and you promised me that you would. When I found out that you hadn't--and, furthermore, had no intention of ever doing so--I took some time to myself to make up my mind about what to do. Then, when I decided that I was going to talk to her myself, despite the fact that you'd told me over and over to let you handle it because she didn't want to talk to me, she found out, and then you led her to believe this was all MY fault.

She told me that if I'd only talked to her, we might've tried to work this out. Did you know that was how she felt? If so, how the fuck could you lie to me and tell me she didn't want anything to do with me when you knew how badly I wanted--nay, needed--this?

And why the hell did you let her believe that I did this. She honestly believes that I willingly went behind her back for "attention" from you. WHAT attention? Me listening to you on Yahoo messenger at work go into excruciating detail about every sexual fantasy you've ever had while studiously ignoring my telling you that we needed to do the right thing and be honest? You randomly showing up at my house twice when I was half-asleep to tie me up and get your dick sucked?

Yeah. THAT was what I wanted to throw my whole fucking world away for, for sure.

She thinks *I'm* the one who lied to her. I am NOT a liar. Just because you led her to believe that doesn't make it true.

I wanted to tell her. You said she didn't want to talk to me. I told you over and over that if she wouldn't talk to me that YOU needed to talk to her. I am the one who decided to go against what you said and talk to her, anyway, although that was thwarted by her finding out what was going on before I had the chance to tell her myself.

You are the liar. My mistake was believing anything that came out of your mouth and trusting you to do what you said you were going to do. And I know you had to have lied, otherwise she wouldn't have said the things she said to me.

I love you, and I've done everything in my power for you. I worshipped the ground you fucking walked on. You were GOD in my eyes, you lying fucking bastard. And it still wasn't good enough for you.

I always said that I'd do anything for you, that I'd make you happy at all costs. "At all costs" apparently means losing you, her, and Kitty in the end.

You told me you loved me. You said that you wanted, more than anything, for this to work out between us all. But what did you do? In spite of everything, you threw away the only goddamn thing in the whole world that meant anything to me...for two fucking blowjobs.

I Am Embracing My Inner Five-Year-Old

I'm five years old today, apparently.

I'm sitting in my bedroom with a book (actually, my Kindle) and eating a bologna sandwich and canned Brunswick stew. Yes, that was the kind of shit I ate when I was really 5.

I guess being little is the only way I can make it through right now. I really want to snuggle with my big froggie, but it breaks my heart just to look at him, knowing where he came from. :(

I'm Not Sure If This Is Better Or Worse

*Sigh*

I slept last night, but now I feel incredibly hungover. I think the Risperdal took away the manic part of the mixed episode, and now I'm just depressed.

ChaosKitty's friend C. has been here since last night. I feel really bad because I'm being extremely anti-social and hiding in my room, but I just don't feel up to facing the world today. I just...can't...right now.

My mother called earlier and said that they told them again that my grandmother won't make it through the night. I guess it's selfish of me, but I'm not dropping everything and running down there again. If she dies, I'll go. If not, I'm staying put. I have to go down on Wednesday to take my mother to have her surgery done on Thursday, anyway. And I need to work if I can force myself to do it.

I guess I'm a terrible person. But, really, right now all I care about is seeing if I can make it through the day.

I'm hungry, and I'd love to go back to bed. I'm also in dire need of a shower. But I just don't want to go in there and face anyone right now, so I'm holed up in my room. Maybe I'll come up with the wherewithal to go do that stuff soon. :(

Ok, That's It

I can't handle it anymore. I'm taking one of the Risperdal that one of the stupid doctors ChaosKitty saw prescribed to her. Per the Risperdal page on Crazy Meds:

Stops the rage induced by a dysphoric mania or mixed state like nothing else, in anywhere from an hour to the next day, without necessarily having to knock you out.

I'm ragey, among other bullshit that comes along with my lovely dysphoric manias/mixed states. Please, God, let this squash it before it gets any worse.

Ok. Risperdal, then bed. Maybe this will tide me over til the Lamictal increase kicks in.

Fuck This Day

This has been a shitty fucking day all the way around. Last night, ChaosKitty and I sat up crying together half the night because she's heartbroken about her husband who still hasn't come back, and I'm heartbroken at the situation I'm in. (More on that later. I don't even feel like going into it now.)

I'm about to start, which always makes me crazy as hell, and, when combined with the fact that it's nearly fall, it's like 20 times worse. I've gone either manic or mixed; I can't decide which one it is yet. I upped the Lamictal yesterday, but it takes a few days for it to start having a noticeable effect. After I went to bed, I was convinced I "had" to stay up until it was daylight outside because I just knew if I didn't, "they" (whoever "they" are) would come and get me. Then, I woke up about 5 hours later and couldn't go back to sleep.

Goddammit, I'm fucking crazy, and I hate it. I NEED my Lamictal to kick in soon. :(

Then, today, I was eating Krystal's (told you I was about to start), and I had chili cheese fries. I was eating them with a fork, and I thought I'd gotten the fork far enough out of the way, so I bit down on my food. And, of course, bit the fucking fork and broke my front tooth. Naturally, it was the one that's already chipped. The crack goes about halfway up my tooth, so I called my mama, and she's going to get me a dentist's appointment to get it fixed. We're both afraid if we don't, the crack will go all the way up to the gum, then my tooth will split in half and fall out because that happened to her.

I cried a lot about my tooth because I'm a vain, vain motherfucker. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm not nearly as pretty as I used to be. Having a fucked up front tooth does not help matters. Also, it kinda hurts now. Also-also, I feel really guilty now because my mama is going to have to pay for me to go to the dentist because I'm too stupid to eat like a normal human being.

THEN, I posted something about it on my Facebook, something to the effect of "I broke a tooth, goddammit," and this fucking bitch I went to high school with (who's now decided she's a dude, FYI) decides to take that moment to lecture me about my foul mouth. Ok, first of all, it's my fucking Facebook, and if I offend you, then, please, by all means, delete me. Secondly, that was REALLY not what I needed to hear after being so upset about this stupid tooth.

I'm sorry I'm vain. I'm sorry I got so upset over something so ridiculous. I'm sorry I'm BATSHIT MOTHERFUCKING CRAZY. But a little sympathy would be nice.

The little girl would like to curl up in someone's lap and cry now. :(

Some Days, I Really Love My Job

Actual quote from a new SEO/blogging client:

"You are made of YAY and HAPPY!"

<3<3<3<3

That kinda stuff makes it all worth it.