Mood: -3
Meds: 12 pm
Sleep: 7 hours
Other: I've got two ideas vying for position in my head. Each one wants to be blogged about today. So, since I haven't really blogged much the past week or so, I believe I'll talk about both. Only because they're so different from one another, I'm splitting it up into two posts. This one is going to be my angry post.
I have spent my entire life being a second-class citizen in some way or another. I've talked many times before about how, despite the fact that I've got a master's degree and have managed to not have to go back home and live in a trailer in my parents' backyard, my mother and her entire side of the family think I am dirt beneath my fat, alcoholic cousin's feet (who *does* live a double-wide in his parents' backyard, though it wasn't a "going back" situation--he never left his parents' house until he got married last year, so now he and his wife live in their backyard together). When I was in school, I was the weird smart kid and was, therefore, shunned. I don't really give a shit about this *now*, but at the time, it was kind of a big deal. Once I got to college, I didn't make friends very easily, so I wasn't intentionally shunned, just kind of ignored. When it comes to men, I've always ended up with the kind who wanted to "possess" me for whatever reason, but were never proud of that fact. Generally, the reasons for wanting to "possess" me included sex and not wanting anyone else to have me. *Eyeroll*
I'm sorry. Call me a crazy drama queen bitch if you want, but I'd like the opportunity to be patted on the head, told I'm pretty, given the chance to dress up, and go out to be shown off. I'm a fucking princess. If you don't like it, you know what you can do.
(Also, remind me to explain part of my reasoning here: the disastrous proms and sorority formals I was subjected to between the ages of 17 and 23. That's worthy of a whole 'nother blog post in and of itself.)
I HATE being a dirty little secret. I HATE feeling like I'm not good enough to even merit a fucking mention. I sat on my hands and wouldn't let myself rant about this for 8 hours, but I'm still mad as hell. I HATE the fact that the goddamn status quo of his fucking life is more important than I am. Oh, pardon me. Don't let MY MOTHERFUCKING FEELINGS interfere with your convenience and your comfort, asshole.
I feel disposable. I feel not good enough (again). This fucking strikes at every single deep-seated insecurity I've got, and the only reaction I can even get on the damn subject is the same old bury-my-head-in-the-sand-and-maybe-it'll-go-away shit that got us in this mess to start with.
Why do I always end up with the cowards?
I feel like I'm not worth being anything *other* than the dirty little secret. I feel, once again, like a cute little sex toy, to be used when needed and tossed aside for the rest of the time and expected never to complain and to always be ready for when the owner returns. Some people might be ok with that kind of treatment, but I'm not. I'm too complex--and probably too broken--to ever just be a slave or a sex toy.
I'm also tired of making excuses for him. I'm sick of telling myself "It's hard" or "It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. The truth of the matter is, he does what he does because I let him. There's no impetus for change. Why get off your lazy ass and do anything when you can sit back and have the whole world fall into your lap? Why ever take anything other than the path of least resistance when you've never had to and, most likely, never will have to?
I know perfectly well he'll read this blog and pretend he didn't, or else decide not to talk to me again for an indeterminate amount of time. I'll pretend I didn't write it, and I'll still feel like the living, breathing sex doll. He'll still be perfectly happy with his easy existence, and I'll still be all torn up inside because I don't merit anything other than a "Maybe it'll be different someday."
No. No, it won't. The only person who has the power to change anything is the one most likely to sit on his ass and not do a damn thing. It's what's happened the last 5 years, so I don't know why I ever expect it to change.
And when it all goes to hell in a handbasket--which it will because it always does--he'll happily put my head on the chopping block in order to save his own ass. Like he does every damn time.
Funny that Lady Gaga dropped the "Judas" video today, huh? It's rather fitting.
[Random Gaga ad-libbing not worth typing out]
When he comes to me, I am ready
I'll wash his feet with my hair if he needs
Forgive him when his tongue lies through his brain
Even after three times, he betrays me
I'll bring him down, bring him down, down
A king with no crown, king with no crown
I'm just a holy fool
Oh, baby, he's so cruel
But I'm still in love with Judas, baby
[More Gaga ad-lib]
I couldn't love a man so purely
Even darkness forgave his crooked way
I've learned love is like a brick
You can build a house or sink a dead body
I'll bring him down, bring him down, down
A king with no crown, king with no crown
I'm just a holy fool
Oh, baby, he's so cruel
But I'm still in love with Judas, baby
[Blah, blah]
In the most Biblical sense
I am beyond repentance
Fame hooker, prostitute wench, vomits her mind
But in the cultural sense
I just speak in future tense
Judas, kiss me if offensed
Or wear ear condom next time
I wanna love you
But something's pulling me away
Jesus is my virtue
But Judas is the demon I cling to
I cling to
I'm just a holy fool
Baby, he's so cruel
But I'm still in love with Judas, baby
I'm just a holy fool
Baby, he's so cruel
But I'm still in love with Judas, baby
[Etc., etc.]
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