Reflections On Self

Somehow, I managed to write 8 essays last night, thus I am finished with all mine. Now, I'm just waiting on ChaosKitty to finish hers. I'm afraid she may not get it done, though, because they're due tomorrow, and she's still got 14 of the damn things to do. I have proofread everything and check the HTML, but other than that, I'm good.

It's kinda nice not to have this shit hanging over my head. I'm working on some other stuff that's due Monday and Tuesday, but they're much smaller projects, which is good. I've scheduled it so that I'm only doing 2 essays per day (except for Thursdays, which will be 3) to get this shit done in the future. Fuck writing 3-4-5 essays a day to get the shit finished.

So I guess this is me becoming somewhat organized? I dunno.

I'm grateful for this work and this money, but, damn, I wish it weren't so rushed. My other fear is that after it's done, they won't need us to do as much, and then I'll be fucked. But I'm going to pull an ex-Baptist move and say that I hope the Lord will provide.

Yes, I just went there. Feel free to mock me. I'm mocking myself in my head.

I have to go to my parents' this weekend. I'm building a website for my great-aunt's flower shop, so I'm going to take my camera down there to get some pictures. Then, I'll finish it. The Christmas Open House thing is the first Sunday in November, so I want it to be up by then.

Once the bills are caught up (because almost all of them were/are behind this month), I'm going to start putting some back for taxes. And for classes. God knows this is going to suck some serious ass, but I have to do it. I'm making myself.

I'm also going to start working on my "company," too. I've been neglecting it lately. Time to get it to making money, so that if the writing work decreases, I can still stay afloat. I need to look toward incorporating as an LLC, so I don't have to pay taxes twice on the money, too. I may actually incorporate two different ones, for various reasons.

It sorta sucks that I'm going to be so busy with work, but on the other hand, it really does keep my mind off other shit. I work on shit all day, which only allows me a limited of mind-wandering. I work until the point of exhaustion, so that limits the amount of self-pity I can engage in when I go to bed.

Sometimes, I look at everything and think I still suck. But then I compare me now to how I was this time last year, and I realize that I'm a zillion percent better. Not well, by any stretch of the imagination, but better. The paranoia will be the last to go, apparently, but I don't think it's on the level of delusions anymore. Just...odd thinking.

I don't fly into blind rages anymore. I can still get mad as hell, but it doesn't last as long, and the reaction is a bit more proportionate to the situation at hand.

The racing thoughts pop back up sometimes, but they're a lot quieter than they were, and they often go away altogether. When they are there, they don't seem as frantic.

I don't run around in a flight of panic anymore, either. Yes, sure, I can get freaked out about things (see above, re: paranoia). But it's not as bad, and it's not always there.

I doubt the grandiosity will ever leave completely. I'm a fucking narcissist.

I go through the pressured speech thing sometimes, but that comes and goes, too. The more my thoughts race, the faster I talk. But all in all, that's something I can live with.

Most of the self-destructive impulses are gone. When I get really upset about something, the urges come back, but they're weak enough to deny now.

I'm still uncomfortable in certain social situations, particularly those where no escape is readily available. The good news is, I think I just come off as awkward now instead of insane. For other social situations, the anxiety has disappeared altogether. Generally, if I have somebody else with me, I'm fine, especially if the other people involved have the decency not to call attention to my natural shyness and awkwardness.

Hypersexuality is also reduced. I didn't put two and two together on this one until VERY recently. Yes, I still want to fuck. Especially given how long it's been since I've done it. But it's no longer a compulsion. It's no longer something I seek out because I can't control myself. I feel certain that even if I were around him and could overcome my persistent desire to drown him in a toilet, I could say no to sex now. I might not WANT to, but I could. So weird how that's changed with the September increase of Lamictal. (Currently at 175 mg.) Actually, the hypersexuality topic deserves its own post, so I'm going to leave it at that for now.

Desire to kill myself to shut my brain up? Gone.

So, yeah, I do still have issues, but they're reduced. I can live with all of it but the paranoia. I think a low-dose antipsychotic would knock it right out, honestly. I'm not actually psychotic now. I damn sure have been in the past, though. But if I could find one that wouldn't make me fatter and one that I could actually, you know, AFFORD, I feel like that would be enough to make the residual paranoia and odd thinking go away.

The rest? I can deal with it.

The only real thing that bothers me is the loss of memory. There are lots and lots of holes in my memory of the last 3 years. Well, that and the loss of IQ points. I'm still kind of in mourning for the parts of my brain I've fried out, but what do you do? It is what it is, I guess.