I Know It's Stupid, But...

So I slept way too late today. I've been doing that lately. I probably need to catch up from what I *didn't* get over the last week and a half.

Anyway, I digress.

I got on Facebook, as usual, because ChaosKitty and T. usually have something hilarious to say that pertains to our work, and today was no different. I was scrolling down through my feed, and then I saw something that was like being sucker-punched in the gut.

There was a picture that Kitty was tagged in, from last weekend, apparently. Kitty and J. were both in it. There was another that she's using for her profile picture, but it's not as bad.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't curl up in bed and cry.

Which is something I've been doing a lot of lately.


Kitty got online shortly thereafter. She asked me how I was, and I slipped and said, "Not worth a shit," before I realized what I'd typed. Then, she asked what was up, and I covered by saying it wasn't a big deal, but thanks for asking, etc. I almost said something to her about it, but I didn't want to a.) sound like an asshole, or b.) seem like I was blaming her it.

So I'm writing here instead.

It hurts for several reasons. First of all, it's just that she's there with her, and I'm not. Secondly, it's the fact that they do things with her that I flat begged them to do with me. They told me they just didn't do things like that, but I knew it was a lie. They do those things with their friends and now with Kitty, too.

So it's obviously just me.

There is, apparently, something inherently flawed within me that makes people ashamed of me. There's something that's just not good enough. I should be used to it by now because it's always been that way for me, but it still hurts when I'm reminded of it. It's not just them--it's everybody.



And you know? It's even worse that she didn't even think me worthy of an answer to my email. :(


Ok. Self-pity moment over.

Back to the salt mines for me.



Livin' risky
Never scared
Wander closer to the edge
Nothin' valued
Think no fear
Always wonderin' why you're here

All your purposes are gone
Nothin's right
And nothin's wrong

Nothin' ventured
Nothin' gained
Feel no sorrow
Feel no pain

Kiss me while I'm still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms
Let me live
And let me learn

Now I'll follow my own way
And I'll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice
Remember when this was my life....

Lookin' forward
Not behind
Everybody's gotta cross that line
Free me now
Give me a place
Keep me caged and free the beast

Fallin' faster
Time goes by
Fear is not seen
Through these eyes

What there was will never be
Now I'm blind and cannot see

Kiss me while I'm still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms
Let me live and let me learn

Now I'll follow my own way
And I'll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice
Remember when this was my life....

Kiss me while I'm still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms
Let me live and let me learn

Now I'll follow my own way
And I'll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice
Remember when this was my life....