On Hypersexuality

I've been meaning to write this one, but I haven't had the time. And, well, to be honest, I still don't have the time, but since today has been completely wasted, dealing with morons, I don't suppose it matters is I waste some more time.

So. Hypersexuality. Yes.

I've always had an enormous sex drive. ALWAYS. There are multiple reasons for this--excessive testosterone, an adventurous and sensuous nature, and, yes, being batshit crazy.

Even when I was on Depo, which is notorious for fucking with your sex drive, mine was still abnormally high. Not as high as it was when I *wasn't* on Depo, mind you, but still much higher than the normal person's.

A lot of times, it's like I'm being driven by a force more powerful than myself. I HAVE to fuck somebody, somewhere, or I have no peace. It's often more a compulsion than a normal human function. Of course, it almost always makes me feel awful about myself after I go out and fuck whoever; don't think there's not a reason I've made myself into a hermit. The less I go out and the fewer people I have contact with, the less likely I am to go fuck somebody when the compulsion starts driving me.

It's only been recently that I realized the connection to my illness. In all the literature, you read about how those crazy bipolars will fuck anything that walks during a manic phase. But I guess it never dawned on me that just because I don't go out trolling bars for hookups--which I never did, actually--doesn't mean I don't have the same damn problem.

I still have the compulsions, but they're more under control now than they were even 6 months ago.

I think what bothers me most about it, though, is the way it's been taken advantage of by men. I'm not talking about random dudes, really. They didn't know any better. I'm talking about the several who knew me and knew me well. They knew that between my way-too-high sex drive and my inability to tell people no, I'd fuck them whenever, wherever, however, and damn the consequences, even if I really didn't want to. It's the last part that really gets me.

I'm not saying I don't have a responsibility for it. I do, to some extent. But I just feel like yet another aspect of my personality and my crazy was exploited for other people's gain, and I really don't like it.