I'm Awesome, But Tired

Ok, so despite the jubilant post earlier--which I have a good reason for making--I'm tired as FUCK. I love being self-employed. I love freelancing. But, goddamn, I wish I could get a break. I mean, yes, I can easily just *not* work for a day. But when I do that, I get so behind and feel so guilty the entire time for not working that it doesn't feel like much of a break, anyway.

I got so pissed earlier. ChaosKitty and I turned in our bi-monthly load of crap last Monday and sent our invoices in. They're supposed to send the checks the day we send the invoices. The checks come from Boston, so if they're sent on Monday, ChaosKitty usually gets hers on Thursday, and I get mine on Friday.

As of yesterday, they weren't here yet. So I sent off an email to the payroll lady. When I got up this morning, I had a reply. Apparently, they weren't sent off until Monday--as in two days ago, a fucking WEEK late--and nobody felt it important enough to let us know. The owners were out of town, she said, and she couldn't get authorization to pay us. Which I thought was really interesting, given that I know for a fact that the owner was on vacation.

I was so mad. I sent a not-very-nice email to the payroll saying that while I understood that things happened, it would've been VERY nice if she had let us know what was going on, as we could've had the things overnighted to us on Monday if we had known. (As it is, I'll be lucky to get the sonofabitch by Friday.)

Then, I decided, fuck it, I'll email the owner. I sent an even bitchier email to the owner about it, and I basically got a "Fuck you" in reply. I'm still mad as hell, but nobody seems to be willing to do anything.

I'm not one of those people that an "I'm sorry" or an "I apologize" alone will appease. Even if you're genuinely sorry (which these people obviously are not), I need something more than that. I need to see you be proactive in preventing it from happening again, and I need you to make some sort of reparations. Yes, she couldn't do much this week now that the checks are already in the mail. But why not offer to overnight next week's free of charge to us, since they, too, will be delayed because of the holidays? (We normally have to pay $18.50 out of our checks to have them overnighted, which is why I don't do it.)

But no. They just don't give a flying fuck one way or another if we get it or not.

Honestly, these people have jerked us around so much that I really don't want to work for them anymore. I'm going to finish this project like I said I was going to do, but I don't expect they'll try to hire us again, which is perfectly all right with me. And if they do, I'm probably not going to accept.

I mean, this bullshit they want done is so mind-numbing that it drains you physically. I've been out of new and fresh ideas for weeks, so I've been recycling the same shit over and over. I don't have a lot of time to work on my other ventures. I don't have a lot of time to devote to my other clients. It fucking sucks. I'm seriously thinking about trying to speed through as much of it as possible, so we can get finished with it sooner and not have to deal with this pack of assholes anymore.

I'm just so goddamn tired all the time, and I don't understand why. My body aches like I've hiked a hundred miles. My brain doesn't fire on all its cylinders ever anymore. I wish it could be different.

*Sigh* No sense in bitching about this. I'm used to being tired, but I wish the mental well hadn't run dry.

I'm still at ChaosKitty's, but I'm going home tomorrow. I'd intended to go home today, but a.) it was storming, and b.) it wasn't like my check came, anyway. But I will definitely be going tomorrow and getting as much done as possible because Kitty is coming on Friday. That'll be a welcome respite. :)

I've started taking my Lamictal at night, which helps a little with the exhaustion factor, I think. But around 11 pm, I'm starting to seriously drag...which sucks, given that my brain won't get in gear until after the sun goes down most of the time. That's why I'm headed to bed in a few minutes. :(

My plan is to just sort of coast along until after Thanksgiving and my birthday (and, God, I don't really even want to think about how old I'll be) and then try to kick-start myself and bust my ass until the first of the year. Other people's purse strings seem to loosen then, so I'm hoping that everything will be in place and waiting for that to happen. That way, when I drop these assholes or they drop me, we won't miss their money because more will be coming in.

I just feel like life would be so much easier if I didn't have to do it alone. But what do you do? You put one foot in front of the other, try not to think about it too much, and push forward.

If you're going through hell...keep going.

Winston Churchill