Disturbing

Last night, I had one of the most disturbing dreams I've ever had--quite possibly the most disturbing dream I've ever had. It was incredibly realistic and vivid. I could also feel emotions as the dream me was having them without the real me realizing it was a dream, which doesn't happen very often. Usually, my conscious mind breaks through and goes, "Oh, it's just a dream. Wake up, stupid." That didn't happen this time.

I don't know how to explain the beginning, as it's all rather convoluted. It doesn't matter, though, because it doesn't have a whole lot to do with the story itself, anyway. So I'll basically just start in the middle instead.

I dreamed that the three of them were all living in my town: Kitty, J., and him. They all lived together, and I was living alone or else with ChaosKitty. I'm not entirely sure because ChaosKitty was with me a lot of the time, but I don't know for sure if she was living with me or not. I guess it doesn't matter either way.

Anyway, I ran into the three of them in town a lot. I tried to avoid them, but I couldn't. It hurt me every time I saw them, and I talked to ChaosKitty about it a lot, as she was the only one I could talk to about it. (Funny how that imitated life, huh?) She told me that I needed to approach them in a conciliatory manner and try to talk to them if I wanted to mend fences because she could see that my being at odds with them was causing me huge amounts of pain. (Also a funny imitation of life.)

So I made up my mind that the next time I saw them, I'd talk to them.

Then, something happened. Everyone in town was evacuated into two (large) abandoned buildings. I have no idea why we were all relocated, but dream logic applies, I suppose.

ChaosKitty and I were put into one building, and the three of them were put in the other one. Everyone was restless and bored, but there wasn't a whole lot we could do. ChaosKitty and I sat by the window, watching the sun go down and talking.

We were still sitting there after it got dark. Off in the distance, we saw a brightly-lit object approaching in the sky. (I think it was probably a helicopter, but I'm not sure.) I pointed it out to her and asked her what she thought it was. She had no idea, either. We watched it fly closer and closer and noticed that it seemed to be flying awfully low to the ground.

It swung around toward us, and we saw that a searchlight had been switched on. The light swept over the building we were in and landed on the building the three of them were in. Suddenly, the thing opened fire. It wasn't a bomb--I think it was machine gun fire. They sprayed it all over the building as we sat there, paralyzed and unable to even breathe.

Once the people inside the thing were sure they'd shot the building up enough, they flew away. I jumped up to run to other building to see if the three of them were ok. ChaosKitty was right on my heels because she wasn't going to let me go in alone.

It looked like a war zone in there. There were dead bodies everywhere. We didn't recognize anyone at first, so we just kept picking our way through the people and trying to find them.

Finally, I stumbled across him. He was alive, but so shell-shocked that he was practically catatonic. There was no sign of the other two. ChaosKitty and I kept at him, trying to see if he knew where they were or what had happened to them. Eventually, we managed to discern that J. was dead, according to him. He had no idea what had happened to Kitty.

I left him with ChaosKitty and went to look for the others. I couldn't find either of them. I became increasingly frantic, but before I could uncover any more information, all the ambulatory people were herded out. ChaosKitty and I led him out. He staggered around, his arms over both our shoulders so that we could support him, the thousand-yard stare in his eyes. He was broken. Every now and then he'd look up at me with his unfocused eyes and whisper that he loved me, and then he'd look away again, but that was all.

We got him inside the other building and found a place to sit him down. While we waited for someone to attend to us, ChaosKitty and I talked. I told her how guilty I felt that I hadn't warned the people in the next building that something was coming, but she told me that there was no way we could've known what was about to happen. Even if we'd told them something was flying overhead, she said, they probably wouldn't have thought anything of it, either.

Someone--a doctor, I think--came to attend to him. I left him in that person's hands, so that I could go back to look for Kitty and J. ChaosKitty, of course, came along with me. She wouldn't let me go alone. We had no confirmation that J. was really dead, but we didn't know if she was alive, either. Equally bad was the fact that we had no report at all about Kitty, for better or for worse. Right before we stepped into the shot-up building the second time, I woke up.

When I awakened and realized it was all a dream, I couldn't do anything. I lay there, stock-still, barely able to even breathe. Apparently, upon awakening, I was the one who was shell-shocked.

When I was finally able to move again, I got up to go to the bathroom. Daddy was sitting in the den and said something to me, but I wasn't even able to say anything intelligible. I came back to bed and lay there some more, unable to do much of anything.

Eventually, I was able to gather my wits about me enough to pick up my phone and text Kitty to see if she was ok. I do shit like this semi-regularly because I have terrible dreams a lot, so she didn't think there was anything out of the ordinary. She confirmed that she was ok, and I didn't really elaborate on the dream, and that was that.

Still, somehow, that dream affected me in ways I can't even put into words. I don't want to go back to sleep tonight for fear that I'll dream it or something similar again. I'm not sure I've ever had a dream disturb me quite like that one did.

I have no idea if the dream itself means anything or not, but it was brutal, either way. I wish I could describe how it affected me, but I can't. It was like I woke up without a soul, as if I'd somehow lost it in the horrors of the dream world. The (presumed) death of J., his loss of touch with reality, and Kitty's disappearance all worked together to make me a completely empty shell of a human being until I was sure I was awake. And even then, it took a little while.

God, the words just sound so paltry. I can't explain it. I really can't. But just thinking of it makes me feel sick, so I'm going to stop talking about it now and lay down to read happy things before bed, in hopes that that will prevent me from having another dream like that one again.

Dear God, PLEASE don't ever let me have another one like that ever again.