Clearly, I'm not a prolific blogger. I doubt anyone reads this thing but maybe...me? But, still, I feel compelled to do this shit, anyway. If there is anyone out there reading, humor me. Or skip this post. Whichever is fine. But maybe it'll help someone. And even if it doesn't, I guess it won't hurt.
1. The illness I live with is: Bipolar I, with psychotic features. I also have linear scleroderma with some generalized symptoms, asthma, severe allergies, and migraines. Also, a kitchen sink. I'm answering the questions in the context of bipolar, though, as it has had a even bigger impact on my life than being a fat asthmatic.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2010.
3. But I had symptoms since: As long as I can remember. Since I was 5 or 6, at least. Maybe farther back. My memory is shit.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Learning to live without people I truly care about because my illness is such a monster--and it turned me into one, too. Also, I have to pay very close attention to things other people don't even think about, like how much sleep I get.
5. Most people assume: That there is nothing wrong with me, unless they've had the dubious honor of dealing with it firsthand.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Finding a reason to bother with even getting out of bed.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: House, I guess, but I don't watch TV. Haven't even really watched House in a couple of years. I haven't had cable since 2006.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My sweet, sweet Kindle with its impressive collection of cheap/free books. There are days when it's the only thing that makes life worth living.
9. The hardest part about nights are: Not thinking about all the things I've lost. As you can see, I can hardly ever manage to do it.
10. Each day I take: 150 mg. of Wellbutrin--1 pill--in the morning, 2 B-complex gummy vitamins, 150 mg. (usually) of Lamictal--one 100 mg. pill and two 25 mg. pills--at night, and whatever headache or allergy stuff is necessary to get through the day. In the winter, I often need my albuterol inhaler for the asthma because it's aggravated by cold weather. Also, lots and lots of caffeine.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Think you're a goddamned idiot if you think popping some stupid herbal preparation or whatever is going to cure you if you're severely mentally ill. It might work for people who are either not sick but think they are or for people who are only mildly ill, through the placebo effect. But if you're really sick? It's like trying to bail out a sinking ship with a teaspoon.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Visible. At least then people wouldn't think I was full of shit when I'm unable to work or sleep 18 hours a day or sleep 2 hours a day or whatever.
13. Regarding working and career: It's hard. I've never really held down much of a job in my life. I can do it for a little while, but ultimately, I unravel. Before I started working at home, which I had to do for lack of any other options, I worked temp jobs. I've done this longer than I've ever done anything else (4 1/2 years).
14. People would be surprised to know: That I wish I could speak Spanish a lot better than I do (which is to say, hardly at all) and give English lessons to immigrant adults who genuinely wanted to learn.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: The isolation.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Run my own business.
17. The commercials about my illness: I don't think there are any, at least not that I know of. Again, I don't watch TV. Hell, they advertise antipsychotics like Seroquel and Abilify as antidepressants nowadays. People don't talk about the bipolars and the schizophrenics in polite society.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Being able to drink socially. I can still do it to some degree, but it's not worth it most of the time.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: The belief that if I just tried a little harder, I could control these demons on my own. I had, after all, been working with that assumption for nearly 30 years.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: I haven't, really, unfortunately. I have to work way more than any person should, and when I'm not working, I'm actively trying to work on myself. So no new hobbies, at least not right now.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Get together all my old friends and have an outrageously stupid party or something. Just anything to help me forget the shit I have to live with for a little while.
22. My illness has taught me: To look at things the way they really are, rather than the way I want them to be.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Anything that has to do with Big Pharma conspiracies and people not needing "all that medicine." Please. Suck. My. Dick.
24. But I love it when people: Think of me and do any little thing to show me that they've thought of me. Doesn't have to be big. Even someone engaging in a conversation with me about something not superficial for no other reason than because they care what I think is enough to make my day.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I grew up in the Baptist church and attended a Methodist one for a while when I was a little older. Still, this particular story--and I'm going to quote it in its entirety because of the impact it has on me, even though I realize it's long--has only acquired its significance in fairly recent times. There are multiple reasons why. (I'm breaking it up into paragraphs that aren't in the original text to make it easier to read, due to its length.)
Early in the morning, he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst, they said to him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?" This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him.
Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." And once more, he bent down and wrote on the ground.
But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
She said, "No one, Lord."
And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on, sin no more."
~John 8:2-11
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: This will be the hardest thing you have to deal with in your life because no matter what you do or how hard you try to divorce yourself from it, it's always there. But there are people in the world who understand, and those are the ones you want to keep around, for they can help hold you up, even when you can't do it yourself. And for God's sake, take your goddamn medication, don't drink, don't do drugs of any kind, and try your best not to derail your own recovery.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The fact that you can occasionally find understanding from people you never would've expected it from.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Help me clean my house and catch up on my work before it got even farther behind and I got more overwhelmed. (I'm looking at you, Kitty Cat.)
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Eh, I don't know if you'd call this "involved," but I'm doing it in hopes that maybe what I have to say will help someone else somewhere down the line, as trite as it sounds.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Hopeful. Maybe there are people out there who care, even anonymously.
Also, there's this, about living with a chronic, invisible illness, if anyone gives a shit.
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