If You Look South, You'll See A Glow....

Well, after lots of tears, I finally got ChaosKitty to the doctor. No one in the entire fucking county would help, so I eventually had to drag her back home to go to my doctor (again). She's on Zyprexa now, and it was like flipping a light switch. She went from a nervous wreck, snapping on me and anybody else, right back to the old ChaosKitty that we all know and love. Then, she went to bed and slept for 12 hours, which I've never known her to do in all the time I've known her.

So she's a lot better. We have a psychiatrist's appointment in Birmingham Friday morning, which the doctor finagled for us. After that, I hope she'll be able to get some meds and be stable all the time.

In other news, I feel like I'M falling apart now. I think that while I'm doing something for someone else, I can keep it together. But as long as I don't have someone to take care of, I no longer have a purpose, and then it all goes straight to hell in a handbasket.

(But I'm not submissive.)

It's been particularly hard the last couple of weeks, trying not to think about them. I think the harder I try not to do it, the more the fucking memories come at me. I just...I can't stop it. I'm not crazy--at least not right now. I just can't help but miss them.

I think the worst thing in the world is knowing that you've lost nearly everything that ever meant anything to you, and the whole reason for it is you. It's the worst feeling imaginable. I wouldn't wish it on anybody, not even my worst enemy.

Actually, no. The worst thing is not knowing that I've lost it all and that it's all my fault. The worst thing is knowing that the girls don't believe I care about them at all. I'm sure I've lost far more sleep over this than anyone involved would ever imagine. But they'd never believe it if I said so.

I know I should just stop thinking about it. But that'd be like telling the sun to stop rising in the morning. You can tell it not to all you want to, but it's going to do it, regardless of what you say.

It's not that I lost him that hurts. It's that I lost all of them.

God, I wish I could just tell her the truth.

*Sigh* I'm going to get off here and go be tragic in my bed, I think.



I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing?
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that

Also, if we're going to be tragic....



I always keep a light on. Always.