Changes, Changes

My lack of motivation is starting to worry me. I can't remember being this disinclined to do anything since...I'm not even sure.

I mean, I don't think I'm still depressed. Maybe I am. But if so, it's not as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago. The fog has lifted, at any rate.

But, normally, when depression passes, you expect something to come and take its place. This time, that hasn't really happened. So either I'm still depressed, or I'm having some kind of other weird, subtle emotional state that I'm not familiar with because I'm so used to being balls-to-the-wall crazy.

Blech.

I think part of it is that I'm tired of wrestling with this one douchebag client for money. If he'd pay on time every month like he's supposed to without being prompted, it'd be fine. But ChaosKitty and I both have to run him down and pester him for weeks before he'll pay, and then by the time he finally pays us what he owes us for this month, it's already next month

If I didn't need his money so bad right now, I'd tell him to kiss the fattest part of my ass. I've been trying to hustle up some work so my cell phone doesn't get cut off mid-month because jackass went barreling off to Vegas without paying us the additional $200 he owed us for January. By the time I got it (on, like, the 29th or something), the phone company had already added February's charges to the bill, so I STILL didn't have the money to pay it.

So somehow, I have to get $125 extra in my bank account by this time next week to keep my phone from being cut off. Not to mention how my $65 credit card payment went to $170+ for February because I couldn't pay it in January because of this douchenugget. I could go on and on.

The problem is, there's no one else coming looking for our services. Usually, the first of the year is when people turn loose of their pocketbooks, but it's not happening this time. I don't know what to do. I know getting way behind certainly isn't helping matters, but when I'm back to juggling bills again like I was doing this time last year, I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never really get ahead.

It's frustrating and makes me not want to do ANYTHING, although I know how counterproductive that is.

Honestly, I think I just need to get the hell out of here for a little while. Unfortunately, that, too, requires money, so I'm stuck sitting here feeling sorry for myself and feeling my motivation sinking lower and lower and lower.

Clearly, I need to do something else because what I've been doing isn't working. I'm thinking maybe I'll work on cleaning the house up some this weekend, then going to buy some food that actually sounds good and cooking, maybe. I'm sure my fast-food-and-junk-food diet isn't helping the situation any, and, God knows, I'm so sick of eating that shit that I could scream. But I honestly feel like I can't justify taking time away from work to cook, clean, and shop, even though lately "work" has consisted of me writing a few things here and there and playing Neopets the rest of the time.

Ok, that settles it. Time to do something different. My mama is supposed to bring me my Wellbutrin sometime this weekend, since I'll be out on Wednesday. I'm going to set off one of those bug bomb things while I'm out with her; since she always wants to "shop" when she comes, that'll give it plenty of time to disperse before I get home. (The bugs are not my fault. The pest control people just never come.) Then, I'll start cleaning, even if it's just a little at a time.

I've been wanting meatloaf and lots and lots of veggies for awhile, so maybe I'll make meatloaf muffins (meatloaf made in a muffin pan, not actual muffins) over brown rice, squash, and something green (either green beans or turnip greens, depending on how I feel). I feel like something's not right with me, given the way I've been feeling lately, and even if it's not my diet that's the real problem, I sincerely doubt cleaning it up is going to hurt.

Also? I crave citrus fruit. I don't know why, but I think I'm going to give in to the craving.

Now it's bedtime, I think. I need to stop staying up so long that my second wind kicks in, thus assuring that I don't get to sleep until after daylight. That, too, is pretty counterproductive.