Ok, so I took ChaosKitty to her doctor's appointment in Birmingham today. Apparently, some wires got crossed or something because we thought she was seeing a psychiatrist, when she was really seeing a psychologist. But that was ok because she needs both.
Anyway, it turns out that she LOVES this psychologist and is really excited about seeing her. I think ChaosKitty has finally realized that it's possible to get better when you have people who want to help you. But you know the best part about it? Because this lady wants to help her so badly, she's only going to be charging ChaosKitty $40 per appointment instead of her usual $160 since ChaosKitty doesn't have insurance. She actually told her that she'd do it pro bono, but she *has* to charge something in order to pay the receptionist people in the office or whatever. So she's charging her the least amount the practice will allow her to charge. I thought that was fucking awesome.
I paid $180 for ChaosKitty's visit today (thank you very much, Chase visa card). The doctor, however, changed it to be $80 instead of $180, so since she's only charging ChaosKitty $40 per appointment, she won't have to pay anything for her next two visits and only $20 for the third. So yay!
Anyway, she's going to go back in two weeks, and I think she'll be going in two-week intervals for awhile. She's got an appointment with a psychiatrist in late March, so she should be able to get some meds that will help, too. Unfortunately, my doctor only gave her 2 weeks' worth of Zyprexa samples (and the generics are too expensive to buy), so we'll have to ration that until her psychiatrist's appointment. But I think it will all be worth it in the end. Oh, and we also found a decently-priced pharmacy in Anniston, finally. I'm so happy for her.
I'm so glad I could help, even in the slightest way. I WANT to see her get better. I want her to be happy and productive again and not tormented by the demons that haunt her. I remember all too well being in that place with NO ONE to help me. I'd have given anything to have someone--anyone--do something. I'm not doing what tiny bit I've done to get a pat on the back or to make myself look good or whatever. I would do anything in the world I could to help her get better just because I want her to be happy. And, besides, what kind of person would I be if I had the ability to help and didn't? I'll let other people answer for that, not me.
Because ChaosKitty is going to have to make bi-monthly trips into Birmingham, she's going to go on and move in with me ASAP. As in, we're making plans to go get her stuff next weekend. Her brother is going to lend her some money, and we're going to move her in.
So it seems like after months and months of basically nothing at all, everything starts happening at once...and it's all starting to fall into place again. Not to wear the Jesus hat or anything, but perhaps He did listen to all my pleas for help for ChaosKitty....
Anyway, business is also picking up again, and I won't be alone in the house anymore. I'm being very, very, very cautiously optimistic. I think ChaosKitty is going to get better. I believe this from the bottom of my heart. If the Zyprexa helps her, then great. The cheapest we can find it is $230-ish for 30 of the 5 mg. pills, but there are patient assistance programs. She's going to get better, and then I'll feel better, too. That means our business can grow, and we don't have to continue to feel like we've lost everything.
Both of us have hit bottom and bounced for awhile, then lay at the bottom of the hole, convinced there was no way out. I clawed my way out, inch by precious inch, and now I've turned around and dropped a rope down in the hole for her to pull herself out. With the help she's getting, I don't think it'll take her nearly as long as it took me.
Also? I now know where to go if I decide I need a psychiatrist or a psychologist (or both).
Oh, God, please let this all work out for the best.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
If You Look South, You'll See A Glow....
Well, after lots of tears, I finally got ChaosKitty to the doctor. No one in the entire fucking county would help, so I eventually had to drag her back home to go to my doctor (again). She's on Zyprexa now, and it was like flipping a light switch. She went from a nervous wreck, snapping on me and anybody else, right back to the old ChaosKitty that we all know and love. Then, she went to bed and slept for 12 hours, which I've never known her to do in all the time I've known her.
So she's a lot better. We have a psychiatrist's appointment in Birmingham Friday morning, which the doctor finagled for us. After that, I hope she'll be able to get some meds and be stable all the time.
In other news, I feel like I'M falling apart now. I think that while I'm doing something for someone else, I can keep it together. But as long as I don't have someone to take care of, I no longer have a purpose, and then it all goes straight to hell in a handbasket.
(But I'm not submissive.)
It's been particularly hard the last couple of weeks, trying not to think about them. I think the harder I try not to do it, the more the fucking memories come at me. I just...I can't stop it. I'm not crazy--at least not right now. I just can't help but miss them.
I think the worst thing in the world is knowing that you've lost nearly everything that ever meant anything to you, and the whole reason for it is you. It's the worst feeling imaginable. I wouldn't wish it on anybody, not even my worst enemy.
Actually, no. The worst thing is not knowing that I've lost it all and that it's all my fault. The worst thing is knowing that the girls don't believe I care about them at all. I'm sure I've lost far more sleep over this than anyone involved would ever imagine. But they'd never believe it if I said so.
I know I should just stop thinking about it. But that'd be like telling the sun to stop rising in the morning. You can tell it not to all you want to, but it's going to do it, regardless of what you say.
It's not that I lost him that hurts. It's that I lost all of them.
God, I wish I could just tell her the truth.
*Sigh* I'm going to get off here and go be tragic in my bed, I think.
I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing?
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
Also, if we're going to be tragic....
I always keep a light on. Always.
So she's a lot better. We have a psychiatrist's appointment in Birmingham Friday morning, which the doctor finagled for us. After that, I hope she'll be able to get some meds and be stable all the time.
In other news, I feel like I'M falling apart now. I think that while I'm doing something for someone else, I can keep it together. But as long as I don't have someone to take care of, I no longer have a purpose, and then it all goes straight to hell in a handbasket.
(But I'm not submissive.)
It's been particularly hard the last couple of weeks, trying not to think about them. I think the harder I try not to do it, the more the fucking memories come at me. I just...I can't stop it. I'm not crazy--at least not right now. I just can't help but miss them.
I think the worst thing in the world is knowing that you've lost nearly everything that ever meant anything to you, and the whole reason for it is you. It's the worst feeling imaginable. I wouldn't wish it on anybody, not even my worst enemy.
Actually, no. The worst thing is not knowing that I've lost it all and that it's all my fault. The worst thing is knowing that the girls don't believe I care about them at all. I'm sure I've lost far more sleep over this than anyone involved would ever imagine. But they'd never believe it if I said so.
I know I should just stop thinking about it. But that'd be like telling the sun to stop rising in the morning. You can tell it not to all you want to, but it's going to do it, regardless of what you say.
It's not that I lost him that hurts. It's that I lost all of them.
God, I wish I could just tell her the truth.
*Sigh* I'm going to get off here and go be tragic in my bed, I think.
I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing?
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
Also, if we're going to be tragic....
I always keep a light on. Always.
Monday, February 20, 2012
It's A Bad Week To Be My Electronics....
So.
Thursday, my MP3 player was stolen out of my truck.
Today, I stepped on my Kindle and cracked the screen. I may have cried.
Clearly, the electronics gods have it out for me. If I were my phone and my laptop(s), I'd be shaking in my boots right about now.
Fuck my life. Why is it that one of the only goddamn things I own that I give a shit about, I break through my own sheer stupidity? It's really fucking frustrating. Like, ChaosKitty is lending me hers while she's here, and I can "lend" the books I've bought to her, so I can still read them, but...it's not the same.
I could cry some more. :(
Thursday, my MP3 player was stolen out of my truck.
Today, I stepped on my Kindle and cracked the screen. I may have cried.
Clearly, the electronics gods have it out for me. If I were my phone and my laptop(s), I'd be shaking in my boots right about now.
Fuck my life. Why is it that one of the only goddamn things I own that I give a shit about, I break through my own sheer stupidity? It's really fucking frustrating. Like, ChaosKitty is lending me hers while she's here, and I can "lend" the books I've bought to her, so I can still read them, but...it's not the same.
I could cry some more. :(
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Eventful Week
It's been a pretty eventful week.
Poor ChaosKitty has basically gone off the deep end. I sent her money and basically made her come over here with me, so I could keep an eye on her and get her some help. She got here on Thursday, and then her phone and my MP3 player were promptly stolen out of my fucking truck while we were in Walmart. :(
I've been trying to swing a psychiatrist's appointment for her since she got here. Who knew that every psychiatrist in the state of Alabama was on backlog for at least a month? Good Lord. I mean, I thought ALL doctors kept a slot or two open for emergencies, but apparently crazy people don't have emergencies. *Eyeroll*
Finally, Friday afternoon, I was calling around in despair, not sure what to do, not feeling like anybody wanted to help, and knowing that there was no way ChaosKitty can go on like she's been going for another month. Somehow--God knows how exactly because I didn't call them intentionally--I ended up on the phone with the mental hospital up the road. From there, I got transferred to a case worker and was basically begging the woman to help me. I was *crying* because I knew I needed to do something, but nobody would help me.
She asked me if ChaosKitty was suicidal. I said yes because...well...she is. All the medications in my house are hidden away, and I've got my shotgun locked up in one closet and the shells in another. She told me to take her to the emergency room, but I pointed out that she doesn't have insurance and couldn't pay the bill, even if they did treat her.
Then, the woman basically said to keep her safe until Monday and then march down to the mental health clinic first thing Monday morning and tell them that it's an emergency. I asked if the lady really thought they'd see us, and she replied, "If she's suicidal, they have to." Then, she went on to tell me that if I had any problems to call her and that she would call them and tell them that they had to see us.
So, basically, I get to go to the clinic and hold everybody there hostage on Monday until someone helps my friend. This is going to be fun. *Sigh*
In other news, Kitty came today. I felt really bad that I haven't gotten to spend more time with her this weekend. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm always letting someone down. She's been very good about it and doesn't seem upset or anything. But I still feel horrible.
I still have such mixed feelings about the whole situation. I know the best thing is probably to just let sleeping dogs lie, but I want so badly to tell her how sorry I am, how sad I am about everything...just...so many things. I feel like I shouldn't, but I also feel that I HAVE to say these things.
*Sigh* I don't fucking know. I just know I'm not happy and would like for that to change.
Poor ChaosKitty has basically gone off the deep end. I sent her money and basically made her come over here with me, so I could keep an eye on her and get her some help. She got here on Thursday, and then her phone and my MP3 player were promptly stolen out of my fucking truck while we were in Walmart. :(
I've been trying to swing a psychiatrist's appointment for her since she got here. Who knew that every psychiatrist in the state of Alabama was on backlog for at least a month? Good Lord. I mean, I thought ALL doctors kept a slot or two open for emergencies, but apparently crazy people don't have emergencies. *Eyeroll*
Finally, Friday afternoon, I was calling around in despair, not sure what to do, not feeling like anybody wanted to help, and knowing that there was no way ChaosKitty can go on like she's been going for another month. Somehow--God knows how exactly because I didn't call them intentionally--I ended up on the phone with the mental hospital up the road. From there, I got transferred to a case worker and was basically begging the woman to help me. I was *crying* because I knew I needed to do something, but nobody would help me.
She asked me if ChaosKitty was suicidal. I said yes because...well...she is. All the medications in my house are hidden away, and I've got my shotgun locked up in one closet and the shells in another. She told me to take her to the emergency room, but I pointed out that she doesn't have insurance and couldn't pay the bill, even if they did treat her.
Then, the woman basically said to keep her safe until Monday and then march down to the mental health clinic first thing Monday morning and tell them that it's an emergency. I asked if the lady really thought they'd see us, and she replied, "If she's suicidal, they have to." Then, she went on to tell me that if I had any problems to call her and that she would call them and tell them that they had to see us.
So, basically, I get to go to the clinic and hold everybody there hostage on Monday until someone helps my friend. This is going to be fun. *Sigh*
In other news, Kitty came today. I felt really bad that I haven't gotten to spend more time with her this weekend. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm always letting someone down. She's been very good about it and doesn't seem upset or anything. But I still feel horrible.
I still have such mixed feelings about the whole situation. I know the best thing is probably to just let sleeping dogs lie, but I want so badly to tell her how sorry I am, how sad I am about everything...just...so many things. I feel like I shouldn't, but I also feel that I HAVE to say these things.
*Sigh* I don't fucking know. I just know I'm not happy and would like for that to change.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
They Say I'll Be Ok, But....
I shouldn't give a shit anymore. I know I shouldn't. But I do.
I think it's getting worse instead of better.
There's so much I want to say and no way to say it. I don't even have time to sit down and write it all here. So I'm stuck being overwhelmed with work and crippled by having all this shit swimming around in my head 24/7.
They say I'll be ok, but...I'm not going to ever get over you. Or you. Or you, either, you sonofabitch.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Changes, Changes
My lack of motivation is starting to worry me. I can't remember being this disinclined to do anything since...I'm not even sure.
I mean, I don't think I'm still depressed. Maybe I am. But if so, it's not as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago. The fog has lifted, at any rate.
But, normally, when depression passes, you expect something to come and take its place. This time, that hasn't really happened. So either I'm still depressed, or I'm having some kind of other weird, subtle emotional state that I'm not familiar with because I'm so used to being balls-to-the-wall crazy.
Blech.
I think part of it is that I'm tired of wrestling with this one douchebag client for money. If he'd pay on time every month like he's supposed to without being prompted, it'd be fine. But ChaosKitty and I both have to run him down and pester him for weeks before he'll pay, and then by the time he finally pays us what he owes us for this month, it's already next month
If I didn't need his money so bad right now, I'd tell him to kiss the fattest part of my ass. I've been trying to hustle up some work so my cell phone doesn't get cut off mid-month because jackass went barreling off to Vegas without paying us the additional $200 he owed us for January. By the time I got it (on, like, the 29th or something), the phone company had already added February's charges to the bill, so I STILL didn't have the money to pay it.
So somehow, I have to get $125 extra in my bank account by this time next week to keep my phone from being cut off. Not to mention how my $65 credit card payment went to $170+ for February because I couldn't pay it in January because of this douchenugget. I could go on and on.
The problem is, there's no one else coming looking for our services. Usually, the first of the year is when people turn loose of their pocketbooks, but it's not happening this time. I don't know what to do. I know getting way behind certainly isn't helping matters, but when I'm back to juggling bills again like I was doing this time last year, I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never really get ahead.
It's frustrating and makes me not want to do ANYTHING, although I know how counterproductive that is.
Honestly, I think I just need to get the hell out of here for a little while. Unfortunately, that, too, requires money, so I'm stuck sitting here feeling sorry for myself and feeling my motivation sinking lower and lower and lower.
Clearly, I need to do something else because what I've been doing isn't working. I'm thinking maybe I'll work on cleaning the house up some this weekend, then going to buy some food that actually sounds good and cooking, maybe. I'm sure my fast-food-and-junk-food diet isn't helping the situation any, and, God knows, I'm so sick of eating that shit that I could scream. But I honestly feel like I can't justify taking time away from work to cook, clean, and shop, even though lately "work" has consisted of me writing a few things here and there and playing Neopets the rest of the time.
Ok, that settles it. Time to do something different. My mama is supposed to bring me my Wellbutrin sometime this weekend, since I'll be out on Wednesday. I'm going to set off one of those bug bomb things while I'm out with her; since she always wants to "shop" when she comes, that'll give it plenty of time to disperse before I get home. (The bugs are not my fault. The pest control people just never come.) Then, I'll start cleaning, even if it's just a little at a time.
I've been wanting meatloaf and lots and lots of veggies for awhile, so maybe I'll make meatloaf muffins (meatloaf made in a muffin pan, not actual muffins) over brown rice, squash, and something green (either green beans or turnip greens, depending on how I feel). I feel like something's not right with me, given the way I've been feeling lately, and even if it's not my diet that's the real problem, I sincerely doubt cleaning it up is going to hurt.
Also? I crave citrus fruit. I don't know why, but I think I'm going to give in to the craving.
Now it's bedtime, I think. I need to stop staying up so long that my second wind kicks in, thus assuring that I don't get to sleep until after daylight. That, too, is pretty counterproductive.
I mean, I don't think I'm still depressed. Maybe I am. But if so, it's not as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago. The fog has lifted, at any rate.
But, normally, when depression passes, you expect something to come and take its place. This time, that hasn't really happened. So either I'm still depressed, or I'm having some kind of other weird, subtle emotional state that I'm not familiar with because I'm so used to being balls-to-the-wall crazy.
Blech.
I think part of it is that I'm tired of wrestling with this one douchebag client for money. If he'd pay on time every month like he's supposed to without being prompted, it'd be fine. But ChaosKitty and I both have to run him down and pester him for weeks before he'll pay, and then by the time he finally pays us what he owes us for this month, it's already next month
If I didn't need his money so bad right now, I'd tell him to kiss the fattest part of my ass. I've been trying to hustle up some work so my cell phone doesn't get cut off mid-month because jackass went barreling off to Vegas without paying us the additional $200 he owed us for January. By the time I got it (on, like, the 29th or something), the phone company had already added February's charges to the bill, so I STILL didn't have the money to pay it.
So somehow, I have to get $125 extra in my bank account by this time next week to keep my phone from being cut off. Not to mention how my $65 credit card payment went to $170+ for February because I couldn't pay it in January because of this douchenugget. I could go on and on.
The problem is, there's no one else coming looking for our services. Usually, the first of the year is when people turn loose of their pocketbooks, but it's not happening this time. I don't know what to do. I know getting way behind certainly isn't helping matters, but when I'm back to juggling bills again like I was doing this time last year, I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never really get ahead.
It's frustrating and makes me not want to do ANYTHING, although I know how counterproductive that is.
Honestly, I think I just need to get the hell out of here for a little while. Unfortunately, that, too, requires money, so I'm stuck sitting here feeling sorry for myself and feeling my motivation sinking lower and lower and lower.
Clearly, I need to do something else because what I've been doing isn't working. I'm thinking maybe I'll work on cleaning the house up some this weekend, then going to buy some food that actually sounds good and cooking, maybe. I'm sure my fast-food-and-junk-food diet isn't helping the situation any, and, God knows, I'm so sick of eating that shit that I could scream. But I honestly feel like I can't justify taking time away from work to cook, clean, and shop, even though lately "work" has consisted of me writing a few things here and there and playing Neopets the rest of the time.
Ok, that settles it. Time to do something different. My mama is supposed to bring me my Wellbutrin sometime this weekend, since I'll be out on Wednesday. I'm going to set off one of those bug bomb things while I'm out with her; since she always wants to "shop" when she comes, that'll give it plenty of time to disperse before I get home. (The bugs are not my fault. The pest control people just never come.) Then, I'll start cleaning, even if it's just a little at a time.
I've been wanting meatloaf and lots and lots of veggies for awhile, so maybe I'll make meatloaf muffins (meatloaf made in a muffin pan, not actual muffins) over brown rice, squash, and something green (either green beans or turnip greens, depending on how I feel). I feel like something's not right with me, given the way I've been feeling lately, and even if it's not my diet that's the real problem, I sincerely doubt cleaning it up is going to hurt.
Also? I crave citrus fruit. I don't know why, but I think I'm going to give in to the craving.
Now it's bedtime, I think. I need to stop staying up so long that my second wind kicks in, thus assuring that I don't get to sleep until after daylight. That, too, is pretty counterproductive.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Can I Have A Do-Over?
This has just not been a good day.
I sent in my last invoice for this pack of assholes I've been dealing with the last several months. They only send paper checks, and if I want them checks overnighted, I have to pay $20. So I asked today for my shit to be overnighted, and the fucking dumb, lazy bitch in payroll goes, "I've already been to the post office today."
Well, march your sorry ass back to the post office, lady. If I have to pay $20 to get the damn thing here, it better be here TOMORROW.
But I know it won't be. Why? Because they're fucking assholes. So, basically, I got up early today to get the shit turned in so that it would be here tomorrow, despite the fact that I took a sleeping pill last night, which made me feel hungover all day, for no fucking reason because it won't be here because some dumb cunt is too lazy to make a second trip to the post office.
Just fucking great.
Then, I managed to spill coffee all over my new laptop that I just got for Christmas. I shut it down and left it to dry. I sincerely hope I didn't fry anything, but I bet that keyboard's gone. :(
Then, I ended up spending 4 hours on some stupid bullshit affiliate stuff that should never have taken that long. Now, my head hurts too much to work on this other shit I'm so far behind on. I'm tired, but I don't think I could sleep now.
So what am I to do? Mope, I suppose. FML.
I sent in my last invoice for this pack of assholes I've been dealing with the last several months. They only send paper checks, and if I want them checks overnighted, I have to pay $20. So I asked today for my shit to be overnighted, and the fucking dumb, lazy bitch in payroll goes, "I've already been to the post office today."
Well, march your sorry ass back to the post office, lady. If I have to pay $20 to get the damn thing here, it better be here TOMORROW.
But I know it won't be. Why? Because they're fucking assholes. So, basically, I got up early today to get the shit turned in so that it would be here tomorrow, despite the fact that I took a sleeping pill last night, which made me feel hungover all day, for no fucking reason because it won't be here because some dumb cunt is too lazy to make a second trip to the post office.
Just fucking great.
Then, I managed to spill coffee all over my new laptop that I just got for Christmas. I shut it down and left it to dry. I sincerely hope I didn't fry anything, but I bet that keyboard's gone. :(
Then, I ended up spending 4 hours on some stupid bullshit affiliate stuff that should never have taken that long. Now, my head hurts too much to work on this other shit I'm so far behind on. I'm tired, but I don't think I could sleep now.
So what am I to do? Mope, I suppose. FML.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)