Could I stop being crazy for awhile? PLEASE?
My four months of relative sanity appear to finally be shot to hell. I've done all I could do to crawl out of this hole, but my brain is not cooperating. :(
I hate this. Almost everything makes me feel nauseated to eat it. I don't know WHY, but it does. The only thing that agrees with me anymore is sweets, and if this continues, I'm going to be as big as the side of the barn in a couple of months. Blech.
My sleeping patterns are all screwed up again, too. I'm sure this isn't helping the old mental state at all, either.
I've lost my motivation. Like, some days, I can drink a lot of coffee and push through, but it's getting harder and harder. I don't feel like working or going out. My house, while always a pretty big mess, is outright fucking disgusting now, but I just don't think I can deal with it right now. I just...can't.
In my mind, "depression" as an entity is divided into two types. There's blue, and there's black. Blue is the general overall feeling of being unwell, unmotivated, and unhealthily introspective. Black is where disembodied claws wrap around you and pull you into a bottomless pit that you can never escape from without outside assistance of some kind. Blue just sucks; black is catastrophic.
Currently, I'm still in the blue phase. I hope I can catch it before it nosedives into the black phase. Wishing. Hoping. Praying. God, don't let me go back there again.
But, honestly, this sucks bad enough on its own. And I'm not just being all self-pitying and emo. The appetite and sleep changes are proof enough of that. I've been playing around with my Lamictal dosage, but it hasn't really been helping very much. Mainlining caffeine helps some, but it damn sure doesn't improve my sleep problem, which makes me think it probably will fuck things up more in the long run.
And then there are the dreams. They never leave me for long, anyway, but they torment me even worse now. Or maybe the severity and frequency aren't any worse, but I'm just less equipped to handle them at the moment. I don't know.
I think the worst thing is that I've been so proud of my four months of (relative) stability, and to have it come to a screeching halt when I was doing so well just makes me feel that much worse. I hate admitting that there's a problem. I'm afraid it'll make people hate me or not trust me or be afraid of me or whatever. I feel like no one will ever want anything to do with me unless I'm at 110% all the time. Only those who've ever had to experience the hell of an unquiet mind can possibly understand, I think. But maybe not. Maybe people are more forgiving and understanding than I think. One can hope, anyway.
I just have to keep reminding myself that even though this sucks, it's nothing like it was before stability. I'm not psychotic. I'm not ranting at the world. I'm not even angry, actually--just tired. I'm not convinced I'm being persecuted. I'm not suicidal. I just...don't feel good. And it blows. But I want to fight it and keep it from ever getting to the point where my illness completely controls me (again) instead of the other way around.
I know I pull out this song on the regular, but it's really applicable right now. This feeling really sucks, but I'm not crazy. I've been crazy before, and this isn't what this is.
I'm just a little unwell....
Oh, my loves...I'm not crazy. I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell. But stay awhile, and maybe then you'll see a different side of me. I'm not crazy. I'm just a little impaired. I know right now you don't care. But soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be. :(
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