I know I haven't updated in forever. It's not because shit hasn't been happening. I think it's actually the opposite problem. SO MUCH has been going on that I don't know where to start.
I have been methodically eliminating bullshit from life.
Since Christmas, I have closed my bank account (because of bullshit) and opened a new one at a credit union, stood down a rude old man who backed into me in a parking lot and let him know that just because I wasn't rude in return didn't mean he was going to intimidate me, fired some clients, acquired some new ones, been ruthless about not letting petty bullshit stop me from my ultimate goal, learned that my cousin's pregnant wife is leaving him (good for her, I say), refused to involve myself in a bunch of random brouhaha I could've allowed myself to get caught up in, had my first real drink since June for no reason other than I wanted one and had the money to buy it, and much more.
Other people have been making lofty New Year's resolutions. Mine's not so lofty, but I think it's something I need. It's twofold.
1.) Eliminate all the drama from my life. I've been doing this quietly for some time now, but I've been getting a lot more serious about it. If you've got nothing to offer me but some bullshit, then stay the fuck away. Doing this makes it much easier for me to accomplish #2.
2.) Make this be the year for my business. This year, ChaosKitty and I will be putting ourselves on the map, and next year, we'll be lounging on the beach sipping daiquiris. Last year, I increased my income by 50%. Sure, I still didn't make a lot of money, but the majority of that was made in the last quarter of 2011. I'm going to make sure the upward trend continues, and NOBODY is going to stop me from going big and fulfilling my life's goal of being the female Jimmy Buffett.
I've learned that things don't get better because you sit back and wait patiently for them to do so. Most of the time, they get worse. (Read: my crazy.) If you want it, you have to go get it and make it happen.
I have re-discovered the ambitious, Type A, tenacious hardcore go-getter inside me who had, up until recently, been buried from years and years of acquiescing to other people and giving up my own happiness for theirs. I'm a leader, not a follower. I should've remembered that a long time ago. It would've saved me a world of heartache.
ChaosKitty is making a lot of changes, too. She's cutting out drama in her life by moving in with me soon. Her roommates drive her absolutely batshit, so she's coming here. We both work so much better when we're together, and it will save us both money, too. We've both found parts of ourselves we didn't know were missing for so long, and it's time to use those parts of us to our advantage.
I'm done with the pettiness. I'm done with accepting blame for things that aren't my fault. I'm done with drama and with keeping other people's secrets and generally being a whipping girl for the whole world.
This is my life. I will live it. I will make it worthwhile. I will do my best to fix the mistakes I've made, but I will never, never, NEVER bend until I break again. I have tried too hard for too long to dig myself out of this massive hole I dug for myself, and now that I have clawed myself out inch by inch with nothing but modern medicine and my own tenacity, I will never fall back in it again, no matter what I have to do.
I will be me. I will be myself, honestly and without apologies, and anyone who can't handle it should feel free to turn around and walk out the door. The promise that has for so long been held in this song has finally come to fruition.
You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
'Cause ain't no way I'ma let you stop me from causin' mayhem
When I say I'ma do something, I do it
I don't give a damn what you think
I'm doin' this for me
So fuck the world
Feed it beans
It's gassed up
If it's thinks it's stoppin' me
I'ma be what I set out to be
Without a doubt, undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me
I'm tearin' down your balcony
No ifs, ands, or buts
Don't try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album
He's still shittin', whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shits his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first
For better or worse
He's married to the game
Like a fuck you for Christmas, his gift is a curse
Forget the earth, he's got the urge to pull his dick from the dirt
And fuck the whole Universe
I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody
Come take my hand
We'll walk this road together
Through the storms
Whatever weather
Cold or warm
Just lettin' you know that
You're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road....
Ok, quit playin' with the scissors and shit and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in a rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king
You lied through your teeth
For that, fuck your feelings
Instead of gettin' crowned, you're gettin' capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise
In fact, let's be honest
That last Relapse CD was ehhh
Perhaps I ran them actions into the ground
Relax, I ain't goin' back to that now
All I'm tryin' to say is get back, click-clack, pow
'Cause I ain't playin' around
It's a game called circle, and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryin' to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out
But I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follows me around
But it's time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doin' jumpin' jacks now
I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody
Come take my hand
We'll walk this road together
Through the storms
Whatever weather
Cold or warm
Just lettin' you know that
You're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road....
And I just can't keep livin' this way
So startin' today
I'm breakin' out of this cage
I'm standing up
I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up
I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough
Now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together
RIGHT NOW!
It was my decision to get clean
I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand-new me
You helped see me through
You don't even realize what you did
Believe me you
I've been through the wringer
But they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my
I feel like the king of my world
Haters can make like bees with no stingers
And drop dead
No more beef flingers
No more drama
I promise to focus solely on handlin' my responsibilities as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle on it
'Cause the way I feel
I'm strong enough to go to the club or the corner pub
And lift the whole liquor counter up
'Cause I'm raisin' the bar
I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazin' at stars
I feel amazin'
And...
I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody
Come take my hand
We'll walk this road together
Through the storms
Whatever weather
Cold or warm
Just lettin' you know that
You're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road....
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