Suddenly, I Understand Why I'm Single (And Always Will Be)

I met Kitty today for dinner, which was a pleasant surprise. I'm always glad to see her whenever possible. :)

When I got home, I had to call my Daddy because he'd asked me yesterday to call him when I got a chance today.

During the course of the conversation, we got on the subject of why my cousin's wife left him. (HAHAHAHAHA!) From what I can gather of the story, it appears The Messiah has a jealous streak just like his daddy. Apparently, he flipped out one time too many over his wife's texting other people, and she got her shit and left.

Good for her.

I don't understand jealousy and jealous people and those who believe that being in a relationship with someone means that you OWN them or that you CONTROL them. I was with someone like that for nearly 2 years when I was young and too stupid to know any better. But, hell, when I finally left him, I knew at 21 what almost everyone in America never learns before they die.

No matter what you do, no matter how you act, no matter what kind of jealous rages you fly into, no matter how hard you try to keep wifey at home under lock and key, no matter how closely you monitor hubby's texts and calls and whatnot, if somebody wants to do something badly enough, there's no goddamn way you can stop them. If my cousin's wife wanted to fuck somebody else (and, for my part, I don't think that she did--I think he's just retardly jealous for no good reason), then all the ranting and raving and hollering and screaming and threatening in the world wouldn't stop her.

I've always had knee-jerk reactions to shit like that. My mama and daddy, while admittedly incredibly dysfunctional in other ways, were never like that with each other. When Mother goes off and disappears for an entire weekend, to go shopping or flea-market browsing or whatever, he doesn't even ask where she's been most of the time when she comes home. If he disappears for a weekend to go to a car race or whatever, she doesn't ask where he's been, either. They don't call each other constantly while the other is gone, ostensibly to "check" on the other or to "see how you are" or whatever other sneaky horseshit that jealous people say when they're spying.

On the opposite end is my crazy, schizophrenic uncle (The Messiah's father) who, thank God, is not related to me by blood, but by marriage. (The Messiah's mother and mine are sisters.) Now, my aunt can't go anywhere without that crazy bastard calling every 15 minutes. "When are you gonna be home? I'm worried."

No, you're not worried, you ignorant motherfucker. You think that she's out fucking some other man while she's actually out buying groceries to make your supper. Mind you, she's never given him a reason to think this because she's scared to death of him. He's just schizo and delusional and an alcoholic to boot.

Daddy reminded me that back when we had the swimming pool in the backyard and "the family" would come over to swim, the rest of us would wear, you know, whatever bathing suits we had, while my aunt had to wear a t-shirt and pair of shorts if she was going to swim. I'd forgotten about it, but he's right. The bastard was so crazy that he wouldn't even "let" my aunt wear a swimsuit in front of her family.

Almost simultaneously, Daddy and I both said, "If it was me he told that to, I'd strip down butt-ass naked and tell him to go to hell."

I am my father's child. But it gets worse, LOL.

Supposedly, said crazy schizo uncle beats my aunt. I can't confirm or deny because I don't live with them. But I will say that if it does happen, The Messiah is a sonofabitch for not cutting his daddy's head off. But that's just me. I mean, if it were my daddy hitting my mama, some heads would be rolling, and I'm not even a man. But I AM a crazy bitch, so maybe this isn't normal behavior. I don't know.

Anyway, I'll say it like I've always said it: a man puts his hands on me, he better pray to his God that he kills me that first time...and then he better immediately flee the country because my daddy will be after him then.

I'm kinda getting off track here. Lemme see if I can veer back.

Anyway, I've always known I take after my father much more than I take after my mother. Or, at the very least, I've acquired the bad traits of both. But it was never more clear than when Daddy said tonight, "If someone's going to accuse me of something I haven't done [in this case, fucking around], then you better believe I'm gonna go do it. If you're going to treat me like I've done something wrong, anyway, I'm going to at least make it true."

Jesus Christ, how many times has that sentiment come out of my mouth? I lived with a man who kept accusing me of cheating on him when I wasn't. I was 20 years old and trying to be monogamous, even though I desperately did not want to be, because I thought it was what you were supposed to do. But after I put up with his accusations for about 6 months, I thought to myself, fuck it. If you're going to treat me like I've already done something wrong when I know in my heart I have done right, then I'll go show you what I can do.

He never found out about the men I fucked behind his back, which I find hilarious. He accused me when I wasn't doing anything and had no idea when I was. Dumbass.

Anyway, Daddy went on to say, "I don't lie about what I do. I don't HAVE to because I don't give a damn what people think about me."

Also a sentiment I hold to. I don't lie to save my own ass. Why? Because I don't have to. Yes, I did it. Fuck you if you don't like it. I don't have to answer to anyone. End of story.

The problem is that I took after my mother in that I will put my own neck in the noose for someone else. Will I lie to save my own ass? Nope. Will I lie to save someone else's? Yep.

Unfortunately, I discovered much too late that anyone who'd let you sacrifice yourself for them like that wasn't worth the sacrifice to start with....

But, yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is why I'm single. I react with rage to jealousy because I don't understand it and think it's petty and childish and pointless, while most of the population is so jealous they can't even see straight. Then, I'm completely honest about the fact that, no, I won't just have sex with you because I can't even settle on one hair color for three months, much less one man or woman for the rest of my life--because, once again, I don't have to lie because I don't give a damn what you think of me--and it gives people heart attacks. They don't know how to handle me.

But you know what? I'm ok with that. I'm me and fuck you if you don't like it.

No Me Gusta La Depresión

Could I stop being crazy for awhile? PLEASE?

My four months of relative sanity appear to finally be shot to hell. I've done all I could do to crawl out of this hole, but my brain is not cooperating. :(

I hate this. Almost everything makes me feel nauseated to eat it. I don't know WHY, but it does. The only thing that agrees with me anymore is sweets, and if this continues, I'm going to be as big as the side of the barn in a couple of months. Blech.

My sleeping patterns are all screwed up again, too. I'm sure this isn't helping the old mental state at all, either.

I've lost my motivation. Like, some days, I can drink a lot of coffee and push through, but it's getting harder and harder. I don't feel like working or going out. My house, while always a pretty big mess, is outright fucking disgusting now, but I just don't think I can deal with it right now. I just...can't.

In my mind, "depression" as an entity is divided into two types. There's blue, and there's black. Blue is the general overall feeling of being unwell, unmotivated, and unhealthily introspective. Black is where disembodied claws wrap around you and pull you into a bottomless pit that you can never escape from without outside assistance of some kind. Blue just sucks; black is catastrophic.

Currently, I'm still in the blue phase. I hope I can catch it before it nosedives into the black phase. Wishing. Hoping. Praying. God, don't let me go back there again.

But, honestly, this sucks bad enough on its own. And I'm not just being all self-pitying and emo. The appetite and sleep changes are proof enough of that. I've been playing around with my Lamictal dosage, but it hasn't really been helping very much. Mainlining caffeine helps some, but it damn sure doesn't improve my sleep problem, which makes me think it probably will fuck things up more in the long run.

And then there are the dreams. They never leave me for long, anyway, but they torment me even worse now. Or maybe the severity and frequency aren't any worse, but I'm just less equipped to handle them at the moment. I don't know.

I think the worst thing is that I've been so proud of my four months of (relative) stability, and to have it come to a screeching halt when I was doing so well just makes me feel that much worse. I hate admitting that there's a problem. I'm afraid it'll make people hate me or not trust me or be afraid of me or whatever. I feel like no one will ever want anything to do with me unless I'm at 110% all the time. Only those who've ever had to experience the hell of an unquiet mind can possibly understand, I think. But maybe not. Maybe people are more forgiving and understanding than I think. One can hope, anyway.

I just have to keep reminding myself that even though this sucks, it's nothing like it was before stability. I'm not psychotic. I'm not ranting at the world. I'm not even angry, actually--just tired. I'm not convinced I'm being persecuted. I'm not suicidal. I just...don't feel good. And it blows. But I want to fight it and keep it from ever getting to the point where my illness completely controls me (again) instead of the other way around.

I know I pull out this song on the regular, but it's really applicable right now. This feeling really sucks, but I'm not crazy. I've been crazy before, and this isn't what this is.

I'm just a little unwell....



Oh, my loves...I'm not crazy. I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell. But stay awhile, and maybe then you'll see a different side of me. I'm not crazy. I'm just a little impaired. I know right now you don't care. But soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be. :(

FMLFML

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

Apparently, there's some truly shitty weather going on. I had no idea. I've been working all night. But I heard the sirens go off, so I went to check the weather. There have been bad tornadoes tonight.

And they apparently went right over where the three of them live.

GODDAMMIT.

Now I'm terrified and praying that they are all right and no way at all whatsoever to find out if everybody's ok.

FUCK.

Please, God, please. Let them be ok.

I won't sleep at all tonight. :(

ETA: Kitty answered my text. They're ok, and all the shit has passed over now. Thank God. I was scared to death because they're claiming it was an F3 or so that went over Tville and Ctr. Pt. All the power's out in that area, people are trapped in their houses, and there's no way to know the extent of the damage at the moment. I was about to lose my shit.

I know Kitty is the only one of them I still talk to, but that doesn't keep me from worrying. I still love them, and I would've flipped out until I knew they were fine, had I not heard from Kitty.

I wanted--needed--J. and the Cat to be ok. As for him...if he's gonna die, I'M gonna be the one to take him out, goddammit. He is NOT going to bitch out and go in a tornado.

Fuck. So glad they're ok. I think I even slipped up in my texts to Kitty and said I was worried about y'all instead of you, but I don't even care. Whatever. At least now I can breathe again that I know they're ok. Yes, literally. I'd thrown myself into an asthma attack there for a minute from blind-ass panic (and a gagging fit, too, thank you very much, Lamictal).

Going to go lay down and try to calm my racing heart.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for letting them be ok. In the future, if you need some cold bodies, please take mine and not theirs. Kthanxbi.

Better

My ability to change my mood states before they get too bad is getting better.

Intentional sleep deprivation, a reduction in Lamictal, and some coffee makes things better. I'll try not to sleep-deprive myself again, but I'm going to keep the Lamictal backed down until I'm sure I'm cool again.

I mean, it doesn't completely fix shit, but it mitigates the effects some. I'm at least able to catch it before it spirals out of control. That should count for something, yes?

Well, Fuck

So much for my little bout of melancholy just being me feeling sorry for myself. Nope, I've found my way into actual depression.

It's rather mild--for me, at least. And I guess it's more of an agitated depression than that black, black hole I get into from time to time. I just don't feel motivated and the thought of doing much of anything leaves me feeling really fucking overwhelmed. But my arms and legs don't feel like they weigh a thousand pounds, at least.

I slept from like 2 am yesterday until 6 pm today. Now, I know I normally sleep more than most people, but, Jesus, 16 hours is a lot, even for me. And while today has been more productive than the last few days, I still haven't done a whole hell of a lot. I'm kind of anxious, feeling like I should be doing something with myself, but either not knowing what to do or feeling overwhelmed by what all I should be doing or both.

It fucking blows.

I'm scaling back the Lamictal a bit, and if the bottom keeps falling out from under me, I'll up the Wellbutrin. Fuck it, no sense in feeling like this if I don't have to. I hope I'll get caught up tomorrow. I'm about half there now.

Also, could I PLEASE stop dreaming about people who don't give a fuck about me? No goddamn wonder I keep waking up depressed. I dream about them nearly every fucking time I go to sleep. It really sucks, and it's kinda not funny anymore.

I think I'm going to bed. I feel exhausted, despite all the sleep earlier, so maybe I can get my sleep schedule back to normal. That should make me feel a little better. Right?

FML.

Fuck This Day

*Sigh* I've been feeling sort of down for the past week or so. It sucks. I'm trying to motivate myself, but it's not really working.

I know why, though.

It's because tomorrow (well, today now, really, but since I haven't gone to bed yet, in my mind it's still Thursday) is 1-20.

I'm not going to talk about it and depress myself more, but it's just another reminder of all that I have lost. Guess you can't get back what's gone, even if you do love it as much as you always have.

No, I'm Not Dead...Yet

I know I haven't updated in forever. It's not because shit hasn't been happening. I think it's actually the opposite problem. SO MUCH has been going on that I don't know where to start.

I have been methodically eliminating bullshit from life.

Since Christmas, I have closed my bank account (because of bullshit) and opened a new one at a credit union, stood down a rude old man who backed into me in a parking lot and let him know that just because I wasn't rude in return didn't mean he was going to intimidate me, fired some clients, acquired some new ones, been ruthless about not letting petty bullshit stop me from my ultimate goal, learned that my cousin's pregnant wife is leaving him (good for her, I say), refused to involve myself in a bunch of random brouhaha I could've allowed myself to get caught up in, had my first real drink since June for no reason other than I wanted one and had the money to buy it, and much more.

Other people have been making lofty New Year's resolutions. Mine's not so lofty, but I think it's something I need. It's twofold.

1.) Eliminate all the drama from my life. I've been doing this quietly for some time now, but I've been getting a lot more serious about it. If you've got nothing to offer me but some bullshit, then stay the fuck away. Doing this makes it much easier for me to accomplish #2.

2.) Make this be the year for my business. This year, ChaosKitty and I will be putting ourselves on the map, and next year, we'll be lounging on the beach sipping daiquiris. Last year, I increased my income by 50%. Sure, I still didn't make a lot of money, but the majority of that was made in the last quarter of 2011. I'm going to make sure the upward trend continues, and NOBODY is going to stop me from going big and fulfilling my life's goal of being the female Jimmy Buffett.

I've learned that things don't get better because you sit back and wait patiently for them to do so. Most of the time, they get worse. (Read: my crazy.) If you want it, you have to go get it and make it happen.

I have re-discovered the ambitious, Type A, tenacious hardcore go-getter inside me who had, up until recently, been buried from years and years of acquiescing to other people and giving up my own happiness for theirs. I'm a leader, not a follower. I should've remembered that a long time ago. It would've saved me a world of heartache.

ChaosKitty is making a lot of changes, too. She's cutting out drama in her life by moving in with me soon. Her roommates drive her absolutely batshit, so she's coming here. We both work so much better when we're together, and it will save us both money, too. We've both found parts of ourselves we didn't know were missing for so long, and it's time to use those parts of us to our advantage.

I'm done with the pettiness. I'm done with accepting blame for things that aren't my fault. I'm done with drama and with keeping other people's secrets and generally being a whipping girl for the whole world.

This is my life. I will live it. I will make it worthwhile. I will do my best to fix the mistakes I've made, but I will never, never, NEVER bend until I break again. I have tried too hard for too long to dig myself out of this massive hole I dug for myself, and now that I have clawed myself out inch by inch with nothing but modern medicine and my own tenacity, I will never fall back in it again, no matter what I have to do.

I will be me. I will be myself, honestly and without apologies, and anyone who can't handle it should feel free to turn around and walk out the door. The promise that has for so long been held in this song has finally come to fruition.



You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
'Cause ain't no way I'ma let you stop me from causin' mayhem
When I say I'ma do something, I do it

I don't give a damn what you think
I'm doin' this for me
So fuck the world
Feed it beans
It's gassed up
If it's thinks it's stoppin' me

I'ma be what I set out to be
Without a doubt, undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me
I'm tearin' down your balcony
No ifs, ands, or buts
Don't try to ask him why or how can he

From Infinite down to the last Relapse album
He's still shittin', whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shits his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first
For better or worse
He's married to the game
Like a fuck you for Christmas, his gift is a curse
Forget the earth, he's got the urge to pull his dick from the dirt
And fuck the whole Universe

I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody
Come take my hand
We'll walk this road together
Through the storms
Whatever weather
Cold or warm
Just lettin' you know that
You're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road....

Ok, quit playin' with the scissors and shit and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in a rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king
You lied through your teeth
For that, fuck your feelings
Instead of gettin' crowned, you're gettin' capped

And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise
In fact, let's be honest
That last Relapse CD was ehhh
Perhaps I ran them actions into the ground
Relax, I ain't goin' back to that now
All I'm tryin' to say is get back, click-clack, pow
'Cause I ain't playin' around
It's a game called circle, and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down

But I think I'm still tryin' to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out
But I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follows me around
But it's time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doin' jumpin' jacks now

I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody
Come take my hand
We'll walk this road together
Through the storms
Whatever weather
Cold or warm
Just lettin' you know that
You're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road....

And I just can't keep livin' this way
So startin' today
I'm breakin' out of this cage

I'm standing up
I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up
I'ma hold my ground

I've had enough
Now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together
RIGHT NOW!

It was my decision to get clean
I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand-new me
You helped see me through

You don't even realize what you did
Believe me you
I've been through the wringer
But they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my
I feel like the king of my world

Haters can make like bees with no stingers
And drop dead
No more beef flingers
No more drama
I promise to focus solely on handlin' my responsibilities as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle on it

'Cause the way I feel
I'm strong enough to go to the club or the corner pub
And lift the whole liquor counter up
'Cause I'm raisin' the bar
I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazin' at stars
I feel amazin'

And...

I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody
Come take my hand
We'll walk this road together
Through the storms
Whatever weather
Cold or warm
Just lettin' you know that
You're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road....