So my friend B. came down from Huntsville to visit. He's been here since Monday. I appreciate the company, I guess, but it costs a LOT of goddamn money to feed him. I mean, when they sold my grandma's house, I got a little money from it, but I was kinda supposed to pay my taxes with it. I haven't been able to pay them yet because I have been having to use it for other things, and if I'm not careful, it's all going drift slowly away, and I'll have nothing--and my taxes still won't be paid.
I feel myself slipping down again. I was doing better, but I'm getting overwhelmed once again. Google levied a heavy penalty on all my sites back in April, and now I'm not making any money off of them. Like, it costs more money in hosting fees to keep them up and running than they bring in every month. I work my ass off constantly, and I'm still having to spend more money than I make. I'm just to the point where I feel it's not worth it anymore.
My daddy took out a loan for me last April to pay off my credit cards. The payment on the loan is $385 a month. And you know what? Both goddamn motherfucking cards are maxed the fuck out again because I was trying to do a good thing. So now I'm stuck with a $385 payment on the loan every month AND another $150 on the credit cards. I'm in worse shape now than I was before I got the fucking loan.
No good deed goes unpunished, I suppose.
I do excellent work for very little money. I guess I should raise my rates, but Jesus Christ, I hardly get any customers now as it is. I'm having to go back to the phones, but they aren't even ringing now because--surprise--my sites don't rank for shit in Google anymore.
I feel like no matter what I do, it's one step forward and two steps back. I've already been told by my mother that she "can't" help me anymore. Mind you, I can count on one hand the number of times I've ever ASKED her for help. Basically, I was told that if I couldn't make it on my own, I had to move back to my mama's house.
A few things with that: 1.) I damn sure can't make money living there. 2.) Not one single thing has gone the way I wanted it to in my life, except for the fact that I got the fuck out when I was 18 and never went back. 3.) I swear before God, I will blow my fucking brains out before I'll go back.
I have basically been supporting someone else my entire adult life. I attract users, hangers-on, and everybody in the world who wants a free ride. I never wanted to be like my grandmother, who had plenty of money but would sooner let you starve to death than give up a penny of it. If I can help someone, I want to help them. But the thing is, people don't want help until they can get on their feet. They want somebody to do it for them. FOREVER.
I'm tired of footing the bills for everyone. I'm tired of being in debt because I've spent the last 10 years trying to help other people. Here's the thing--if I were just paying my own bills, not debt I've incurred doing for other people, I would be fine. Not rich, by any stretch of the imagination, but not always robbing Peter to pay Paul, either.
I wish now that I had just gone on and told my mama that I wanted to move into my grandma's house before they sold it. I wouldn't have had to pay rent, so that would've been $400 a month I could have saved. But I was supposed to have a roommate, who didn't want to move there, so I ended up not doing it. And by the time I realized that the whole roommate thing wasn't going to happen, they'd already gotten earnest money put down on the house. So I wasn't going to be some asshole who went swooping in there and said, "Nope, stop the sale. I'm moving in."
No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it never works out. At this point, I couldn't get a real job. It's partly because I'm too crazy and partly because I haven't been officially employed since 2006. Who the fuck is going to hire me now?
Nobody. That's who.
My bills alone work out to be about $1400 a month. That's not counting food, gas, or anything else. (Before I got this money from the sale of the house, I went two months without buying light bulbs, even though every light fixture in my house only had one bulb in it because I could not spare the $2 for a box of light bulbs.) I make about $900 a month, now that the sites aren't pulling in extra money anymore. That's a BIG fucking gap. And bless your heart, you can forget anybody coming to my rescue.
But you know what? I don't need (or want) rescuing. I just want to not have to work myself to death for shit wages while steadily digging myself deeper into the hole because I'm constantly getting fucked from every direction.
The thought of taking another phone job makes me ill. I do good to manage to log in 10 hours a week because it makes me so sick to have to do it. But I honestly don't know what else I can do at this point. My mental health is going to suffer. I'll probably end up not being able to work at all because it'll drive me off the deep end again. But I honestly DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO anymore. It's not like I can send itemized bills to every motherfucker who screwed me over and expect to get anything back from it.
I just...I don't know what to do, and I'm back to having migraines and problems sleeping from worrying about it so much. I've basically made my sick over what essentially amounts to OTHER PEOPLE'S BILLS. I'm burnt the hell out and my body is starting to crap out on me again like it did last fall. I've been trying to take mental health days on Mondays, but I feel guilty for even taking a day off because I know I need to be making money.
Fuck.
This? Right here? Is why people kill themselves.
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