Things Aren't The Way They Were Before....

You know, sometimes, even when you wish you were dead, people can come out and surprise you in the nicest of ways.

I've been doing this sort of on-again, off-again thing with a subbie/switch/whatever boy, T., since...2006? Christ, I'm old. We went back and forth for a couple of years, but things kinda just faded out in late 2008. We only just started talking again a few months ago.

Yesterday, I was desperate. I needed someone, someone nearby, to keep me from falling headfirst into the first bottle of liquor I found, someone to keep me from finding a parade of men of to fuck to drive all the pain away for a little while. And against what would've been my better judgment, had I had any at that time, I sent T. a text. I wasn't even going to tell him what was wrong. I just needed someone to talk to me, to keep me occupied.

But he could tell I was desperate. He has demons of his own, and as most of us with demons will attest, it becomes easy to recognize it in others. He wouldn't let me get away with not telling him. I was so ashamed of being upset over something like this, something that, in all honesty, really had no impact on me whatsoever. He basically forced it out of me, though, and the whole story came spilling out like somebody'd opened the floodgates to the world's biggest dam.

Mind you, this shit is not something I talk about to anyone but maybe 2 people in the whole world. So he had no idea what was coming. Once it started, I couldn't have stopped it if I wanted to. And you know what? He didn't laugh at me. He didn't roll his eyes at me. He didn't say I was a drama queen. He didn't rapidly change the subject. No, for the first time in I couldn't tell you how long, I had someone actually acknowledge my pain for what it was.

"No wonder your mind was shattered," he said. "Whose wouldn't be after all that?"

That's more validation for my feelings than I've gotten from anyone in a long, long time.

"That was cold," he said. "Really, really cold. Who does that to someone they claim to care about when that person needs them?"

I tried to explain, tried to let him know it was my fault, too, but he cut me off.

"I don't care what you did," he said. "You didn't deserve to lose everything you loved like that."

And just like that, this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. He went on to tell me that he knew I'd been so used to blaming myself and so used to feeling worthless all the time, but that it wasn't true. He told me that he understood why I was so upset over what I'd just heard, even though I felt like I had no right to be. Then, he said a bunch of other nice things and--get this--didn't come over to fuck me, even though I was clearly angling for it. He wanted to, I know. But he didn't.

I'll be goddamned. Chivalry does still exist in this world.

He had to go shortly thereafter to do something for his parents, but he came back later, just to check in. I have no idea how I'll ever repay him, but I'm going to do it somehow.

In the midst of my conversation with T., I also got a private message from someone on my message board. I'd posted something on there about "Worst day of my life, and, no, I don't want to talk about it" or something similar. And then, I got a PM from a sweet man (a regular poster, not some weird creeper) in Germany entitled "Why you are stronger than I am." In it, he made me promise to let him hear from me at least once every 10 years to make sure I hadn't given up yet. He also said a lot of other kind things that I won't go into, but I swear to God, between him (M.) and T., they talked my ass down from the ledge last night.

I sent M. a reply to his private message, thanking him and basically telling him that he and another friend were the only reasons I wasn't sitting drunk off my ass in a bar, looking for a group of strangers to run a train on me. Because he's in Germany, God knows what time it was there when I sent my message. But today, when I got up and checked, he'd replied, said some more nice things, and sent me a link to his blog, where he had posted this.

Now, if only I could read German, so I could read some of his other entries....

No matter, though. Between the two of them, they kept me...well, if not sane, as sane as I could be expected to remain last night. If there is a sentient and merciful God in this Universe, I hope he rewards those two for what they did for me last night. Regardless of how small it seems in the grand scheme of things, it meant fucking everything to me last night.

After I took my Lamictal, my brain calmed down a little and allowed me to see things a little more clearly. (Take that, everyone who says it's not an anti-manic. Ok, well, maybe it wasn't mania, but there were clearly racing, catastrophic thoughts, so whatever.) I had an epiphany late last night, which I intend to post later, but not right now because I've gone on too long already and need to get a little work done.



Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end....