This is significant.
People who know me will note that I haven't really posted pictures of myself in quite some time. Two reasons:
1.) I haven't felt pretty in a really long time. I've felt tired, fat, and old.
2.) I haven't liked the person I've seen staring back at me in a long, long time. Taking pictures and plastering them all over the Internet where I can see them all the time was not what I wanted to do. I've been using cartoon avatars pretty much everywhere--Facebook, my favorite message board, etc.--for about two years now.
But weekend before last, I got my hair trimmed up into a cute little stacked bob that hits pretty much right below shoulder length in the front and slightly shorter in the back. I also got my eyebrows waxed. The last time Kitty was here, she dyed my hair back to medium ash brown, and it hasn't been so long that the color's looking washed out yet. So since Kitty and I were cleaning way too much this past weekend to take any pics, I decided I'd do it myself before my eyebrows got too unruly again.
Even with shitty lighting, a not-so-great camera, and having to take the pics myself, they turned out fairly well. Some of them, anyway. I'd have preferred to have Kitty do it, but it's ok.
When I looked at them, I realized that not only do I not look nearly as old, tired, and fat as I feel (which may have a lot more to do with my skill with a makeup brush and at angling the camera to obscure my fatness than anything), but I also look better than I ever did before--at least in pictures.
Why? Because I think for the first time in my life, I like me. Not just the way I look. I've always been a huge narcissist in that respect. I mean, I like who I am, inside. I'm (mostly) at peace.
Ok, I'm still a dysfunctional bitch with a five-year-old inside, but it's a lot more harmless and a lot less destructive.
Of course, because old habits and old narcissists die hard, I had to post my favorites on my message board. (I also posted the best ones on Facebook, but I'm not going to here because I still want to retain some semblance of anonymity.) These are people who've been there with me since 2005, so they are fully aware of the ups and downs I've been through, if not the particulars of the situation. All of them are telling me how beautiful they think I am and how I look even better than they've ever seen me look, even when I was younger and smaller and had been through less.
They say there's a new light in my eyes, and I think they're right. It all goes back to that finally liking me thing, I think.
There's also a mental illness thread in that same forum that was started a few days ago. I've been very open about the shit I've been through--again, not about specific details of how I ruined my life, but about things like symptoms, treatments, and finding oneself. All my lovely friends keep telling me I'm an inspiration, that I'm brave, that they admire all the introspection and change I've been doing.
I'm not saying this to toot my own horn or anything. It's just nice knowing that the work I've done seems to have had enough of an effect that other people have noticed. One of the people said this:
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
You are beautiful Bunny.
I'm not gonna lie. I totally cried.
I still have a long way to go. I have amends to make, new mountains to climb, and old demons to hold down. But I think the worst is over, finally.
I don't take credit it for it all myself. Yes, I did some of it. But, mostly, I thank medical science and God. (Yes, I said it. No, I'm still not some crazy Baptist fundie. Perhaps I'll devote a whole post to my own personal revelations of that sort one day, but not now. Google "Gnosticism" if you're that fucking curious.)
I also credit the people in my life who didn't abandon me. That support simply can't be overstated.
I can look at me and smile now because, well, this is why:
I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down
The hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
But I'm learnin' who you've been
Ain't who you've gotta be
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Oh, honey, I won't lie...
I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances
With the devil
I'm cleanin' up my act, little by little
I'm gettin' there
I can finally stand the
I ain't as good as I'm gonna get
But I'm better than I used to be
I've pinned a lot of demons to the ground
Got a few old habits left
But there's still one or two
I might need you to help me get
Standin' in the rain so long
Has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you'll see
There's a diamond under all this dust
I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances
With the devil
I'm cleanin' up my act, little by little
I'm gettin' there
I can finally stand the
I ain't as good as I'm gonna get
But I'm better than I used to be
I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances
With the devil
But I'm cleanin' up my act, little by little
I'm gettin' there
I can finally stand the
I ain't as good as I'm gonna get
But I'm better than I used to be
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