I Ain't As Good As I'm Gonna Get...But I'm Better Than I Used To Be

I took new pictures of myself late last night. Yes, I should've been working, but fuck it. I work all the time.

This is significant.

People who know me will note that I haven't really posted pictures of myself in quite some time. Two reasons:

1.) I haven't felt pretty in a really long time. I've felt tired, fat, and old.

2.) I haven't liked the person I've seen staring back at me in a long, long time. Taking pictures and plastering them all over the Internet where I can see them all the time was not what I wanted to do. I've been using cartoon avatars pretty much everywhere--Facebook, my favorite message board, etc.--for about two years now.

But weekend before last, I got my hair trimmed up into a cute little stacked bob that hits pretty much right below shoulder length in the front and slightly shorter in the back. I also got my eyebrows waxed. The last time Kitty was here, she dyed my hair back to medium ash brown, and it hasn't been so long that the color's looking washed out yet. So since Kitty and I were cleaning way too much this past weekend to take any pics, I decided I'd do it myself before my eyebrows got too unruly again.

Even with shitty lighting, a not-so-great camera, and having to take the pics myself, they turned out fairly well. Some of them, anyway. I'd have preferred to have Kitty do it, but it's ok.

When I looked at them, I realized that not only do I not look nearly as old, tired, and fat as I feel (which may have a lot more to do with my skill with a makeup brush and at angling the camera to obscure my fatness than anything), but I also look better than I ever did before--at least in pictures.

Why? Because I think for the first time in my life, I like me. Not just the way I look. I've always been a huge narcissist in that respect. I mean, I like who I am, inside. I'm (mostly) at peace.

Ok, I'm still a dysfunctional bitch with a five-year-old inside, but it's a lot more harmless and a lot less destructive.

Of course, because old habits and old narcissists die hard, I had to post my favorites on my message board. (I also posted the best ones on Facebook, but I'm not going to here because I still want to retain some semblance of anonymity.) These are people who've been there with me since 2005, so they are fully aware of the ups and downs I've been through, if not the particulars of the situation. All of them are telling me how beautiful they think I am and how I look even better than they've ever seen me look, even when I was younger and smaller and had been through less.

They say there's a new light in my eyes, and I think they're right. It all goes back to that finally liking me thing, I think.

There's also a mental illness thread in that same forum that was started a few days ago. I've been very open about the shit I've been through--again, not about specific details of how I ruined my life, but about things like symptoms, treatments, and finding oneself. All my lovely friends keep telling me I'm an inspiration, that I'm brave, that they admire all the introspection and change I've been doing.

I'm not saying this to toot my own horn or anything. It's just nice knowing that the work I've done seems to have had enough of an effect that other people have noticed. One of the people said this:

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

You are beautiful Bunny.

I'm not gonna lie. I totally cried.

I still have a long way to go. I have amends to make, new mountains to climb, and old demons to hold down. But I think the worst is over, finally.

I don't take credit it for it all myself. Yes, I did some of it. But, mostly, I thank medical science and God. (Yes, I said it. No, I'm still not some crazy Baptist fundie. Perhaps I'll devote a whole post to my own personal revelations of that sort one day, but not now. Google "Gnosticism" if you're that fucking curious.)

I also credit the people in my life who didn't abandon me. That support simply can't be overstated.

I can look at me and smile now because, well, this is why:



I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down
The hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
But I'm learnin' who you've been
Ain't who you've gotta be
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Oh, honey, I won't lie...

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances
With the devil
I'm cleanin' up my act, little by little
I'm gettin' there
I can finally stand the man Bunny in the mirror I see
I ain't as good as I'm gonna get
But I'm better than I used to be

I've pinned a lot of demons to the ground
Got a few old habits left
But there's still one or two
I might need you to help me get
Standin' in the rain so long
Has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you'll see
There's a diamond under all this dust

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances
With the devil
I'm cleanin' up my act, little by little
I'm gettin' there
I can finally stand the man Bunny in the mirror I see
I ain't as good as I'm gonna get
But I'm better than I used to be

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances
With the devil
But I'm cleanin' up my act, little by little
I'm gettin' there
I can finally stand the man Bunny in the mirror I see
I ain't as good as I'm gonna get
But I'm better than I used to be

A Page From Mr. Franklin's Playbook

Ben Franklin (personal hero) famously worked on things he called "The Thirteen Virtues" for years and years and years. He devoted the largest chunk of his autobiography to them, actually. His Thirteen Virtues are, as follows:

"Temperance. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."

"Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."

"Order. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."

"Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."

"Frugality. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."

"Industry. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."

"Sincerity. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."

"Justice. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."

"Moderation. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."

"Cleanliness. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation."

"Tranquility. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."

"Chastity. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."

"Humility. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."

[Lifted shamelessly from Wiki because there's no way in hell I actually remembered all of that]

When I was in college, a poor undergrad with an English minor, we had to read excerpts from Franklin's autobiography. I remember that he would choose one of these virtues a week to work on--only one. The rest, he'd let just sorta let the chips fall where they may. I remember thinking it was a great idea because if you did it long enough, some of things you did during, say, "Humility Week" would eventually start bleeding over into "Cleanliness Week" without you consciously focusing on it because you became so used to behaving in certain ways. I thought it was an excellent way to work on things you disliked about yourself without becoming completely overwhelmed.

Since I've been thinking of the various ways that I want to better myself lately, I think I'm going to start doing this. My "virtues," of course, will be different from Ben Franklin's, and I doubt that the ideas I come up with will be so cohesive, but I figure that if you wanna change yourself for the better, you might as well jump in with both feet. As Teddy Roosevelt (another personal hero) said:

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."

Now to just decide what I want to start with....

The Difference

So I think I finally figured out a succinct way to explain the difference between me and most people.

On the way to Memphis with my mother and aunt, the topic of trains came up. (Don't ask me how. I have no idea.) This is how the conversation went.

Me: Most freight trains run on diesel. Most commuter trains are electric.

My Mother: How do you know all this?

Me: Because I read.

My Mother: Well, where would you read something like that at?

Me: The Internet. I get bored and then think of some question I don't know the answer to, and I look it up.

[And now, the telling comments]

My Mother: Well, who would ever think to look up something like that?

Me: (genuinely confused) Who wouldn't?

My Mother: (looks at me with a disgusted look and changes the subject)

Drowning: I Am Doing It

*Sigh*

I just spent 4 hours on the phone with Huntsville B. We'd been texting, and then he thought of something he wanted to tell me. He said it was too much to text, but that I could call him if I wanted. So I did.

Four. Fucking. Hours. And I hate talking on the goddamn phone!

For the record, that was not him keeping me on the phone and me trying to think of a good excuse to hang up. No, that was every single floodgate I had being opened all at once because I apparently needed to talk and didn't realize it, and he was the poor, unlucky soul who happened to be around at the right time.

I'm burnt out on work--on writing. (Hence the reason I haven't written a damned thing in my "writing" blog since the day I put it up and the reason that I burdened B. with all my bullshit for four goddamn hours. It's all been building up inside, but I've been too sick of writing to put it down on paper.) Now I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I managed to drag myself into the bathroom to bathe and take my meds, but that's as far as I've gotten. I have work I need to do, but I can't think of a damned thing to write about. I haven't eaten in 9 hours, and I'm hungry, but I'm too tired to even fix anything to eat.

This has to get better. It really, really does.

Ain't That Funny?

Dear Z,

I bought powdered doughnuts today.

Then, I had a nervous breakdown.

The two things aren't related. They just happened to occur on the same day.

The stupid doughnuts made me think of you. The breakdown made me think of the other B. Not that it was his fault...just that he was the person I turned to when my mother and circumstances made me cry.

Funny, isn't it? For all your comments about what a terrible person he is and all your low-blow fat jokes at his expense, it's him I think of when I need help and you I think of when I eat doughnuts.

I still love you, but I hate you more. I feel neither of those things for him. That's probably just as well for him.

~B. Rabbit